Help Very unsure

[LostSoul1609]

Still here... after all this time of wanting to die and recovering. I tried to fix my life for the last three years but nothing changed.
I'm still heavily scarred by my past and it won't get better and everytime I think about it it makes me want to die. I can't manage to see a positive future ahead of me, yes I do have some positive things in life, a stable job I don't like but still gives me money, some achievements, a healthy body, some passions and goals. I still can't pursue all this thing. I'm basically held in a toxic home into a life where all the important decisions weren't on me. It makes me feel powerless. I want to die everyday and yet I sometimes back out, I tell myself that it's fixable because I'm scared of what comes afterwards, I'm scared of meeting death empty handed. I don't want to scar the few people who were good to me.
I just need a small spark of happiness, just once, then I can live until old age I guess.

 

[logan]

The way you describe it, there is still hope. And you also say what your main problem is.

Is it not possible for you to find a new home and start again?

 

[hʚll]

i guess that the few times in which you back out are because of s.i.
living only because you're scared of what comes after sucks, seems like a form of coercion, exploiting your fears and anxieties.

i'm sorry for your suffering. wish you peace, no matter what you choose to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be a hopeless feeling when you try to recover but then get nowhere. This life can be exhausting, I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I wish you well.