unfortunately still here

[unbelievablydead]

so i chickened out of my method and i fucking hate myself for it

i didn't want to be here in the new year and yet here i am... fml

i regret not going through with what i had planned. everything has gotten so much worse. i just want to fucking die... why is that so hard??? like i just don't want to be here anymore, and i feel i'm being held here completely against my will. "but it gets better" first of all, it won't for me. second, even IF i go from a 2 to a 4 or 5 i will NEVER feel like how i used to. my life is fucking over, and i just want to physically end it too. and no, that's not an exaggeration. i am done. and no one even understands.

 

[Realog11]

I chickened out of a method that would of gave me death I was going to jump at a waterfall but went back home

 

[maylurker]

its okay dont blame yourself for it

 

[unbelievablydead]

I chickened out of a method that would of gave me death I was going to jump at a waterfall but when back home

my method was drowning/hypothermia in freezing water. walked 5+ miles to get there and then got scared it wouldn't work. tbh, don't really care if it did or didn't work, at least i would've actually attempted. now i just feel stupid and embarrassed.

was your reason for backing out SI or something else, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[amor.dor]

Don't pressure yourself so much. You don't owe anyone explanations about your own life or death. It's okay. Give yourself time.

 

[Realog11]

my method was drowning/hypothermia in freezing water. walked 5+ miles to get there and then got scared it wouldn't work. tbh, don't really care if it did or didn't work, at least i would've actually attempted. now i just feel stupid and embarrassed.

was your reason for backing out SI or something else, if you don't mind me asking?

yeah it was SI but I also wanted to drown its funny cause I had dreams of my death drowning and jumping

 

[unbelievablydead]

Don't pressure yourself so much. You don't owe anyone explanations about your own life or death. It's okay. Give yourself time.

thank you i'm just so ready to die, i don't think i'm even scared of death anymore (for the most part), it's just the dying process. all the methods require sustaining some level of discomfort and i'm just so scared of that. i also don't want to leave my body looking a mess. it's hard. if i could die in my sleep tonight, i would. and i'd be so so happy.

yeah it was SI but I also wanted to drown its funny cause I had dreams of my death drowning and jumping

SI is a bitch.

How did it feel in your dream?

 

[Exhausted546]

I chickened out of a method that would of gave me death I was going to jump at a waterfall but when back home

Holy shit that is scary, y'all are brave. The only methods I even consider are the ones I can do from the safety of my bedroom

 

[Realog11]

thank you i'm just so ready to die, i don't think i'm even scared of death anymore (for the most part), it's just the dying process. all the methods require sustaining some level of discomfort and i'm just so scared of that. i also don't want to leave my body looking a mess. it's hard. if i could die in my sleep tonight, i would. and i'd be so so happy.

SI is a bitch.

How did it feel in your dream?

Felt real in my dream the breath and struggling to breathe

 

[unbelievablydead]

Holy shit that is scary, y'all are brave. The only methods I even consider are the ones I can do from the safety of my bedroom

for me, there's something about dying in nature that just feels 'right'... idk. would've been so nice to be gazing up at the night sky before taking my last breath. unfortunately, that was my only shot of doing that method *sigh*

tbh, any attempt at suicide is unbelievably brave imo, you're literally doing something that is completely against your own biology.

 

[Deepdense]

It's difficult to truly want to die. It won't definitively get better or worse but you will have moments that aren't so shitty. I'm not telling you there's a reason to live but there's also no objective reason not to. I hope you have luck in what ever you choose to do.

 

[sanctionedusage]

youre always going to have the option to ctb one way or another, theres no rush or pressure. the only time you wouldn't have the option is right when circumstances do it for you, and even then, all you have to do is sit back and let it happen. we'll all end up in the same place anyway. we can get fixated on a timetable and a date but it doesn't make as much a difference as it does in our head.

that method is about the coolest way to die though, holy shit

 

[unbelievablydead]

youre always going to have the option to ctb one way or another, theres no rush or pressure. the only time you wouldn't have the option is right when circumstances do it for you, and even then, all you have to do is sit back and let it happen. we'll all end up in the same place anyway. we can get fixated on a timetable and a date but it doesn't make as much a difference as it does in our head.

that method is about the coolest way to die though, holy shit

that is very true, the option is always there and in the end, the date doesn't really matter. i guess for me it's both about the symbolism of just not wanting to start another "chapter" so to speak, but also, i have ptsd and so everyday just feels like torture. i just want it to end. unfortunately, there's nothing that really brings me enjoyment/peace anymore, so i'm just waiting to attempt again. getting through each day is unbelievably difficult.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm done too. Nobody can really understand unless they've experienced the same thing. Also just wanted to say it's interesting how many people over the years have said "you'll always have the option to ctb". Anybody could get into an accident and end up a quadrapalegic, good luck doing it then.

 

[voc_89]

i chickened out as well. I was on a maybe 4-6 stories. So i thought honestly that wasn't enough. If i went through with it i would just be handicapped, ostracised (like all over ctb is highly frowned on in my country) and maybe (if the jump was to off and just ended with me being paralysed) living a shell of the life i already do. It happens. DOn't beat yourself up about it. That said, i entered another wave of depression when i chickened out.

"Inner thoughts: Look you so much of a pos u can't even kill yourself properly u 4king coward"

LMAO. It is what it is.

 

[unbelievablydead]

I'm done too. Nobody can really understand unless they've experienced the same thing. Also just wanted to say it's interesting how many people over the years have said "you'll always have the option to ctb". Anybody could get into an accident and end up a quadrapalegic, good luck doing it then.

"nobody can really understand unless they've experienced the same thing" so true! when i was still going to therapy, my therapist truly had no fucking idea. like someone having suicidal thoughts here and there is so different from genuinely WANTING to die more than staying alive. they couldn't wrap their head around it. and yeah, that's true. i guess it depends. at that stage though, i think you'd have a higher chance of being approved for MAID though, no?

 

[sanctionedusage]

I'm done too. Nobody can really understand unless they've experienced the same thing. Also just wanted to say it's interesting how many people over the years have said "you'll always have the option to ctb". Anybody could get into an accident and end up a quadrapalegic, good luck doing it then.

is your only motivation for ctb'ing so that you don't die in another form, or are you just holding onto a strawman to make a piece of advice/consolation invalid?

 

[unbelievablydead]

i chickened out as well. I was on a maybe 4-6 stories. So i thought honestly that wasn't enough. If i went through with it i would just be handicapped, ostracised (like all over ctb is highly frowned on in my country) and maybe (if the jump was to off and just ended with me being paralysed) living a shell of the life i already do. It happens. DOn't beat yourself up about it. That said, i entered another wave of depression when i chickened out.

"Inner thoughts: Look you so much of a pos u can't even kill yourself properly u 4king coward"

LMAO. It is what it is.

oof i completly understand entering that new wave of depression after an attempt. it sucks!!! but, as you said, we can't be hard on ourselves about it. overcoming SI is literally the HARDEST thing ever

that said, i'm glad you didn't attempt with that jump. i don't think the height would've gotten the job done, and you probably would've been worse off. smart move on your end for sure, so pat yourself on the back!

 

[rlllyydepressed]

I chickened out also I was going to jump and didn't I 100% regret it now because I have no money to get back there

 

[unbelievablydead]

I chickened out also I was going to jump and didn't I 100% regret it now because I have no money to get back there

i'm so sorry. that post-failed-attempt regret is very real. i told my nurse at the ward that i regret not going through with it, and she was stunned lmao, totally expected me to say the opposite. i'm sorry you're not being able to try again for financial or logistical reasons. i'm in the same boat and have to look for something else now. but, i want to commend you on still going there, that counts for something. maybe a few months ago, you didn't even think you could make it that far. so, i hope you recognize your own bravery in that light or learn something from the experience that will make it easier the next time, even with a different method.