ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 443
This exhaustion is getting to me. The itch to just consume my SN grows day by day. I have just over two weeks left. If I succumb to survival instinct on the night, I'll hate myself even more.
I've spent the entire day today locked away in my room. I don't know if isolation will help my plan at all. People will likely assume I'm just taking time to myself to recover from the events of February. I suppose in a way they're not wrong. The only issue is I won't ever be able to recover.
I wish I weren't so tied to my CTB date. Realistically I could choose any day, the hotel would be cheaper if I changed the day, but my chosen date is so important, it just makes sense for it to be that day.
Throughout the day I find myself spiralling at random points, breaking down in tears. Now that I'm no longer home alone, though, I need to control the volume. The last time I was suicidal, crying alone in my room, was around 13 years ago. If only I knew then just how much worse things were going to get.
I've been having flashes of memories of my time with my late partner. Every time I do, I'm forced to fight back the tears. I just want another chance with him. I want to be there for him, in the way I should have been in this life. It makes me feel sick knowing how cruel I was to him at the end. That memory will never leave me.
It's a wild mix of emotions. Misery, self-hatred, anger, confusion, fear, desperation.
Just a couple of weeks left.
I've spent the entire day today locked away in my room. I don't know if isolation will help my plan at all. People will likely assume I'm just taking time to myself to recover from the events of February. I suppose in a way they're not wrong. The only issue is I won't ever be able to recover.
I wish I weren't so tied to my CTB date. Realistically I could choose any day, the hotel would be cheaper if I changed the day, but my chosen date is so important, it just makes sense for it to be that day.
Throughout the day I find myself spiralling at random points, breaking down in tears. Now that I'm no longer home alone, though, I need to control the volume. The last time I was suicidal, crying alone in my room, was around 13 years ago. If only I knew then just how much worse things were going to get.
I've been having flashes of memories of my time with my late partner. Every time I do, I'm forced to fight back the tears. I just want another chance with him. I want to be there for him, in the way I should have been in this life. It makes me feel sick knowing how cruel I was to him at the end. That memory will never leave me.
It's a wild mix of emotions. Misery, self-hatred, anger, confusion, fear, desperation.
Just a couple of weeks left.
