Tips for dealing with guilt?

[nomoredolor]

I recently attempted and scared my friends and family very badly. They felt betrayed, hurt, terrified and angry. They have asked or begged me not to do it again.

I have been blessed with many people that care for me and I care for them.

However I cannot stay.

And now my sister/best friend is pregnant with her first child. The guilt is debilitating. I think this decision makes me a bad person? But I don't think other people who Ctb are bad so idk double standard.

I need to end my life because I simply cannot take anymore and it's 100% a protection mechanism from further suffering. However I know I'll be displacing that suffering onto my loved ones. Pragmatically there is less suffering if I stay alive because I'm the only one who keeps suffering. But my time has come and I cannot bear more pain.

Any tips on dealing with the guilt? Feel free to share your story.
Anna

 

[Sutter]

Evening Anna, a name for a name, Chris.

There will be some…upset people when I go, there can be a reasoning that you have already mentioned, them for you.

Seems a fair trade but as always its in the details. Even if a person stays for others is that a life anyone would want for a loved one? Some would say yes, but as love would say, a want is not enough. I love my daughters, would want them to have a better life than mine, more kindness and to find a love that grows around them, slowly everyday. Even as a parent, if my daughters were at a place where no light could be found and looked at me with enough is enough, there would be some very buff manly crying and more hugs than any person would want in a lifetime but even when they were little they weren't just kids to me, they were little people showing slowly who they were as they found out.

Love is a fickle creature and darts about at times. I wouldnt wish a life of no joy on them for the sake of my own wants. That being said, I know their eyes see a different view when they look at me, they would want me around if nothing more than to glance at me as they go about worrying a day. In a way its a long goodbye that brings guilt in this regard but Im not so sure its guilt as much as love surrounding you and them. Either path is a grace, live for them or pass on to spare your own suffering, question is looking hard at your own self what do you need, not want.

Guilt is a name given to love when its fickle and surrounds us all, would a person feel guilty if they didnt love another or themselves…hard place to be but also the best.

Not the reply you may have been hoping for but some answers are only found in your own heart.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Hi Anna,

It is really, really common to feel guilty after a suicide attempt. I do not think you are a bad person for attempting to take your life. Otherwise, a lot of us would be considered bad people. Our minds just like to find ways to stress ourselves out. Perks of mental illness.

I also just read another post you wrote. I'm so sorry you've gone through so much. I can't even imagine what your life has been like. I wish I had a solution to fix your problems. I just want you to know all your struggles are valid, and other people not understanding what you're going through does not mean you are not going through it. I hope eventually you're able to receive the help you deserve. Because you do deserve to live a happy life.

 

[death_bed221]

Don't feel bad. U have to right to live or not live. Its ur choice at the end of the day

 

[nomoredolor]

Evening Anna, a name for a name, Chris.

There will be some…upset people when I go, there can be a reasoning that you have already mentioned, them for you.

Seems a fair trade but as always its in the details. Even if a person stays for others is that a life anyone would want for a loved one? Some would say yes, but as love would say, a want is not enough. I love my daughters, would want them to have a better life than mine, more kindness and to find a love that grows around them, slowly everyday. Even as a parent, if my daughters were at a place where no light could be found and looked at me with enough is enough, there would be some very buff manly crying and more hugs than any person would want in a lifetime but even when they were little they weren't just kids to me, they were little people showing slowly who they were as they found out.

Love is a fickle creature and darts about at times. I wouldnt wish a life of no joy on them for the sake of my own wants. That being said, I know their eyes see a different view when they look at me, they would want me around if nothing more than to glance at me as they go about worrying a day. In a way its a long goodbye that brings guilt in this regard but Im not so sure its guilt as much as love surrounding you and them. Either path is a grace, live for them or pass on to spare your own suffering, question is looking hard at your own self what do you need, not want.

Guilt is a name given to love when its fickle and surrounds us all, would a person feel guilty if they didnt love another or themselves…hard place to be but also the best.

Not the reply you may have been hoping for but some answers are only found in your own heart.

I've been ruminating on all of this and I appreciate your input Chris. And your personal thoughts around your own demise and interactions with your daughters. I agree that the answer has to come from within unfortunately. I will continue to consider. I find myself with resolve to complete my plan to die in February and then I feel such joy and relief and peace about it. Then as I interact with my loved ones and they beg me not to try to kill myself again and put in so much effort to keep me alive my resolve weakens. And I feel hopeless and trapped again. It truly is not a question of if but when. And I'll remember that each additional day I stay is a gift to from me to them even tho I will be taking my life before too long. They keep making plans with me too like a concert in May or a tv show coming out in the fall. I agree to the plans to make them feel better but I know in my heart I plan to be gone by then. Thank you again
Anna

Hi Anna,

It is really, really common to feel guilty after a suicide attempt. I do not think you are a bad person for attempting to take your life. Otherwise, a lot of us would be considered bad people. Our minds just like to find ways to stress ourselves out. Perks of mental illness.

I also just read another post you wrote. I'm so sorry you've gone through so much. I can't even imagine what your life has been like. I wish I had a solution to fix your problems. I just want you to know all your struggles are valid, and other people not understanding what you're going through does not mean you are not going through it. I hope eventually you're able to receive the help you deserve. Because you do deserve to live a happy life.

thank you so much I appreciate all your kind sentiments and taking the time to express your dismay at my life struggles.

Don't feel bad. U have to right to live or not live. Its ur choice at the end of the day

I truly wish I could turn it on and off. I definitely would already be at peace! But I can keep telling myself this until I believe it.

 

[Edu Ardanuy]

Pragmatically there is less suffering if I stay alive because I'm the only one who keeps suffering.

I feel that way too. And I'm sorry that a handful of people might suffer because of my final act.

 

[nomoredolor]

I feel that way too. And I'm sorry that a handful of people might suffer because of my final act.

Me too I wish we could die without hurting them.