I've mostly been repressing how I feel to my family and to my non-close friends I hang out with every now and then. When I'm alone I feel like a saggy bag of mush because I don't really have a way to regulate how I feel. If I tried to hookup with someone the way I am now I think I would start crying because I wouldn't want them to leave me.
These feelings don't make me any better than anyone. I have just have them. I'm not important just because I'm so sad that I want to kill myself. I don't know if it matters whether I die or not, since I can't tell anyone around me how I feel either way. I'll end up dying feeling like this because there isn't anyone that would want to listen to someone talk about how suicidal and worthless they feel. The 988 hotline will just tell me they'll listen to me, but they won't care either. I don't have any hope for recovery since I think I'm just going to be a deadbeat that doesn't have enough motivation to continue college. I'm just a useless 20 year old trans liberal loser with no redeeming qualities. It's all just so tiring and everyone I know seems better than me. They have problems but they don't want to kill themselves because they think their life will get better, but I don't, and that's my fault because I'm not trying hard enough or something.
I shouldn't be so sad. I don't know why I am. I just don't see a point in anything anymore. I miss my friend a lot but if I talk to him I'll tell him I'm going to kill myself and then he'll report me again, then I'll just get stuck in the hospital and burden my parents. The hospital doesn't help and medication doesn't help. They throw you out of the hospital after a week because they don't have enough room for you. I didn't get a therapist and I didn't get any medication after I was let out. I didn't get therapy while I was in the psych ward either. I was stuck in emergency psych ward of a hospital for most of my stay since the other hospitals didn't want to take me. I want to run away from home, but I don't have enough money and I don't have a car, so it's not like that would actually do anything besides make things worse. I know my mom doesn't care about me, so she would like it if I stopped leeching on her and just moved out. Even though that's financially impossible for me.
Suicide's just the only thing that'll make the pain and loneliness stop. I'm not wanted by anyone. I have no one to go to. People wouldn't want me to actually open up to them and if they did they would just be forced to listen to me until I stopped talking, then they would go do something else. Venting doesn't help me because no one understands me no matter because my problems seem so abstract to them, even though I'm just lonely and have no independence from my parents. I feel so whiny and stupid. It seems like none of my problems matter at all. My friend thinks I'm melodramatic for being so easily depressed, but he just doesn't see things the way I do because things have always been the same for me. I've always thought that I'm never going to have a future as long as I keeping rely on my parents. Money is the thing my mom's valued more than me since I was born. If someone asked to buy me, she would take the money. She always needs more money. I don't think she's ever wanted me as a daughter. If I was born a man, she would like me more. She hates women because she thinks men are better than them. I'm worried that I was just born wrong from the start.
I've mostly been repressing how I feel to my family and to my non-close friends I hang out with every now and then. When I'm alone I feel like a saggy bag of mush because I don't really have a way to regulate how I feel. If I tried to hookup with someone the way I am now I think I would start crying because I wouldn't want them to leave me.
These feelings don't make me any better than anyone. I have just have them. I'm not important just because I'm so sad that I want to kill myself. I don't know if it matters whether I die or not, since I can't tell anyone around me how I feel either way. I'll end up dying feeling like this because there isn't anyone that would want to listen to someone talk about how suicidal and worthless they feel. The 988 hotline will just tell me they'll listen to me, but they won't care either. I don't have any hope for recovery since I think I'm just going to be a deadbeat that doesn't have enough motivation to continue college. I'm just a useless 20 year old trans liberal loser with no redeeming qualities. It's all just so tiring and everyone I know seems better than me. They have problems but they don't want to kill themselves because they think their life will get better, but I don't, and that's my fault because I'm not trying hard enough or something.
I shouldn't be so sad. I don't know why I am. I just don't see a point in anything anymore. I miss my friend a lot but if I talk to him I'll tell him I'm going to kill myself and then he'll report me again, then I'll just get stuck in the hospital and burden my parents. The hospital doesn't help and medication doesn't help. They throw you out of the hospital after a week because they don't have enough room for you. I didn't get a therapist and I didn't get any medication after I was let out. I didn't get therapy while I was in the psych ward either. I was stuck in emergency psych ward of a hospital for most of my stay since the other hospitals didn't want to take me. I want to run away from home, but I don't have enough money and I don't have a car, so it's not like that would actually do anything besides make things worse. I know my mom doesn't care about me, so she would like it if I stopped leeching on her and just moved out. Even though that's financially impossible for me.
Suicide's just the only thing that'll make the pain and loneliness stop. I'm not wanted by anyone. I have no one to go to. People wouldn't want me to actually open up to them and if they did they would just be forced to listen to me until I stopped talking, then they would go do something else. Venting doesn't help me because no one understands me no matter because my problems seem so abstract to them, even though I'm just lonely and have no independence from my parents. I feel so whiny and stupid. It seems like none of my problems matter at all. My friend thinks I'm melodramatic for being so easily depressed, but he just doesn't see things the way I do because things have always been the same for me. I've always thought that I'm never going to have a future as long as I keeping rely on my parents. Money is the thing my mom's valued more than me since I was born. If someone asked to buy me, she would take the money. She always needs more money. I don't think she's ever wanted me as a daughter. If I was born a man, she would like me more. She hates women because she thinks men are better than them. I'm worried that I was just born wrong from the start.
Hi monet. I cannot picture what deep desperation u're in. Yet im glad this forum could still give u some will and bravery to share these.
Not intent to neglect u but I don't have the best availability at the moment. So I'll make it brief. Your emotions are an existing and internally justified part of yourself. And it's not that you're overly emotional, but rather that ppl around u are somewhat out of touch, which is making u feel this constant loneliness. Being emotional is not a curse and I'm for one would love hearing u out <3 Maybe in this way i could make venting more useful for u.
(update a bit later) (Excuse my writing style being somewhat messy. I typed it on a metro and pasted it here :) )
(And okay this is no longer brief)
U are no loser to me. u've shown great bravery in seeking mental well-being and independence. And i can relate to how being gagged from telling what u really feel could raise a sense of failure. Anyway "thanks to" our fast-paced society and lack of social agent you could be, given your mentally-distressed situation, there are little chance of pouring out every piece of emotions and thoughts all at once and hoping sth. or smone. would catch and handle them for u. Yet maybe, I'm suggesting a possibility (you could be traumatized by the word possibility bc it's usually followed by mundane and cliche "positive talk", but trust me plz it's not gonna happen this time <3, I mean it in an objective and non-judgemental way) that u could break down your thoughts and gradually release those unsettling energy, in a way not so sudden that it would not make an alarm immediately going off. I'll share my idea on this and see if we can compare note.
U wanna die and u want your thoughts heard, in an explicit way, so it makes u go easier on yourself. This is totally legit. And totally fine on sasu bc it has a, if not the, best tolerance for this kind of explicit language, and is guaranteed not to trigger defensive mechanisms of any kind. Yet the general social circumstances, say your distant friends and family, sadly aren't gonna tolerate that much. I'm not suggesting it's your problem, for I could deeply relate to this through similar experiences with my family myself (fuck this). Truly frustratingly the alarms in their head often could go off bc they cannot handle what I convey through your words all at once.
Alternatively if one would like break things down, by making a list of specifics behind thoughts about death. Like u've mentioned, u have great uncertainty about your future plans, and u're pummeled by your terrible hospital experiences, etc. When conveying your thoughts, dropping the things on the list out once at a time will reduce the likelihood of meeting with resistance. (Say, "I fear of my future." sounds still a bit "gloomy, but is way more acceptable for normies than "I want to kill myself.") I guess that counts as what u refer to as "regulating your emotions".
Also I often seek ways to normalize sorrow and pain. I once quite "enjoyed" watching tragic horror movies, and listen to emotional music, bc it gave me a socially acceptable way to show sadness and hopelessness. (As a reason for that, a fictional or artistic tragic stories is less prone to judgement than a true story of myself) Also I still remember going to a cemetery, mourning for my passed away grand-parents. I'm still saddened by their demise to today but the trip to their cemetery was positive to my mental condition overall. I think it's bc i had access to a place where discussion about death is safe.
There is also this experience, at a performing art workshop hosted by a mental wellness place... On that day I dressed as a poor man who tragically lost his loved one. It took me a while to immerse myself into the drama but as soon as I memorized all my lines my expressions and tears would really flow naturally and even made the social worker doubt if I was some kinda professional lol. Although the drama's settings of sadness don't exactly align with mine, there could be a common factor. (Allow me to stray a bit from the topic... I do have problems with intimate relationships but it's different. and I have more sadness over being unable to pursue a study and a career due to mental deviation. But I could always factorize a portion of performance to align with that of my own) These demonstrations of my feelings merely scratch the surface, but is already much more than nothing. Interestingly, we always refer to the act of posing as normal and masking emotions as "acting", yet I stunned to discover that the true acting itself requires something that aren't totally fake, but are based on authentic emotions. It's how a true actor learns about the part he plays. So i thought, why not learn about it if I decide to "act" all the time. Masking and showing of emotions could walk hand-in-hand.
So... I kind of developed this semi-masking-semi-revealing emotional strategy. Can be done with less social risks and costs. It could really take away lots of emotional pressure from me over time, while doubles as a way I understand myself too.
Edit ( an hour later):
I think u're very creative with that afterlife fantasy. and poetic too. I love your writing tbh. I'm so glad it could possibly make u heard. Take care, mate <3
