Venting Waiting on my autism/adhd diagnosis

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I had my assesment for autism/adhd, my family still tells me shit that isn't helpful. I get them, I'm a shut in failure to launch 25 year old. But fuck man, I don't know how much it's my own failure or if I actually have something, It's been like this for a long time, and there's this constant confusion I feel, I hope the diagnosis comes up with answers, I'm getting tired, they also don't understand that I don't want to interact with people before I actually get these results, the world, social interactions, everything feels like a minefield, a game with a ton of wrong moves, a dance in which when you start playing you can't stop it as easily and you can fuck up in a million ways, because everything you do or don't do or whatever, creates how others see you, and how you get the resources you need to LIVE, perception and personality are EVERYTHING.

PLEASE I WANT THIS PAIN TO FUCKING END AND I WANT A LIFE...

I have to wait 3 days till I get my results, I'm 25 years old and I even shaved my hair like 2 weeks ago or something, I look terrible, like awful, I did it cause I wasn't feeling well, I knew I would regret it, then i did regret it.
But like, I want to look nice, acceptable at least, and have a life where I can live with myself and not just be a failure/punching bag. I'm putting all my hopes on this diagnosis, but everything takes sooooo much time, and I don't have any direction, I don't go out the house, nor do I want to go out in this terrible state I'm in. I want a change, a different life. I hate not being in control, not having money, not knowing what to do, with the biggest fear of "messing up", like in a hardcore game with no instructions, and you can't just "experiment" I can't like go like for example show myself how I am one day, mask another day, like I can't go saying I don't like men, and then saying I'm bisexual, but like, you have to commit to a persona to be in the world... And up until now I never could be "myself" I don't know what that is. so yea, waiting on my diagnosis, while getting more and more anxious and rotting at home, every minute passes really slowly as my life drains away, and after all, will it be enough? Can I save myself or not? This answers eat away every day. It's horrible. I wish it gets better. I can't wait more.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

After years and years of being a shut in and relying on my family I didn't have a way to "develop" myself correctly, some things were always hard and I was pushed around and sometimes mistreated, I also mistreated others after becoming bitter from all the pain, and the absolute refusal of people to hear you out. I was a really nice kid, then I slowly eroded away into a disgusting person. I know I can salvage some of me if this diagnosis turns positive, I can get therapy maybe with someone that gets me and not the time wasting therapy that hasn't worked. I can maybe be more of "myself" and be comfortable in the world, even if I end up being a bum or something, I will know WHO I AM, and why I face the struggles I face,
And I have a FUCK YOU MOM/EVERYONE Card that I will for sure use as a barrier to protect myself from others.

I for sure been abused in some ways, and my willingness or naive attittude to other people turned me into someone easy to take advantage off, I now AGAIN have to realize how SHIT society is, and that this won't get me nowhere, so at least if I'm a certified weirdo, I can do weird things, change my appearance, fix my problems, and go at life with a more aggro attitude, maybe even start using anime pins again and being a fucking weirdo, cause now I won't care what people thing anymore, cause I am FINALLY validated for all my pain and suffering.

Think about it, if you grew being gaslit and abused and mistreated and that is all you know, you internalize it, and that becomes "who you are".

But after your diagnosis, as it is a pivotal moment (even if a "fake pivotal moment") It's a great narrative excuse to do a 180 and change a bunch of shit that you couldn't get away in other situations.

Kinda like the "I went onto a trip into the forest with the indians and it completely changed me"
Or "I took LSD and my personality changed" or like "Ever since meeting the pastor and accepting the word of GOD I'm now a changed man!"
All those bullshit stories we tell ourselves are really useful.

And because the world is really a performance, events can be really useful.
Like, people don't trust that I self diagnosed even though I studied and did research for more than a year, or like 2 years, I can't quite remember.

But I go to see this lady, 100 bucks paid up by my mom and an hour later, I have the feeling I will get diagnosed, then, it suddenly becomes "socially real" that I have this, and therefore, I get the opportunity to change in a radical way and I'm justified. That's just how the matrix works yknow.

People won't listen to my arguments, however much I study, research and look things over, but If someone else says it, that can be considered "serious", even if the test I took was shit or incomplete, it doesn't matter, appearances are what is important.

And the act is completed with getting like a piece of paper or confirmation from an "expert", then you can shut up the stupid ass people up.

So again. Logic doesn't get through, saying to someone exactly what you struggle with is ABSOLUTELY USELESS. A piece of paper now? "Oh yeah, you ARE right!"
Yeah BITCH I was right BEFORE I got the piece of paper.

That's just how life works in a way. Everything is just acting. I hate it, but the game is what it is. Maybe people are stupid and don't realize it or don't want to realize it,

I'm not sure, maybe they have 3000IQ and they perceive another plane of existence im not aware of. But I've seen this pattern a lot. People don't listen to ideas but to the PERSON who is saying them, and their social position in the game/hierarchy.

If life worked like I would want it to work, logically, you wouldn't have the people who do the most useful work at the bottom of the social piramid, like, what the fuck?
We live in a society that despises this "lower class of people" and then we have a middle class who pushes papers around in an office doing mostly useless shit that feel superior to the people holding up society.
Then, if you get a nice car, people like you more, if you are friends with a famous person or if you dress in an expensive way.

Like I feel things are not "real" in a lot of ways. Virtue isn't rewarded, yada yada, It's hard to me to accept this simple fact, but I'm often reminded of it.
---

So the TLDR/RECAP
Successful diagnosis --> Fuck you card --> Change with narrative excuse --> Life story I get to sell to others about myself. --> Narrative changes --> My past changes, and people forget and in a few months my identity changes, maybe I move, new life+

I stand on this theory 100%

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

I had my assesment for autism/adhd, my family still tells me shit that isn't helpful. I get them, I'm a shut in failure to launch 25 year old. But fuck man, I don't know how much it's my own failure or if I actually have something, It's been like this for a long time, and there's this constant confusion I feel, I hope the diagnosis comes up with answers, I'm getting tired, they also don't understand that I don't want to interact with people before I actually get these results, the world, social interactions, everything feels like a minefield, a game with a ton of wrong moves, a dance in which when you start playing you can't stop it as easily and you can fuck up in a million ways, because everything you do or don't do or whatever, creates how others see you, and how you get the resources you need to LIVE, perception and personality are EVERYTHING.

PLEASE I WANT THIS PAIN TO FUCKING END AND I WANT A LIFE...

I have to wait 3 days till I get my results, I'm 25 years old and I even shaved my hair like 2 weeks ago or something, I look terrible, like awful, I did it cause I wasn't feeling well, I knew I would regret it, then i did regret it.
But like, I want to look nice, acceptable at least, and have a life where I can live with myself and not just be a failure/punching bag. I'm putting all my hopes on this diagnosis, but everything takes sooooo much time, and I don't have any direction, I don't go out the house, nor do I want to go out in this terrible state I'm in. I want a change, a different life. I hate not being in control, not having money, not knowing what to do, with the biggest fear of "messing up", like in a hardcore game with no instructions, and you can't just "experiment" I can't like go like for example show myself how I am one day, mask another day, like I can't go saying I don't like men, and then saying I'm bisexual, but like, you have to commit to a persona to be in the world... And up until now I never could be "myself" I don't know what that is. so yea, waiting on my diagnosis, while getting more and more anxious and rotting at home, every minute passes really slowly as my life drains away, and after all, will it be enough? Can I save myself or not? This answers eat away every day. It's horrible. I wish it gets better. I can't wait more.

I have both ADHD and autism.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I have both ADHD and autism.

I would like to talk for you for like hours and hours, but I kinda can't, do you have any insight to share? What's your experience with it? Like life or whatever you wanna share

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

I would like to talk for you for like hours and hours, but I kinda can't, do you have any insight to share? What's your experience with it? Like life or whatever you wanna share

Literally feels like everyone is trying to avoid me in real life, I always feel hated and get angry pretty easy (like when someone takes away something from me that I can kill myself with and I scream like a girl, not even joking because I don't live alone) and I always forget things pretty easily and I am so depressed that I have no motivation on anything and I never cry anymore because knowing that I will be dead soon...

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

Literally feels like everyone is trying to avoid me in real life, I always feel hated and get angry pretty easy (like when someone takes away something from me that I can kill myself with and I scream like a girl, not even joking because I don't live alone) and I always forget things pretty easily and I am so depressed that I have no motivation on anything and I never cry anymore because knowing that I will be dead soon...

Sounds pretty shit, what do you mean someone "taking away something from you that you can use to ctb"?

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

Sounds pretty shit, what do you mean someone "taking away something from you that you can use to ctb"?

Because they are

Sounds pretty shit, what do you mean someone "taking away something from you that you can use to ctb"?

actually what do you mean "shit" i'm being honest

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

​

Because they are

Okay, I don't understand your situation, like are you like in a mental ward? Are they watching you all day? Are they taking your autonomy away? I'm sorry I don't get what your personal situation is like

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

​

Okay, I don't understand your situation, like are you like in a mental ward? Are they watching you all day? Are they taking your autonomy away? I'm sorry I don't get what your personal situation is like

No at home
I'm tired for now I will sleep