Today I had a terrible panic attack, it was a terrible day

[Terrible_Life]

I had a terrible panic attack today…. :(
My mental illness especially ocd got triggered probably because of new year eve it reminded me about how long now i am suffering and being a failure. Seeing all these people in social media tv etc how they celebrate etc it all kinda made me realize they all have a life they all have purpose in their life reasons why they're happy for another year….
I also got very nervous realizing its now January and i wanna ctb in this month….

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm sorry to hear about your panic attack. I can relate. I hate this holiday because it reminds me of what you said. I hope you can find a way to relax.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I'm sorry to hear about your panic attack. I can relate. I hate this holiday because it reminds me of what you said. I hope you can find a way to relax.

Are you also afraid that you will never ctb and will be here on new year 2026 2027 2028…..
Just the thought about this makes me so anxious and also exhausted:(
I think I have no other choice now I must force myself to ctb . I tried everything and it didn't work.
I also hate that this shit si wants to manipulate me it wants to make me think that there might be some light left which isn't true . No therapy whatsoever could heal me fully and make the life possible for me the life i could have had if my shit family weren't so stupid. No instead after all this therapy which would be an unfair exhausting work i'd maybe have a semi sovereign shit life depending on help living way below what i actually could have had if my family didn't destroy it . I'd rather die than live like that.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Are you also afraid that you will never ctb and will be here on new year 2026 2027 2028…..
Just the thought about this makes me so anxious and also exhausted:(
I think I have no other choice now I must force myself to ctb . I tried everything and it didn't work.
I also hate that this shit si wants to manipulate me it wants to make me think that there might be some light left which isn't true . No therapy whatsoever could heal me fully and make the life possible for me the life i could have had if my shit family weren't so stupid. No instead after all this therapy which would be an unfair exhausting work i'd maybe have a semi sovereign shit life depending on help living way below what i actually could have had if my family didn't destroy it . I'd rather die than live like that.

I am also afraid that I won't be able to ctb soon. or ever. I really need to soon, and it's terrifying to think I'll be here for the next years. I'm sorry it makes you anxious to think this.
I also hate the feeling that there could be hope. I go to many group and individual therapies and they're just deluding me into thinking there's hope and making it harder for me to ctb. I'm sorry you didn't get the life you wanted. I hope you can overcome the si. I hope you don't have to suffer anymore.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I am also afraid that I won't be able to ctb soon. or ever. I really need to soon, and it's terrifying to think I'll be here for the next years. I'm sorry it makes you anxious to think this.
I also hate the feeling that there could be hope. I go to many group and individual therapies and they're just deluding me into thinking there's hope and making it harder for me to ctb. I'm sorry you didn't get the life you wanted. I hope you can overcome the si. I hope you don't have to suffer anymore.

What are those therapists telling you? In my case they'll probably tell the same phrases that its unfair but i have to accept the unfairness and find happiness with the little i have left that i have to work on my mental illnesses etc but i think no fuck that shit I couldn't prevent the damages done by my family on me so why should i work so hard now on all these damages causes by them after my whole existence was painful and sad? Also i know what therapy can do and what not and they can't heal me 100% and give me the life i could have had if my shit family were normal people all that therapy would do would be to accept that i am ill work hard on my mental illnesses and live a low quality cripple life way below the living standard of a healthy person and i would probably maybe just work part time in a meaningless shit job that would constantly remind me on what a failure i am and who brought me to this point….
So i don't want to live like this its a nightmare and i don't want hospital/therapy then the only thing that can stop this suffering and in general this sad empty tragic rotten life would be suicide. I want to die in January by full hanging, how can i achieve this goal? How can I do the only logical step and end this senseless painful existence? This is the big question unfortunately…

 

[maylurker]

I had a terrible panic attack today…. :(
My mental illness especially ocd got triggered probably because of new year eve it reminded me about how long now i am suffering and being a failure. Seeing all these people in social media tv etc how they celebrate etc it all kinda made me realize they all have a life they all have purpose in their life reasons why they're happy for another year….
I also got very nervous realizing its now January and i wanna ctb in this month….

thats literally me. i suffer from gad and panic attacks is almost every single day thing. annoying but tranquilizers really help

 

[Terrible_Life]

thats literally me. i suffer from gad and panic attacks is almost every single day thing. annoying but tranquilizers really help

I don't use any meds ….. that's a long stretch actually but yeah I am a mental ill person who doesn't take any meds who doesn't have a therapist…..I tried it all and it led to so many horrible moments in my life.

 

[maylurker]

I tried it all and it led to so many horrible moments in my life.

is it that bad? im scared of the therapy for the same thing

 

[Terrible_Life]

is it that bad? im scared of the therapy for the same thing

I don't know your case and in general how far the mental illnesses already did occupy your mind and dominate your day if its not too strong I'd definitely recommend try it maybe the therapy might help you so much that you'll be healed at least healed enough to take part in life to have a functioning social life and a functioning career. I'd do everything even walking on fire or being punched in the stomach by mike tyson just to at least for one day experience the functioning happy fulfilled life i was robbed by my shit family. I'd love to see that version of myself the person I could have become the person who could have fully focus on his goals who could have deepened his interests in all kind of things and get more and more knowledge. I'd be curious who I could've been with what kind of people i would have been. I think my partner would have been a very friendly girl who would've been like the sun, warm and beautiful and I'd be thankful for every second with her and tried my best to help her and be there for her.
Unfortunately none of this things are possible for me because of all the damages/deficits i got thanks to my stupid family and their mistakes done on me. Mistakes which had very fatal consequences. Mistakes that could've been avoided by them if they would have used common sense…..

 

[kunikuzushi]

What are those therapists telling you? In my case they'll probably tell the same phrases that its unfair but i have to accept the unfairness and find happiness with the little i have left that i have to work on my mental illnesses etc but i think no fuck that shit I couldn't prevent the damages done by my family on me so why should i work so hard now on all these damages causes by them after my whole existence was painful and sad? Also i know what therapy can do and what not and they can't heal me 100% and give me the life i could have had if my shit family were normal people all that therapy would do would be to accept that i am ill work hard on my mental illnesses and live a low quality cripple life way below the living standard of a healthy person and i would probably maybe just work part time in a meaningless shit job that would constantly remind me on what a failure i am and who brought me to this point….
So i don't want to live like this its a nightmare and i don't want hospital/therapy then the only thing that can stop this suffering and in general this sad empty tragic rotten life would be suicide. I want to die in January by full hanging, how can i achieve this goal? How can I do the only logical step and end this senseless painful existence? This is the big question unfortunately…

they say things like "do activities even if you don't feel like it and you'll see your mood improve." hell no ive been trying to "do activities" since my earliest memory and I enjoy nothing. i can't enjoy things or feel positive emotions from anything. I tell them this and they call it a "cognitive distortion." anything negative i say is a cognitive distortion to them. and my daily homework is to change my "harmful" thoughts to "helpful" thoughts. fuck that. thinking that life is suffering and that dying would be the best solution for me is not harmful or a cognitive distortion. it's logic.

anyway I'm sorry again you're in so much pain.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Last night I was looking at some live videos which were simply web cams or from regular people just walking around Times Square NYC. In other words, not the fancy corporate presentations. It was incredibly boring to see what actually happens behind the scenes of a professional presentation of a performance. Don't be fooled by what is shown on a screen. The reality around and behind it, is just plain boring awkward imperfect life as usual. Same goes on for social media. Largely fake, phony, not what it appears to be.