Venting vent

[heisenberg]

i haven't posted on here in a bit but just need to get some things off my chest. i have no one to talk to irl and don't want to speak to a therapist and get sent to psych. i've felt very strongly for the past few years now that i have borderline personality disorder. i have not seen a psychiatrist or anyone about this. for the past 5 years now i have had extremely unstable relationships, i've completely stopped talking to pretty much all my friends - online and my one irl i've known since i was 13. i've ended romantic pursuits after making myself find a reason to lose interest when i "find someone better." i've went back to these people after the person i'm talking to ends up hating me first or i cut them off. i've been in a irl relationship for almost 2.5 years now. truthfully i feel the worst when i'm in a relationship but, also truthfully, it is the only thing that has stopped me from ctb. i hate being alone - i can't be alone. but i can't stand myself when i'm with someone. at this point i can't even say if i've really ever loved the people i've been with just because i literally make myself hate them for no good reason. i'm stuck in this endless cycle of loving and hating people. i've tried to make sense of it and my emotions for the longest time but i can't. maybe i am just a bad person. i can't be alone but i'm no good to anyone else either. over the past couple years i think i understand that i'm just a bad person maybe. i felt extremely guilty and terrible when after i cut off my childhood friend and i saw her texts - "are you okay?" to "can you at least tell me what i did" to eventually nothing. lately i've been thinking about reaching out to her but i can't decide if i want to reach out because i feel bad for her or for me. i know cutting people off is a bad thing to do - i know that i make bad decisions. i really am my own worst enemy. i feel so stuck in my own head.