Too poor to die yet

[lotus11]

Does anyone here feel in any way like they struggle to afford to die. I have not been able to find a job for nearly a year. I have applied to hundreds of jobs but nothing. I had to leave my life i built abroad cos there were no jobs and i had no money, and return to live with my parents. I am in my mid 30s. I have a horrible relationship with my family and have always been unhappy here they live in the midfle of nowhere i have no friends social life or bf and do not relate to my family - hence why i have tried to build a life far away but its been to hard, i keep falling down, no money, no opportunities cant afford a proper place to live etc. As i have always hated this place from the pits of my soul my only non negociable for being able to kill myself is being far away from here, in another country in a hotel probably so i can be alone and comfortable. I just need to feel free and have a different energy before i die. Feel some sort of freedom away from here. But without any job and no money it just seems impossible to get away and die. I am so impatient.Can anyone else relate to this?

 

[Shiitake]

I feel for you, im just wondering, was your toughts when moving abroad to get money for ctb? or was it just you got thrown into such a bad situaiton with your family that its your current thoughts now?

 

[lotus11]

No ive lived abroad for the last 10 years...in an attempt to have a better life. My life was better in the new location, but but also realistically to difficult to be able to live long term die to visas, language, money, lack of work opportunities etc it became too hard. So atm i am stuck back in the place i hate but when i have one day managed to work and make money to leave again i will kill myself but unfortunately it has already been nearly a year jobless. I do have a chance to get out for a few days and back for a friends wedding but if i killed myself during the days of her wedding it would ruin their wedding and i feel like that would be evil of me, so unfortunately think i will have to wait again.