vent

[bipolarg0ner]

Sometimes I think about isolating myself and just make music and don't worry about anybody just be in complete solitude. I don't have much friends because I have very bad social issues and if someone says something I don't like it pisses me off. So I don't really like humans. I'm usually alone drowning in my own hatred and anger someday I want to put it all in my music if I ever pursue that career. Honestly I just try to avoid friends because I don't want to get involved in unnecessary bullshit to the point where I'm going to fucking hurt someone. In my opinion people are fucking pointless....idk maybe I should just calm down. It's just every time I make a friend shit goes wrong and it leaves me feeling like shit. I've lost so many friends good ones too people who once said they loved me....I miss them I do I miss when things were good when I felt pure happiness now I just feel hatred and numbness. Everytime someone is nice to me it bothers me like it's a nusance, I think it's because I've been fooled by kindness so many times Im fucking pissed off by it. I remember this one girl was trying to piss me off; she succeeded but it was not a win on her part I remember stepping on her kicking as hard as I could throwing all my hatred at her screaming "SUFFER AS I HAVE SUFFERED SCREAM AS I HAVE SCREAMED CRY AS I HAVE CRIED YOU HAVE NO FUCKING KNOWLEDGE OF THE PAIN OF MY EXISTINCE" I didn't stop till I saw blood.... That was the last time we ever crossed paths I still see her here and their but I know she fears me. They all know nothing of my suffering they've never cried till they puked they never have had people treat them like less than a human being they never been in complete solitude they would never last. I just want all those people to die I want them to scream. I'm horrible this is why I have to die I'm a disgusting person I want to die deep in the woods so no one will find me I just want to sleep I can't talk to anyone or hurt them if I'm asleep. Maybe I want a friend maybe I want to be told it will be ok maybe I want to be hugged. Wow I'm crying alot rn hahaha I shouldn't cry I don't deserve it I'm not a victim I'm horrible I deserve no sympathy. Is solitude the answer....or is death I can't be around people and I can't bear solitude I'm completely out of options there's no one never was....

 

[Soundgarden]

I can feel the anguish in your post, Goner! I think many of us here on this forum can understand it all too well.

I can offer no advice, I just wanted to reply and say hell-o.

\m/

 

[Maledictus]

I feel that with the part about getting annoyed when people are nice to you like it's a nuisance.

Sometimes when people I'm not close with - and when I say close I mean knowing my secrets and who I really am behind the mask I wear - are nice to me, I feel bitter because there's a high chance all of that friendliness would turn to judgement if they knew the things about me society deems evil/disgusting despite not being harmful. I hate that about people, but that kind of behavior just seems to be part of (yes, haha, meme) living in a society.

Even people trying to discourage people from committing suicide by saying something along the lines of "you're worthy" makes me feel this way, I always think about how if they knew a person was part of a taboo they probably wouldn't be so quick to say that, perhaps would even rather them dead.