kdraft
drifted
- May 25, 2025
- 15
I just feel like I'm getting both worse and better at the same time. As in, I get a little better, I feel guilty about it because I feel like I don't deserve to get better, no matter what my family and my therapist and my friends and my girlfriend say to me. But I guess guilt isn't enough of a reminder, since usually when I'm feeling a little better something bad happens. For example, I was feeling okay, and then someone who's lived with us my entire life, longer than that, died. They got hit by a car that was speeding, and the driver was on their phone, and they blew through the red light. I do know it's one of the more dangerous crosswalks near where I'm at, many people have gotten hit by cars there and passed away, but either way it still really put me into a depression. Or, when I felt okay then my mother was diagnosed with Huntington's, which I talked about a little while ago in a separate post, so I won't get into specifics. My dad and step-mom, who I live with, also argue a ton. For example, their most recent beef was my dad wanting to get a new mattress for their bed, which my step-mom told him they aren't replacing her 17 year old mattress unless my dad goes to the doctor and the doctor says he needs a new mattress, which by the way, the frame broke a bit, some springs are coming out of it on my dad's side of the bed. Same argument, Jozel complained to my dad about a dentist bill until he gave the last of his money, 200 bucks till his next paycheck, to her. It just really sucks, I feel bad for my dad. Unfortunately, home life takes a toll on me. Alongside the usual downs that hit me, it's just rough. Like, I was clean for a bit, and then I cut myself again with razors I bought that the adults in my house do not know about. I can't bring myself to sleep and so I have pretty obvious bags under my eyes. Still struggling to get a job too, and for some reason, free time makes me go insane. Like, it's similar to burn out but the opposite, I'm not feeling unmotivated or exhausted and all that because I'm working too hard or stuff like that, I could do whatever I want with so much free time basically, like I have a phone and a secret laptop I've had for a while, and a desktop downstairs- which is the last place I wanna be because it isn't my room. But even with all that, I can't really bring myself to do anything. I like to draw, code on turbowarp- scratch, sure, is meant for kids to code on, but it's nostalgic for me and simple, I have a good grasp on the language and turbowarp has more capabilities- such as temporary variables which helps decrease lag. Use once or twice, delete after. I tried getting into C++ and such, but I'm just... too lazy to start going through understanding an entirely new, more complicated coding language. It takes more effort than I can put in, even though I have so much free time aside from cleaning the house a bit when the adults ask me to. My room is not clean though, and most of my friends and such can't understand how I tolerate it. It's not the worst my room has been. I used to have papers all over my floor, art or whatever, to where every step was stepping through paper that was a couple inches stacked. Got that cleaned up eventually though. My bed is practically a storage space too, I only have room for me on it. There's no bugs or anything in my room, it's just messy. I also was feeling great last month, and then my last rat died. I had two dumbo rats, and they lived two years- almost three. The first one died in late march because it had this tumor, and while it wasn't cancerous- or at least didn't seem so- it grew so big and had so many blood vessels, and looking to remove it, well a couple months before we went to a vet about it and he said that we should wait till it's bigger because surgery has a risk of death for the rats- but now I regret saying we won't then for now, since the risk, because at that time it was quite small. Then we ended up not being able to afford a vet visit till it was huge- and trying to convince my dad to take me to the vet- till we found out there was a ton of blood vessels, and it was so big that to remove it, they would also have to remove the hind legs. It was sad, but I recovered decently. Despite that tumor though, the rat was still quite active, like running around and climbing and everything. The other rat died in early June, which, he was sick but was very, very good at hiding it- the vet said because rats are prey animals and hide their illness so they aren't weaker targets until they can't anymore. The rat went into sepsis and everything. My family said they'd take good care of him while I spent two nights at my friend's house, but the first time I enter my room he's struggling to breath with pneumonia, and he's paralyzed and stuff with a bloody nose and tears all over his face to where his fur was soaked. On the way to the vet- half hour drive because no small animal vets are nearby, he seemed like his heart was stopping or something, but if I kind of pushed on the middle of his body or his back, not hard of course, he'd seem to have his heart beating again. I can't tell if that was actually keeping him alive or if he would breathe afterwards anyway, but I did that 7 times and he was still alive when we arrived. The vet said we theoretically could get him on oxygen, and they could try to save him, but that would cost extra; and he shouldn't have to suffer like that. So, I lost those guys sadly. The same day they died- a few hours after- my dad immediately said we could go to the pet store tomorrow and get new ones- and maybe he didn't know or something; but that just seemed like awful timing. It kind of hurt a bit, but maybe I'm just sensitive. I also feel like maybe I'm nitpicking a bit, but like- my little brother, still not an adult yet by the way, but he's constantly just saying... like... insane words and sentences. I am 9 years older than him, but he's 11 now, just finished 5th grade and will be in middle school- and again, maybe I'm just nitpicking or overly sensitive or something or overreacting, but he's that young and he just says... not the best of things. Warning, spoiler describes some things he's said, and they're kind of not appropriate- and I wasn't complete sure if I should mark this post as NSFW because of it- I did just in case though. like if you interact with him, he'll probably greet you by calling you a slut, a bitch, a hoe, a whore, stuff like that. And he randomly says just... eugh things to people, including me. Like, he said, "I hope you get raped by a pair of clippers" like ok probably satire but dude- I feel like he shouldn't be saying that to anyone whatsoever. Or he'll constantly say he hopes someone get touched, or if he's playing his call of duty modern warfare or playing fortnite, when he refers to when he gets attacked as being raped or touched- like again maybe I'm just sensitive, but I really feel like he shouldn't be saying stuff like that. He thinks it's funny but I just can't think it is. Like I gave him a little middle school advice and the first thing I said was "hey, do not talk like that at school man, kids are mean." and I am a little worried also because he's gotten suspended three times during his elementary school over fighting. A 6 year old- while my little brother was still 10- gave the L symbol to my little brother and my little brother beat them up. He's also fought other people too. And, you can tell he kinda is more violent of a person- has some violent tendencies- or it just seems that way. He'll randomly walk up to you and hit you or something- not insanely hard but it kinda hurts sometimes, and he'll just laugh about it. Again, maybe my anxiety just acting up, maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm sensitive, probably biased due to sexual trauma when I was 9- man, that was forever ago, I feel old now... But regardless I'm kind of worried for his future. I don't really know how to help him because when I try he just says something like "shut your bitch ass up" which he says randomly as well when it's been silent for a bit, but yeah, I dunno, it just bothers me. The fact he's saying this at the age of 10-11 also bugs me- and consistently he gets 3 or 2 letters away from saying the n-word consistently, he's white by the way, and considers it very funny. I don't really get the humor, but, alas. That's all for the spoilered part. so, moving on. Just, I feel like my anxiety and depression has been killing me. Which relates to the silence rant.
I genuinely have a vendetta against the silence. I am listening to music or have something playing in the background 24/7, mostly music. I've recently been listening to only this rock band called Bayside- rock being my favorite genre. I could go on forever about artists I listen to. But songs like how to fix everything, alcohol and altar boys (or alter instead of altar depending on the streaming platform), the 2002 demo of just enough to love you, duality, have fun storming the castle, kellum, it's not as depressing as it sounds, montaulk, blame it on bad luck, the ghost, 2002 demo a synonym for acquiese, the ghost of saint valentine, i and i, I can't go on (the first ever song i listened to from them), poison in my veins, the new flesh, loveless wrists 2002 demo- both versions of the song actually, already gone, dear tragedy, i'm so happy i could die, aside, if you're bored, it doesn't make it true, a rite of passage, just like home, winter, a phone call from poland, pretty vacant, parental reversal, time has come, the ghost, what and what not, (pop)ular science, medication, bury me, prayers, no one understands, cast away, sick sick sick, good advice, those are songs that I can relate to which, lyrics really matter to me- and the demos have that less professional industry sound which i like. But relatable music is one of my favorite kinds of music. It's rock, my favorite genre, it's not intense screamo in a way I can't enjoy- just approved. Again, I could go one for a while, but I don't want to bore.
But the reason why, we're only on the 7th month of the year and have listened to over 90,000 minutes of music, is because i cannot stand the silence. If I'm not listening to music, a youtube video is either playing in the background or I'm paying attention to it, I have an earbud in all the time- but I can still hear people just fine despite that. My issue is I rely way, way too much on sound. It's like a dependence. If I'm in my room, and there's no sounds at all, besides maybe my fan or something- and this happens even faster if there's no light- but, if I'm in pure silence, I will get a panic attack. I feel really stupid about it. I'm an adult, I shouldn't be relying on the existence of sound to keep myself sane. Part of the reason is because I only have my thoughts to entertain me when it's silent- which is the last thing I want.
Anywho, that's all I have to say, so.
I genuinely have a vendetta against the silence. I am listening to music or have something playing in the background 24/7, mostly music. I've recently been listening to only this rock band called Bayside- rock being my favorite genre. I could go on forever about artists I listen to. But songs like how to fix everything, alcohol and altar boys (or alter instead of altar depending on the streaming platform), the 2002 demo of just enough to love you, duality, have fun storming the castle, kellum, it's not as depressing as it sounds, montaulk, blame it on bad luck, the ghost, 2002 demo a synonym for acquiese, the ghost of saint valentine, i and i, I can't go on (the first ever song i listened to from them), poison in my veins, the new flesh, loveless wrists 2002 demo- both versions of the song actually, already gone, dear tragedy, i'm so happy i could die, aside, if you're bored, it doesn't make it true, a rite of passage, just like home, winter, a phone call from poland, pretty vacant, parental reversal, time has come, the ghost, what and what not, (pop)ular science, medication, bury me, prayers, no one understands, cast away, sick sick sick, good advice, those are songs that I can relate to which, lyrics really matter to me- and the demos have that less professional industry sound which i like. But relatable music is one of my favorite kinds of music. It's rock, my favorite genre, it's not intense screamo in a way I can't enjoy- just approved. Again, I could go one for a while, but I don't want to bore.
But the reason why, we're only on the 7th month of the year and have listened to over 90,000 minutes of music, is because i cannot stand the silence. If I'm not listening to music, a youtube video is either playing in the background or I'm paying attention to it, I have an earbud in all the time- but I can still hear people just fine despite that. My issue is I rely way, way too much on sound. It's like a dependence. If I'm in my room, and there's no sounds at all, besides maybe my fan or something- and this happens even faster if there's no light- but, if I'm in pure silence, I will get a panic attack. I feel really stupid about it. I'm an adult, I shouldn't be relying on the existence of sound to keep myself sane. Part of the reason is because I only have my thoughts to entertain me when it's silent- which is the last thing I want.
Anywho, that's all I have to say, so.
