Venting Wanting to belong

[somethingsmthgirl]

I realized what I'm looking for by posting here. I'm looking for permission.

My whole life I've been taught that death is bad and that suicide is a great shame. It's in my nature as a human to crave affirmation and acceptance, and so naturally I seek to conform to those standards impressed upon me. But I can't outlive who I am.

Even when I'm happy I still wish I was dead. I can see now that I've felt this way my whole life, that existence is such a bore, so fundamentally uncomfortable. I want to be done with it all, to my core.

But the impulse to conform, to belong, to be accepted... It's so powerful. It's kept me all this time from accepting myself, as a person who does not want to live.

As the facade of that conformity slowly fades, the impulse does not. I still yearn for acceptance, approval. And so I look for it here. Even as I plan the steps leading to oblivion, my mind needs to feel validated. It won't matter once I'm gone, of course, no matter how it happens. But I am still alive, and subject to all the biases and prejudices life has towards itself.

I wish we lived in a world where suicide was okay. I wish I could be surrounded by my loved ones in or before death, and that their grief need not be coupled to such needless shame and anger. I wish I could have dignity for who I am.

Maybe those are just the deluded thoughts of a person so deep into her own depression that she can't see a way out. But, even then, do I not deserve to be seen for where I'm at?

I know it's against the rules of this forum to ask for encouragement towards death... But maybe what I need is just encouragement itself. To hear from another living person that I'm okay. That I'm enough.

Maybe things will fall into place from there. Where that place is I cannot know.

I'm considering going off one of my meds to better encourage myself to get to that point.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

While we cannot directly instruct you to ctb, I'd like to encourage you to find what you're searching for. You're already a precious member of this community. Sending a hug

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i would never want to conform to some belief just because most humans believe something is true.

i only seek objective truth. i want to find out what is absolutely true .and then i want to reason from these first principles up to create and program beliefs into my brain.

for example it seems to me most humans believe all suicidal people are mentally ill , "life is good" , "Death is bad" ,"suicide can never be rational" and many other things i'll never believe. i believe the oppossite of these and no one can change my mind.

why do i have to live another second? i've asked this here. no one has answered. even if someone answers no one can convince me i do have to . this is the only place i can ask this question without getting banned or put in a mental hospital.

some of my first principles are

1. to me unbearable pain or extreme suffering is intolerable to me so i must avoid unbearable pain or extreme suffering at all costs. to me nothing is worth even one second of the worst pain

2. I and every human will die anyway.

many more .