Today may have been my last day.

[The_screaming_dawn]

Tomorrow I hear back from my university appeal. If I dont get another semester I can no longer exist. It's really that simple. My family pushes me to higher education constantly. To function in society. To have a partner, to exist normally. I like existence. I have finally found three friends that I want to exist for. To protect from the horrors of various things that have been done to myself that I do not wish for them to be haunted by.
I exist as a ghost most days unless I am with one of them. I finally saw the light after a while, want to exist.
But I refuse to become another black sheep in my family.
I don't want to ctb. I honestly can say that, but this appeal is more or less it.
I am afraid, honestly of what comes after.
I have set up therapy appointments, have a plan to get tested for PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety, and of course Depression to make my mind a little more bearable. But the fog that exists is suffocating me. I try to function, and I do not. I have been a ghost for almost six years. I finally was placed on some medication that helped. That eased it, and I was functioning. I was getting better in school. I was doing well. Then the supposed PTSD got triggered and sent me into a spiral that I have not climbed out of yet. Thanksgiving. When I said I was stressed. When I said I was worried about not succeeding and my partner decided to trigger it.
"I forgot you were drunk. I wanted to please you. Im sorry! Im insecure about myself because you figured out you didn't like it and we havent done it in a while!"

Bullshit. It's all bullshit. I finally wanted to be here and it was ruined. The fourth fucking person that's done this.
I have no other escape from the shit show that will impart itself onto me if this appeal does not get approved.
Such bullshit.

 

[Jadeith]

I dont get another semester I can no longer exist

That's not true. You can. The difference is that your existence will be vastly different from what you envisioned. Probably more brutal too. But still possible.

I have finally found three friends that I want to exist for.

And if these are REAL friends, they want you to exist too, no matter what university says

I am afraid, honestly of what comes after.

For you? Nothing. And i mean literally NOTHING. At least it won't be anything that makes possible to experience or influence the world you just left behind.
For those around you? Lifetime of sadness, regrets, what ifs, wondering and overthinking what they did wrong and what they could do to stop you. Provided of course they really care about you.

I try to function, and I do not.

Good thing is, you are aware that you require help (a professional one, not just some rando on suicide forum) and you actively seek it. Bad thing is that even best help can be at least partially undone by unfortunate trigger, intentional or not. That's the problem with mental issues, they are fuckin' grenades with combination lock and fate is a monkey with a stick, constantly banging on it. Therapy and meds might get the combination longer and more difficult but there's still a chance that some random stuff might set you off to some degree. Yes, it's painful but yes, knowing that you might go off, you can prepare some contingency plans for you, your fam and friends. Not going to say it gonna be easy but definitely possible.

Take care, you got this. With or without university.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I think you can climb out if this. It won't be easy, but you like existing, so if you can find a way forward, it will be worth the effort.

 

[InevitableDeath]

You go your own way. Don't base YOUR decision on the advice of anyone here, me included.

And ESPECIALLY not stalking Prolifer MH Industry pros who are infesting SaSu these days.

This is a pro choice suicide forum, so it would really great if posters here could remember that, or mods could clarify why... Good thing is, you are aware that you require help (a professional one..... in the post above is permitted as if this is some inane wellness site - the whole internet exists for that.

The truth is professional MH help is a lottery with VERY bad odds. The majority of MH Industry "help" will make you more likely to die, or have your life ruined by a label that they place on you or pills that they foist on you.

They want good little consumer/slaves, anyone else is exiled or demeaned.

You are being told what to by people WHO ARE NOT YOU AND DO NOT KNOW YOU.

You know you.

You are on your own. Everybody will betray you in the end. You have yourself. Do not listen to all these cunts with ulterior motives, who are all deluding themselves society cares, and they matter and money is everything.

Sounds hard and it is. I had to learn the hard way. You do you. Fuck everyone else. They will drag you down to their scum idiot level and beat you with experience.

Question everything. They have no answers. Only fucking lies