Validation Dictates Mood

[FrozenOcean]

I have BPD and I've come to terms more recently with the fact that approval/validation or disapproval determines my moods. It's largely linked to my parents, the covert narcissist and the enabler. When they're cool with me I'm good, sometimes even manic, and when they hate me I'm ready to CTB. Can anyone relate? What influences your mood disorders if you have them?

 

[peridot-tears]

I don't have BPD, but do have MDD. Getting an ounce of attention from my friend helps me forget about CTB for a little bit. She's the only one I have, which sucks given we're in different states for a majority of the year, so getting a call from her every now and again puts me in a different headspace than I'm usually in. Once the call ends, I'm back to how I was before the call began. Not fun

 

[gothbird]

Yeah, I relate more than I'd like to admit. I have BPD and MDD.

BPD turns external feedback into emotional oxygen. If someone's warm, we breathe easy. If they pull away, it feels like suffocation. You're not imagining it. That volatility is wired into us. Childhood conditioning carved the pathways, and now we just keep running the same loops.
The narcissistic parent/enabler combo is a blueprint for this kind of dysregulation. You grow up chasing crumbs of approval like they're gold bars. It teaches you to tether your sense of self to other people's moods—because for a while, that was survival.

When I feel unwanted, I spiral fast. It's not logical. Like my nervous system believes abandonment equals death. And yeah, I've had those CTB days after just one cold shoulder. One unanswered message. One disappointed look. It's exhausting.
Some people self-soothe. We self-destruct. It's not attention-seeking. It's damage management. Not good coping, but still coping.

What helps (barely) is knowing the pattern. Naming it before it owns me. Saying: "This feeling is from 2005, not today."
That doesn't fix it—but it buys me time.

You're not alone in this.
It's messy, and hard, and sometimes humiliating—but it's real.

 

[FrozenOcean]

I don't have BPD, but do have MDD. Getting an ounce of attention from my friend helps me forget about CTB for a little bit. She's the only one I have, which sucks given we're in different states for a majority of the year, so getting a call from her every now and again puts me in a different headspace than I'm usually in. Once the call ends, I'm back to how I was before the call began. Not fun

I know what you mean. I had a friend who was really funny and it helped me forget about the world and my issues for a while when we would hangout. It's a distraction while it lasts, but afterwards I can slip back to a crappy mood pretty easily.

 

[Tao]

I have BPD and I've come to terms more recently with the fact that approval/validation or disapproval determines my moods. It's largely linked to my parents, the covert narcissist and the enabler. When they're cool with me I'm good, sometimes even manic, and when they hate me I'm ready to CTB. Can anyone relate? What influences your mood disorders if you have them?

I have BPD, and validation is indeed a drug. Even if I think someone hates me I want to off myself (honestly, sometimes not receiving a "like" on a post makes me think I said something wrong, I suck, or everyone hates me when I know that isn't reality). The only cure for this I've found is trying to find that validation in myself and developing some sense of self-compassion.
Still it stings when my siblings thrive from the childhood abuse we endured and recieve my parent's approval but I'm the black sheep because I took the abuse to heart and believe I'm worthless.
I was so successful for a while and my parents were flaunting this on social media and showering me with gift and praise. But when I became burnt out my father said, "I was so proud of you but now... what am I going to tell people? You're unemployed and mental... I'm so disappointed in you." That sent me into a spiral and I binged so many drugs because I wanted to die.
I really hate that I was set up for failure and made to be addicted to their validation which led me into a host of abusive relationships and self-destructive behaviors. I sometimes wish I was like my siblings and I could use the abuse to be an overachiever. But living for my family's praise is a hell in it's own rite; my sibling despise that I am "lazy" and don't work and don't suffer same way they do with seeking endless accolades, career advancements and raising children. The only thing I can do now is try to heal... which for me means being the loving supportive understanding parent/companion for myself that I may never really experience.

 

[FrozenOcean]

I didn't expect people to relate this well. It actually helps me a lot to know I'm not alone and to hear about your coping mechanisms. Thank you

 

[BeijaFlor]

i also have BPD... ive been forcefuly commited by my family, to a psychward for 3 months, for being bipolar and having BDP...my so called family, were nothing but cowards...

no, forget your family.

if theyre doing you wrong, as matter of fact, IF ANYBODY EVER does you wrong, FUCK THEM!!

push them away from your life

dont PUT UP WITH THEIR SHIT!!

n then you may say "oh, but its not that simple" sure, sure

its not as simple as being tossed out, homeless, as a teenager, you say?

yeah, well... people go through that

realise that, there are worse struggles goin on right now

and i dont say this to make you feel bad, no, no no no

forget that idea

im only pointing this out, to try n make you realise

that what you think you have, you dont

how long will you feel sorry for yourself?

n again, no, i dont mean to blame it all on you, not at all

thats not my tone

but listen

arent you sick of it?

truly

have you ever , ever, felt anger? rage?

upon the world, n how it all works?

then youre on the path

wake up

 

[Tao]

I didn't expect people to relate this well. It actually helps me a lot to know I'm not alone and to hear about your coping mechanisms. Thank you

I'm very glad it's helping. You seem very self-aware and introspective which are great traits some lack and even reject. This will serve you well. I wish you the best!

 

[treestumpisland]

Is it posssible to have these traits described without being BPD? I've never been diagnosed with that, but I fully relate, i think, to validation affecting me significantly at a way higher rate than most.

When i'm invalidated, i still remember and am hurt by every single person who's ever inalidated me, especially if they were in a position of power or supposed to help me and i was supposed to trust like mommie dearest, therapists, etc. It sticks with me so strongly, especially when they're confident in what they say, even if others confirm they're wrong for saying that. it takes a long time for me to come around and trust when people validate that those people were stupid, wrong for that, had no idea what they were talking about, proven wrong, it takes alot of assurance for me to not have that experience stick to me like a tick.

i hate that i'm this way and can't just listen when people say "ignore them, they don't know what they're talking about, don't listen to them, they have no business talking about that, well that's wrong of them to say as a therapist, no therapist should ever say that, that's very outdated views about ptsd, they clearly don't know what they'e talking about, try to forget them, there's nothing wrong with you wanting xyz, there's nothing wrong with you not wanting xyz" etc.

So far, i've only been diagnosed with ptsd, i probably have c-ptsd, depression, and that's it. Though i can relate to what a few people on this thread have described about being really affected by invalidation and it sticking to you.

 

[Tao]

Is it posssible to have these traits described without being BPD? I've never been diagnosed with that, but I fully relate, i think, to validation affecting me significantly at a way higher rate than most.

When i'm invalidated, i still remember and am hurt by every single person who's ever inalidated me, especially if they were in a position of power or supposed to help me and i was supposed to trust like mommie dearest, therapists, etc. It sticks with me so strongly, especially when they're confident in what they say, even if others confirm they're wrong for saying that. it takes a long time for me to come around and trust when people validate that those people were stupid, wrong for that, had no idea what they were talking about, proven wrong, it takes alot of assurance for me to not have that experience stick to me like a tick.

i hate that i'm this way and can't just listen when people say "ignore them, they don't know what they're talking about, don't listen to them, they have no business talking about that, well that's wrong of them to say as a therapist, no therapist should ever say that, that's very outdated views about ptsd, they clearly don't know what they'e talking about, try to forget them, there's nothing wrong with you wanting xyz, there's nothing wrong with you not wanting xyz" etc.

So far, i've only been diagnosed with ptsd, i probably have c-ptsd, depression, and that's it. Though i can relate to what a few people on this thread have described about being really affected by invalidation and it sticking to you.

I would say absolutely. I was diagnosed with BPD + c-PTSD and a lot of symptoms overlap. I still have issues with trust and believing myself but I don't know if that's BPD or c-PTSD. It's probably both.

Both can present as a negative self-view, difficulties with trust and relationships, emotional dysregulation, and a fear of abandonment. And both can develop because of prolonged trauma.

 

[treestumpisland]

I would say absolutely. I was diagnosed with BPD + c-PTSD and a lot of symptoms overlap. I still have issues with trust and believing myself but I don't know if that's BPD or c-PTSD. It's probably both.

Both can present as a negative self-view, difficulties with trust and relationships, emotional dysregulation, and a fear of abandonment. And both can develop because of prolonged trauma.

Huh, ok, because yeah, i resonate with alot of what's been described. I'm sorry you're all going through that as well, i know it sucks to rely on others for validation, i wish i didn't need to or could get a therapist who knows what they're doing and actually helps me be more emotionally self-sufficient. but where i am, finding a decent therapist is like trying to find a snowball in hell, i'd rather look for a needle in a haystack.

 

[monetpompo]

When they're cool with me I'm good, sometimes even manic, and when they hate me I'm ready to CTB

you're so ME. this is what i'm TALKING ABOUT but people think i'm crazy for having so many mood switches (i still am). i geek out so hard when i think people don't like me and almost feel like vomiting. when my mom gets mad at me i feel really sad inside because it makes me feel like a failure. i feel like a failure when my teachers don't validate me as much as other students either. for some reason i always want to be the one people like and the one people think is funny because i can't feel good about myself otherwise. it's hard to love myself when i see nothing worth loving inside unless someone is directly complimenting me. someone needs to tell me i'm good or i'll kill myself on the spot. i want to be liked so badly and don't know why. i fixate on it. i have cptsd and either bipolar or bpd since doctors don't know what to diagnose me with. i think my mom must have bipolar because she has mood switches in the same way and it was always hard to tell if she was going to like me one day or say that she hates me the next. i've always wanted my mom to like me even when she hates me or forgets i exist. i'm scared everyone's gonna leave me the second they stop talking to me and also doubt that they would want to stay with me since i'm an insecure freak (lol)

 

[Dejected 55]

I can't truly say because I've honestly never experienced validation from anyone. I might would be addicted to it, I would like to experience it to know what it feels like, but it is an almost alien concept to me. In my life people have only wanted to spend time or talk with me if they got something from me out of it, be it a chore or money. I've never experienced someone appreciating or validating me just for being there.