trying therapy again

[harmunee]

i'm starting therapy tomorrow. i have assignments that will become overdue. i'll miss hours at work. i'm lucky enough to have my mom to support me but in a way it only makes me feel worse. i feel like a leech. i know i deserve to die. i think god is punishing me and i deserve it, i wish i didn't deserve it but i did it to myself.
i hope therapy works. it never has before. it always felt super fake and only stressed me out more.
i don't want to die but i really think it's time. i don't think i'm gonna make it in this hellish fucking world. there's no fairness here. only death is fair. i don't deserve to be carried on the backs of exhausted angels. i need to do something myself but i just can't. everything is so heavy.

mom said i could come into her room if i need her but i don't want to disturb her anymore. i feel terrible. she deserves a better daughter than my crazy ass. it hurts so much and there's nothing i can do. i'm just about ready to start writing notes but i think i'd feel worse if i actually died right now. it would be selfish of me to put my friends and family through it, and i'm scared. but i'm going to die one day. i want to get it over with so badly. her husband doesn't love me. he's a stranger to me & i to him. it's been this way for 13 years. i never wanted a relationship with him. it's too late for me to try. he only tolerates me because i'm his wife's daughter, he doesn't love me. i wish he did. i always thought he was cool but i'm fucking scared of him. i don't want to be scared but i am.
i'm too scared to live and too scared to die. i don't want to do anything anymore. i'm scared.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you and wish you the best of luck in therapy. I hope your therapist is a good match for you and is helpful. I will warn you about something. I don't know where you live. But I live in the USA and in my state if you tell a therapist that you are going to harm yourself and the therapist feels there is imminent danger that you will hurt yourself soon then that therapist is legally obligated to report it. He or she will contact the sheriff and the patient will be taken to a hospital for evaluation by a psychiatrist. So (in my state), if you tell a therapist you've been thinking of harming yourself frame it that you aren't going to do it right away and you don't have a plan for how you are going to do it.

 

[harmunee]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you and wish you the best of luck in therapy. I hope your therapist is a good match for you and is helpful. I will warn you about something. I don't know where you live. But I live in the USA and in my state if you tell a therapist that you are going to harm yourself and the therapist feels there is imminent danger that you will hurt yourself soon then that therapist is legally obligated to report it. He or she will contact the sheriff and the patient will be taken to a hospital for evaluation by a psychiatrist. So (in my state), if you tell a therapist you've been thinking of harming yourself frame it that you aren't going to do it right away and you don't have a plan for how you are going to do it.

thank you so much for your kind words, i don't have access to a gun and i gave my credit card to my mom yesterday so i couldn't go get one.