atleastf0rnow
-
- Nov 12, 2024
- 1
[tagged as nsfw because of sexual abuse, fictional fetish content and zoophilia being mentioned. i've been studying the forum guides for a bit so i hope i tagged this right >_<]
i just want to be able to share my story to Someone and this forum seemed like an okay place for it
tldr: my entire life has crumbled within the past 24 hours and i think i'm irreversibly fucked. i impulsively cut off a big chunk of my support system (and if word about how "evil" i am spreads to them then i'm sure i'll have nobody left), i have no family to lean on, no local community, i'm dead broke and the girlfriend who's been letting me live rent-free with her hates me now and there's nothing stopping her from kicking me out and leaving me homeless
i lived with my parents + middle brother for most of my life and had to deal with incestuous abuse from my brother from the age of ~5-12. my mom knew about this and still let him come back every single time he got kicked out under the guise of "well he didn't know any better so it's okay. he still loves you". thousands of dollars in stolen goods, arrested multiple times for beating my mother and disabled father, nearly beat his 7y/o daughter to death and he was still allowed back in the house. i finally turned 18 in may, graduated hs in june and made plans to move in with a family friend in july. i took a plane across the entire country just to be there and things went well for a while. i got started on testosterone, attended a queer hangout every friday and i was feeling happy with myself
in october my (now ex) gf "D" and a mutual friend "R" gracioualy offered to let me stay in their first apartment rent-free (they knew i had trouble finding a job due to having zero experience in a pretty competitive job market. in my defense it was hard to focus on employment when you're in school and stuck in that shithole of a house) and ofc i accepted. bcuz i loved my gf and wanted to be able to provide for her. both of them work long hours so i offered to watch over the animals and keep the place clean while they were gone and the arrangement went pretty okay
and then things got Worse. i had a psychotic episode so bad that it completely fucked up my mind and after that i was constantly paranoid and afraid of being watched all the time. D was losing her patience with me and blowing up at me more + started prowling around my social media, looking thru my following tab obsessively under the guise of making sure i wasn't one of those Gross Predators (which.... in retrospect should've been a massive red flag but whatever). the amount of times she would come to me to confront me about doing someting Bad--liking a post from someone she didn't like, not jiving with her instinct to join in on public bullying any chance she got, etc--got so much more frequent. i started drifting from my main friend group after noticing one of the most prominent members was less interested in me and was making Not So Subtle hints towards it in group vcs. i was relapsing on cutting daily and completely fucked up my clean streak. i was cracking under the mental pressure a bit but i stood as strong as i could in spite of it
and then this morning something happened. i can't really explained what happened to make me suddenly feel this earth-shattering dread but i woke up and i had the instinct to LEAVE immediately. leave what? go where? hell if i knew! i left my main friend server after being there for 4 years, cut off a few select friends from it, cut the deepest i've ever cut, and i've just been wallowing in despair all day. as an extra treat D dmed me a few hours ago to express that she deliberately snooped through my nsfw account and determined that i must be a zoophile + animal rapist and she doesn't want to speak to me anymore... what did she find that made her come to this conclusion? art of a scolipede with its dick out. because Of Fucking Course thats what tips her over the edge.
(i would understand her anger if i just shoved that content in her face like a jackass but the fact that i 1) kept it reserved to my likes and 2) made sure it had the appropriate tags so her muted words would filter it out, yet she STILL took the time and effort to look for it to get upset about it??? feels like she just wanted an excuse to get rid of me at that point)
and since then i've been in a panic. there's no emotional barrier stopping her from just kicking me out anymore. yeah i clean and feed the animals but its nothing a roomba and an automatic feeder can't do. i don't have the funds for a moving truck to take my shit with me, i don't have any stable support systems anymore and most friends i have left will absolutely take her Dog Rapist accusations at face value. if i went back with my parents i would have to stop hrt and be near my brother again + i'm far enough in my transition where the changes are very noticeable and my transphobic dad will make my life a living hell because of it
and once i'm gone... what do i do? i just spent all this time and mental effort getting to where i wanted to be only to fuck it up within the span of a day. this is objectively the worst i've ever felt and i don't know if i can come back from this. i've always wanted to kill myself but i held off on it because of Hope or whatever but i don't know whats left for me. can i afford the emotional toll of doing this all over again? could i handle another loss? would it just be better to ctb now to save me the future despair? rn it's a maybe but it's leaning towards yes quite a bit
i don't know what to do. she hasn't Confirmed that i'm being kicked out yet but i wouldn't be surprised if that's what she's aiming for. i'm scrambling with the few friends i have left to organize an escape plan jic but things are looking grim right now. i'm fucked
i just want to be able to share my story to Someone and this forum seemed like an okay place for it
tldr: my entire life has crumbled within the past 24 hours and i think i'm irreversibly fucked. i impulsively cut off a big chunk of my support system (and if word about how "evil" i am spreads to them then i'm sure i'll have nobody left), i have no family to lean on, no local community, i'm dead broke and the girlfriend who's been letting me live rent-free with her hates me now and there's nothing stopping her from kicking me out and leaving me homeless
i lived with my parents + middle brother for most of my life and had to deal with incestuous abuse from my brother from the age of ~5-12. my mom knew about this and still let him come back every single time he got kicked out under the guise of "well he didn't know any better so it's okay. he still loves you". thousands of dollars in stolen goods, arrested multiple times for beating my mother and disabled father, nearly beat his 7y/o daughter to death and he was still allowed back in the house. i finally turned 18 in may, graduated hs in june and made plans to move in with a family friend in july. i took a plane across the entire country just to be there and things went well for a while. i got started on testosterone, attended a queer hangout every friday and i was feeling happy with myself
in october my (now ex) gf "D" and a mutual friend "R" gracioualy offered to let me stay in their first apartment rent-free (they knew i had trouble finding a job due to having zero experience in a pretty competitive job market. in my defense it was hard to focus on employment when you're in school and stuck in that shithole of a house) and ofc i accepted. bcuz i loved my gf and wanted to be able to provide for her. both of them work long hours so i offered to watch over the animals and keep the place clean while they were gone and the arrangement went pretty okay
and then things got Worse. i had a psychotic episode so bad that it completely fucked up my mind and after that i was constantly paranoid and afraid of being watched all the time. D was losing her patience with me and blowing up at me more + started prowling around my social media, looking thru my following tab obsessively under the guise of making sure i wasn't one of those Gross Predators (which.... in retrospect should've been a massive red flag but whatever). the amount of times she would come to me to confront me about doing someting Bad--liking a post from someone she didn't like, not jiving with her instinct to join in on public bullying any chance she got, etc--got so much more frequent. i started drifting from my main friend group after noticing one of the most prominent members was less interested in me and was making Not So Subtle hints towards it in group vcs. i was relapsing on cutting daily and completely fucked up my clean streak. i was cracking under the mental pressure a bit but i stood as strong as i could in spite of it
and then this morning something happened. i can't really explained what happened to make me suddenly feel this earth-shattering dread but i woke up and i had the instinct to LEAVE immediately. leave what? go where? hell if i knew! i left my main friend server after being there for 4 years, cut off a few select friends from it, cut the deepest i've ever cut, and i've just been wallowing in despair all day. as an extra treat D dmed me a few hours ago to express that she deliberately snooped through my nsfw account and determined that i must be a zoophile + animal rapist and she doesn't want to speak to me anymore... what did she find that made her come to this conclusion? art of a scolipede with its dick out. because Of Fucking Course thats what tips her over the edge.
(i would understand her anger if i just shoved that content in her face like a jackass but the fact that i 1) kept it reserved to my likes and 2) made sure it had the appropriate tags so her muted words would filter it out, yet she STILL took the time and effort to look for it to get upset about it??? feels like she just wanted an excuse to get rid of me at that point)
and since then i've been in a panic. there's no emotional barrier stopping her from just kicking me out anymore. yeah i clean and feed the animals but its nothing a roomba and an automatic feeder can't do. i don't have the funds for a moving truck to take my shit with me, i don't have any stable support systems anymore and most friends i have left will absolutely take her Dog Rapist accusations at face value. if i went back with my parents i would have to stop hrt and be near my brother again + i'm far enough in my transition where the changes are very noticeable and my transphobic dad will make my life a living hell because of it
and once i'm gone... what do i do? i just spent all this time and mental effort getting to where i wanted to be only to fuck it up within the span of a day. this is objectively the worst i've ever felt and i don't know if i can come back from this. i've always wanted to kill myself but i held off on it because of Hope or whatever but i don't know whats left for me. can i afford the emotional toll of doing this all over again? could i handle another loss? would it just be better to ctb now to save me the future despair? rn it's a maybe but it's leaning towards yes quite a bit
i don't know what to do. she hasn't Confirmed that i'm being kicked out yet but i wouldn't be surprised if that's what she's aiming for. i'm scrambling with the few friends i have left to organize an escape plan jic but things are looking grim right now. i'm fucked
