Venting Told my family I want to die

[Ariel1]

I finally did it! Tonight I told my husband and parents that if things with my health don't improve I won't be around much longer. It's kind of a long story but I have multiple health conditions (one of which is disfiguring) and I never leave my house. I'm in pain and depressed and just sick of hiding at home waiting for things to get better. Like many people my age, it's too expensive to own my own home (especially since i cant work), but my husband and I are lucky enough that my parents are amazing. We're intergenerational living and plan to take care of them so that they never need to go in an old folks home. Unfortunately, if I ctb I won't be able to help them when they end up needing it and that makes me feel guilty. Anyways, I was looking into pegasos and other swiss options and tonight at dinner I thought I need to tell them. I don't want them to move into a new home and then I ctb. It would be much worse for them. Also, I'm never left alone long enough to do it, and if I wanted to go to Switzerland they would definitely need to know. So I told them. We all had a big cry. I feel horrible for hurting everyone. My mom thinks she can fix it. I wish she could. I'll let her have hope, even though hope can be a painful thing. I've pretty much given up hope. Maybe there'll be some miraculous clinical trial, but I don't have the strength to be hopeful even tbough i still want to have hope. I'm the kind of person that has to do, act, strive, hope - so it's hard to just give up, but it's also hard to get your hopes up and be let down I've already tried everything in my power and it doesn't seem like there's an easy way out. There's just so much stacked against me and I'm tired. So while switzerland would be a lot of money and work (documentation) and not guaranteed (still need to be appproved), it'd better than rotting away in my house or attempting a painful or unsuccessful suicide in some hotel. It sucks that I have to hurt such beautiful people and I think I'll probably go to hell for it, but I'm kind of living in hell already. Even though that's not entirely true, I have so much and should be grateful, but no matter what I have, my truth is that it feels like the barriers I face are too much for me to bare. So thats it, thats where I stand. Relieved, guilty, puffy from crying, sad, frustrated, afraid to hope and resigned to die.

 

[Worndown]

When some speak of cowardice, this was the absolute opposite.
You did the second hardest thing, came out on a taboo subject.
I hope some miracle provides the cures you need.
If not, I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

 

[Ariel1]

When some speak of cowardice, this was the absolute opposite.
You did the second hardest thing, came out on a taboo subject.
I hope some miracle provides the cures you need.
If not, I hope you can find the peace you deserve.

Thank you. It was difficult. I feel awful and guilty but I guess they would be hurt either way, either now or after I'm dead.

 

[tormentedhusk]

I admire your bravery

 

[ringo99]

A bit envious that your family's so understanding. Mine would have a complete psychotic meltdown. My family's NOT a safe place to express your fears

 

[Ariel1]

A bit envious that your family's so understanding. Mine would have a complete psychotic meltdown. My family's NOT a safe place to express your fears

I'm sorry to hear that. Honestly, I think my mom wanted to have a meltdown but she still thinks there's hope, she's clinging to it. I didn't just say I'm going to switzerland tomorrow to die. I started with, if things don't get better I won't be here much longer. Then I mentioned switzerland and we got into it more. But I'm pretty sure she chose to hear that if things get better it'll be fine and so she's going to do everything she can to make it better. Unfortunately, its not that easy. QMy dad just shut down. He couldn't even be in the room when we put my cat to sleep. I don't think he can process this. I kind of regret saying anything now. It's kind of like talking to your parents abouts sex, I'm embarassed/ashamed now that I've had time to reflect on it. But I guess it needed to be done.
My husband has known about my feelings for a few years but before it was more of a hypothetical "if things get worse" and now it's becoming more real, which is hard for him. He doesn't want me to suffer but I know it hurts him. It sucks to hurt the people you love.
I hope you can express your fears safely to someone, even if not your family.

 

[gifted.pumpkin]

I can't even imagine how difficult it was for you! Do not give up yet though until you hear the verdict. Your family of course will do everything they can to help you, I'm sure they understand how you feel. So sorry for your difficulties and wishing you all the best!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Life is often so unfair. You're so brave!

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired, it really sounds like you've suffered so much in this cruel existence, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I wish you the best.

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

I personally dont think family should know about it, you'll only burden them with it, and they WILL resent you for it. I will CTB like a thief in the night when my family least expects it.

Most people can't be bothered with your struggles; they have their own. People also dislike being around others with negative energy, it repels them.