Venting want to die so ex feels guilty

[dogbreath]

i miss my ex so much so much...crazy thing is,,,we weren't even dating!!! it was basically a situationship....idk if anyone knows what this term means (queer platonic relationship) but we called our relationship that cause he was aromantic,,, i feel like an asshole cause i just wanted to date him..

anyway i've been feeling like i NEED to kill myself in order to finally be loved by him. I feel like the only way to get his attention is to die. I'm so mad that he hasn't messaged me lately its almost a year now since i've cut contact...
i consider myself ugly and idek how i got with someone so lovely as him with my looks....
a part of me does want to live and does want to get better (been off my meds for around 2 months now) but it also feels like i have to die like its written in stone. ofc theres other things making me suicidal, but I just miss feeling loved!!!!!!!! idk if this is just me being 21 but whatevr

I even found a source for SN and I have the money to buy it but im so hesitant,,,internally I feel like theres two of me,,,one who wants to recover and one who wants to make things worse and worse and worse until I die,,,i just hate how not having love and affection is making me suicidal
a part of me also wishes he uses this site and maybe he'll see this and we'll fall in love again if he does have an account then, HIIIIIIIIIIII i still love you lots!!!!!!!! (joking about this part)

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Ending your life over someone isn't worth it, trust me I've felt that hurt before, but it passes.

There is no guarantee he will feel guilty. He will likely feel sad, but guilty, for what exactly? What did he do wrong? You said yourself it was a situationship - I'm not familiar with the terms, but I've heard of it.

You're 21 years old. As you get older you will realise certain things that bothered you at that age, you won't care about as you become wiser. But you don't know that right now. I'm here to tell you it does get easier, with experience

You've got the rest of your days to find love :-) and to work on your self esteem. Low self esteem is not good in a relationship either

Get yourself out there. Work on yourself, and you will feel better for it!

I had very low self esteem at 21, and I know exactly what it's like.

 

[dogbreath]

You're 21 years old. As you get older you will realise certain things that bothered you at that age, you won't care about as you become wiser. But you don't know that right now. I'm here to tell you it does get easier, with experience

You've got the rest of your days to find love :-) and to work on your self esteem. Low self esteem is not good in a relationship either

Aaaaah thank you so much makes me feel hopeful that you said it does get easier,, ack sometimes I forget 21 is still pretty young

 

[rozeske]

It will be your choice as you are adult enough to make a decision about your life but he wouldn't nor shouldn't feel guilty for not giving you a relationship. Sad? Sure, most people feel sad when someone kills themselves especially the ones we had some sort of interaction through our lifes. There are also others who would be angry, judgemental and even amused to some degree about how we "took the easy way out, for how selfish we were for only thinking of ourselves, for how spoiled we were for not seeing all we had and being ungrateful"....and many more ridiculous lables they like to give us. There are some who would feel guilty for not being there to help you see better or for not seeing the signs...etc but they won't feel guilty for you not being their choice of a relationship partner.

I don't like to use the term "it gets better", but you are young and if you have the patience and will to wait around and see, you may find someone you want who wants you back the same way. You may find the love you crave most. I relate to the feeling of being unloved and having craved it my whole life I do feel your pain and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I do wish you love and peace going forward

 

[UKscotty]

People move on quickly, I don't think it will have the effect you want.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Aaaaah thank you so much makes me feel hopeful that you said it does get easier,, ack sometimes I forget 21 is still pretty young

Hey, it's alright. I remember when I was in my late teens/early 20s and I thought I knew everything, that things would never change etc. Turns out, those around me (older than me) were right! Your 20s are tough, because you're finding yourself.

Have fun with your 20s. I know life can be pretty shit, but you'll regret not doing stupid shit when you're older. I'm glad I did it when I was younger, and not now (although there isn't really an age limit), but it is easier in your 20s. Your 20s have just begun, it will FLY BY, so enjoy it while you can!!

When you're older, you'll look back at this, and think "wow, that was tough, I didn't think I'd get through that", and by that time, you would've been through more, and be wiser than you are now, and realise this is a small thing, but understandably it feels like the end of the world right now.

You can get through this :-)

I wish you all the best x