33 F. Have wanted to ctb since I was 12. As the title reads, throughout the last month I made 3 partial hanging attempts and made 2 full attempts. SI always kicks in, and I was desperate and tried the most recent 2 attempts despite not being home alone. Last attempt would had been successful I imagine, if I didn't panic. SN is not available where I am (Alberta). Don't really know what I'm hoping for with this post. Just alone and waiting to be assessed at the hospital after being involuntarily admitted— want to chat with like-minded folks. I hate it here.
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It's comforting having this space. Before making an account I lurked for a while. This site is the only reason I got any sleep some nights. The pain of constant crisis, trauma, not ever fully feeling at home or that I belong anywhere or in any circles. I've faked being ok for so long. Don't remember the last time I felt real joy. Everyday I wake up I feel this deep sadness that I must get up and fake it through another day. But after years of working through profound burnout and unresolved traumas, the cracks are now too deep. I'm on sick leave from work…something I never thought I'd do. I work 70 hours a week and do the work of others because all I've ever wanted in this life was security. I've never felt it before. I'm so tired. Broken family, broken engagement, and the mask I've worn for so long can no longer be sustained. It's so obvious how broken I am.Welcome to SaSu!
I'm sorry you have to go through this. We're here for you!
Update: finally seen by a doctor. Almost had him convinced I was ok. I lied to the EMS, police, and now the doctor that I did not actually attempt. Made sure to go easy, and brought my laptop to work on a side contract I have, cause like… would I be attempting to ctb if I am currently working peacefully as I wait for the verdict?
I actually work in health research and can be very convincing/disarming (protection mechanisms so that people don't probe).
Though, I heard him relay that I should be allowed to go home to another doc on, and I could make out that she literally replied "I think she's just speaking the language." He then came back and asked for my ex's number to get a 2nd opinion on what happened tonight. Ex is definitely going to tell him that I tried to jump from the loft twice and was almost successful the 2nd time. Fuck.
I actually work in health research and can be very convincing/disarming (protection mechanisms so that people don't probe).
Though, I heard him relay that I should be allowed to go home to another doc on, and I could make out that she literally replied "I think she's just speaking the language." He then came back and asked for my ex's number to get a 2nd opinion on what happened tonight. Ex is definitely going to tell him that I tried to jump from the loft twice and was almost successful the 2nd time. Fuck.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,818
I understand just wanting to be free from it all, it's so dreadful to me how there isn't the option for me to peacefully cease existing that is guaranteed, it's terrifying to me how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to even more suffering, I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.
The social constructs of ctb are so flimsy— can't elect to be here, yet not allowed to elect to leave.
The hospital released me after believing my account over a witness's. I plan to try again tonight when I'm alone.
