Venting thought i regained life purpose, but it too is gone

[CannabisMuncher]

to preface, im queer. i already face alot of negativity around me and get told harmful things often, as well as it making relationships harder to come by.

i believe my current partner of six months wants to split ways. this hurts alot because all of this negativity started when they asked if it was ok to make our relationship polyamorous and ask out a friend of theirs. i tried really hard to feel comfortable with the idea, but i didnt, and told them no. they understood and never crossed those boundaries.

lately theyve been talking with that person more. setting discord statuses to "dni except for (so and so person)"

it hurt me alot, and i knew it was just them being really close, and i have proof no cheating occured, but still being ignored for someone else hurt.

they asked if i wanted to just be friends. my heart shattered.

i knew a polyamorous person and monogamous person can sometimes not have a fulfilling relationship but. im not sure thats even the reason. regardless of, while i care about them a ton, and would love to stay in touch with them, i dont think i could handle it. it wouldnt be a good idea.

none of my interest spark emotion to me either. all ive felt is lonliness, jealousy, and numbness lately.

id like to say, please dont speak ill of my partner ( as im not sure what we are rn ) in the replies, i think they did some things poorly but i know intent to hurt was not there.

i feel like if i say i have no more purpose itd be like guilt tripping them to stay, which is wrong and not what i want at all. but i genuinely feel like nothing without them. i havent replied to them yet. we both go to different colleges but met at the same highschool.

i honestly dont want to live anymore, obviously. why else would i be here, afterall?

but im not sure what to do. id love to recover and be happy living if possible.. but i dont think it is. most methods are either not possible for me in my current situation or far too painful or hard to go through with, so i feel like im stuck. i know catching the bus would hurt them, which i dont want of course, but i know theyd understand. its normal to not want someone you care about to die, but i know they wouldnt shun me for it nor act a savior. theyd ask me not to and if i dont listen then thats that and they would understand.

i dont want to have to resort to it, but ive been suffering si for some time
i have no access to the drugs that once kept me afloat anymore and i dont care much about many other people enough to keep going.


i don't necessarily need advice but i would just like some sort of acknowledgement that im here and struggling. sympathy if thats something you feel for people, but not required.

even just viewing this by itself, not replying still means something to me. that someone was curious or cared. so. thank you.

ik its kinda shitty and sappy but. its a little snippit of what im feeling.

 

[meemee]

You should give some time to yourself. Reading your post, it seems that you dedicate yourself so much to your partner. Whether they care about you or not, try prioritizing yourself first. Yes, they are everything to you, but what about you? You are worth more than settling for a relationship that does not consider your feelings.

 

[mangoastronaut]

I second what meemee said. don't ctb over some person, even if they meant a lot to you. I just started reading "The Ethical Slut" and it is very difficult for a monogamous and polyamorous person to have a fulfilling relationship. Not impossible, but a lot of attention and work needs to be done.

I get it, though. Sometimes you just really REALLY love someone, care so much about them, and want them in your life. Love, though, is sometimes not enough. Sometimes love doesn't bridge your differences.

When love is something you can find with someone else, it's not worth ctbing yourself over someone you found love with. Keep going, you will find someone more compatible with your monogamy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It sounds like such a difficult situation to be in. I can understand that you want to try and respect what your partner needs but yeah, I don't think I could cope with that either. I wish there was a simple answer but, I imagine it could continue to be hurtful to you to try to get this to work.

Regarding CTB, it must feel really awful at the moment. I agree with others, that the hope is you could meet someone with your monogamous views in future. Probably best to establish that early in to the relationship. But, it has to be up to you really- whether you are willing to keep putting yourself through that. Obviously, that's going to feel harder when your loyalties/ love is still focussed on this person.

 

[CannabisMuncher]

thank you guys in the replies for your support. it means alot to hear