Waking up at 36 with nothing

[OnMyLast Legs]

Mea culpa! I admit that I was deluded, lazy, cowardly. I admit that I used drugs and porn to trick myself into thinking I was happy. I admit that the smaller I became, the more I indulged in delusions of grandeur.

Three or four times I turned to religion--psychosis as an attempt at freedom. My real life was unbearable, so I tried to pretend that the invisible supernatural world was where the real action was.

I've been living at home for six years. I have no money, nothing invested, no degree, no skills. How on earth do I pick myself up?

Admitting the truth is a long way from having a better life. Maybe this doesn't belong on the recovery board lol

 

[Sasha Swift]

Damn, I would like to give you some advice, but I don't really know. I'm trying to get some stuff done which I've been procrastinating on for a long time, and I'm only making small steps forward. Maybe the key is to keep at it and try over and over, but I have to be honest, I don't really know. Good luck to you, with everything.

 

[Hvergelmir]

How on earth do I pick myself up?

Same as if you were younger.
Get on an education, or apply for jobs. You're starting late, that's all.

If you're aiming low, you can turn things around in a year or two. If you aim high, it'll be more like ten years, but you still have that time if you're passionate about pursuing an advanced field.

Realistically, you will not catch up to people who started 15 years ago. But you don't have to.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Same as if you were younger.
Get on an education, or apply for jobs. You're starting late, that's all.

What else is there to say? This is it.

Just straight up begging for encouragement with this post, gang.

After decades of giving up, squandering my talents, sinking into cowardice, what hope is there?

My parents would pay for me to finish college. It's just consciousness, memory. I don't want to live with it. I'm so lazy and I wanted so much more.

 

[itsgone2]

My parents would pay for me to finish college

What did you start?
Of your parents are financially stable and supportive, it gives you an advantage. It may take years to dig out but you are still potentially in a good place to make things happen.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

What did you start?

I almost finished. Liberal arts bullshit. English and--may Allah forgive me for saying this--political science. If I went back I would probably do a couple years of philosophy.
Wasting my body is the thing I can't get over. I was a D1 wrestler and I quit. 16 years ago I quit. I feel like that's where my life stopped. I don't know what happened all this time. It's just a nightmare. I've doomscrolled my life away just trying to cope with the pain of the next hour. Self respect and motivation have waned and waned.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Studies are a good starting point, but not if they're "bullshit".
Look around for alternatives, also vocational educations. There's no reason to stick to the education path everyone else does - in fact there's often less competition doing something else.
It's not that uncommon to start a career midlife.

A personal recommendation is also to join a martial arts club or other activity. You have a solid base with the wrestling. Proving that, while developing new skills, could help with the self respect and give some meaning.

 

[bpdwriter]

Fam, I feel you.

The only advice I'm so confident to say in this case: start what ever journey you will go on with therapy.

Mainly because you blame a lot on your "laziness", and trust me I did too. I felt (and still do sometimes) like a failed human. I live at home and watch my father still slave away at his 9-5 while it feels like all I do is take up space. I have never wanted to work 40/hrs a week and even worry that I won't be able to hold such a job.

Some of what you describe sounds like what depression & repressed trauma did to me. It's basically extreme avoidant behavior.

Yet, I'm still here because the people around me have invested in me. Therapy helped me see that. It wasn't a magical fix and it's hard to find people I gel with -- however, therapy stopped me from CBT long enough to keep me going with job applications, etc.

Now, I'm on the path to being a professor (finished my Master's in June) which seems like a career I can do. Minimal teaching, more time at home, grading, etc. I have a few online discord communities for accountability to help me be productive.

There's lots of support out there to help you keep going and professional help can help you section out what you want/need vs what the depression, etc might tell you.

Also, your life is not over!! There are plenty of people between 35-45 starting over due to midlife crisis -- you won't be alone going back to school or trying something new.

<3 here if you need to talk

 

[StoicPizza]

Mea culpa! I admit that I was deluded, lazy, cowardly. I admit that I used drugs and porn to trick myself into thinking I was happy. I admit that the smaller I became, the more I indulged in delusions of grandeur.

Three or four times I turned to religion--psychosis as an attempt at freedom. My real life was unbearable, so I tried to pretend that the invisible supernatural world was where the real action was.

I've been living at home for six years. I have no money, nothing invested, no degree, no skills. How on earth do I pick myself up?

Admitting the truth is a long way from having a better life. Maybe this doesn't belong on the recovery board lol

24M. No savings, no assets, fail at life, fail at partial, fail at ligature strangulation. Digging a worse hole for myself every time I try those

 

[whywere]

I may either be always trying to see the glass half full, or I am just a stupid fool I never could judge myself. BUT I am the type of never say never and you are 36, still so much time not only to do great things for you but others.

I 100% believe in YOU, I REALLY do, as I started out with a bag of clothes and no money or anything and no joke, it was rough, but all these decades later, no matter the darn massive depression, BPD, everything, I still have a good feeling of that I made it and so will you.

No, I am NOT a hip hooray type who believes that it is easy or anything of the like, BUT you are a intelligent, thoughtful and caring person and take some time, close your eyes and think. Think of the possibilities of what you would like to try and give yourself breathing room and please try and not be so hard on yourself.

You ARE fantastic, I believe in you, and I would love to see you blossom.

Wishing you a great rest of this week and a lovely upcoming weekend, my good friend.

Walter

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@bpdwriter @whywere wow, that's nice of you. Maybe there's a way. I think I could survive as a couchbound invalid. Watching TV and wallowing in depressed thoughts isn't even that bad. Problem is I need money and my motivation and confidence are at zero. I'm coaching high school and it's a real drag. I often want to CTB just to avoid the next day. The fire is out. Also I've lost the respect of the kids after recent mental health weirdness. I need out. But oh yeah, the season starts Monday and I already signed my contract.

 

[Seneca65AD]

I'm probably the last person to give advice to you. I'm much older than you and I've failed at literally everything I initially tried. I did not get into university my first application, I was asked to leave a year after I did get accepted. I then failed to get into graduate school but made it on my 2nd attempt. My first marriage failed, etc., etc, etc. Hence the constant thought of CTB. But - and this is going to sound very "hokey" - the key is not the success, the key is the attempt.

I am in a career where almost everyone is smarter than me - at least on an IQ level. But I am considered successful because I do not give up. So, my advice is to figure out what you have going for you - speak, read and write a language? Check. Healthy enough to be able to stay awake for 12-16 hours at one time? Check. Able to hold a conversation? Check . Having a place to call home while you get organized? Check.

To be clear, not having the preceding does not prevent success, It just makes it a little more difficult but entirely doable. Okay, now you have the core essentials out of the way - here comes the hard part - what do you want to do? What piques your interest? It does not necessarily have to be academics, it could be working in the trades. Hell, if you need time to figure it out, apply for a Fire look-out position. It gets you out of the house, the pay sucks but your basics are provided - and it gives you time to focus on yourself. Also, most states and provinces have programs to assist with later bloomers - both academically and in the trades. The key is to give yourself some lee-way - life is going to be difficult enough without you calling yourself a coward or loser. You are having this conversation at 36 and not 60, so that's a plus.... and if you do have this conversation at 60, be happy you are not having it at 70.

 

[real human being]

I'm probably the last person to give advice to you. I'm much older than you and I've failed at literally everything I initially tried. I did not get into university my first application, I was asked to leave a year after I did get accepted. I then failed to get into graduate school but made it on my 2nd attempt. My first marriage failed, etc., etc, etc. Hence the constant thought of CTB. But - and this is going to sound very "hokey" - the key is not the success, the key is the attempt.

I am in a career where almost everyone is smarter than me - at least on an IQ level. But I am considered successful because I do not give up. So, my advice is to figure out what you have going for you - speak, read and write a language? Check. Healthy enough to be able to stay awake for 12-16 hours at one time? Check. Able to hold a conversation? Check . Having a place to call home while you get organized? Check.

To be clear, not having the preceding does not prevent success, It just makes it a little more difficult but entirely doable. Okay, now you have the core essentials out of the way - here comes the hard part - what do you want to do? What piques your interest? It does not necessarily have to be academics, it could be working in the trades. Hell, if you need time to figure it out, apply for a Fire look-out position. It gets you out of the house, the pay sucks but your basics are provided - and it gives you time to focus on yourself. Also, most states and provinces have programs to assist with later bloomers - both academically and in the trades. The key is to give yourself some lee-way - life is going to be difficult enough without you calling yourself a coward or loser. You are having this conversation at 36 and not 60, so that's a plus.... and if you do have this conversation at 60, be happy you are not having it at 70.

Very pragmatic and good advice. There's no point comparing yourself to others, you just have to focus on doing what's good for you and what makes you happy. I am much younger than both of you, 22 yo, but I've already managed to fail at a lot of things. I failed high school due to depression and anxiety, then I tried to do an online degree but fell into a depression and dropped out of that too. Now I've found a starting position in tech after a cybersecurity course and have gone back to doing that online degree in comp sci while getting experience. I have a lot of self-hatred and often feel like everything is hopeless and pointless, but what helps me is keeping in mind that all my failures and all the awfulness I feel isn't my fault, I'm simply doing my best to be happy with the mind and the circumstances that I've been given, and it isn't easy.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Very pragmatic and good advice. There's no point comparing yourself to others, you just have to focus on doing what's good for you and what makes you happy. I am much younger than both of you, 22 yo, but I've already managed to fail at a lot of things. I failed high school due to depression and anxiety, then I tried to do an online degree but fell into a depression and dropped out of that too. Now I've found a starting position in tech after a cybersecurity course and have gone back to doing that online degree in comp sci while getting experience. I have a lot of self-hatred and often feel like everything is hopeless and pointless, but what helps me is keeping in mind that all my failures and all the awfulness I feel isn't my fault, I'm simply doing my best to be happy with the mind and the circumstances that I've been given, and it isn't easy.

What is ironic is that you currently have the one thing that cannot be replaced - time. I would give all of my assets to be 22 or even 36 again. The fact you have made the realizations that you have at your age - something that took me many decades - and with which I am still struggling - leads me to say - Bravo and well-done!! I do not know you at all but I am very proud of you.