Venting This is probably my last 12 months

[Cauliflour]

It's a weird thought, being young and yet realising you're not gonna make it to your 30s. Hell not even your mid 20s! I don't want to elaborate much for the sake of privacy but young adulthood freaks me out. I can't deal with being a legal adult, having to think about taxes, bills, finding a job in a time where nobody wants you all while inevitably disappointing your parents who spent all this money on you and you still get shit grades cause you're an idiot. I have my entire life's worth on 1 thing currently and if that doesn't turn out the way I hope next year (which is probably won't cause I'll inevitably mess it up) then I really don't see how I could manage through life. I'm quite pathetic, resorting to the thought of suicide before I even get really fucked mental health like it's only slightly fucked I think but it's been on a downwards spiral this year to the point where I'm just waiting for my inevitable crash and prompt trip to the mental hospital where I'll waste my young adulthood being pumped full of drugs and being forced to answer questions I'm not wired to answer properly. This world is just too complicated for me. I can't handle being chucked into it with barely any preparation but knowing that if I fuck up now, it's gonna remain with me for the rest of my life.

It's a shame though as I really want to be famous and have a long legacy to make sticking around worth it but realistically I think all my legacy will be is this website. Maybe a YouTuber will make a video on me after I die like what they do with 4Chan anons...It's hard to digest that fact but I think I'll warm up to it. I won't finish my game, I won't lose my virginity or ever get a girlfriend and I'll just be another pretty young woman for the news to cry about and go "we could've helped her!" when realistically, nobody can fix me. And this isn't some edgy emo bullshit, I literally have a diagnosis for R-word brain, I'll never be able to live properly in this world cause it's just in my DNA to be an idiot.
...Don't take that the wrong way I'm just speaking personally not generally.

I like the idea of hanging/suffocation. Whenever I daydream about killing myself I see myself hanging while stabbing myself or like just stabbing myself but I can't even break an artery on my arm so I'm too much of a wuss to stab myself to death. Jumping off a tall building is also a cool idea and my attention whore brain would be happy but idk how I would actually get up there and I would just be too paranoid to pull it off.

I'm probably the most pathetic person on this website. I've had it all handed to me and yet I still go and fuck it up. And these people have the audacity to lie to my face and call me "intelligent" and "bright" while they know damn well I'm a failure who can't even introduce herself properly regardless of social context. If you can't do socialising right and you can't do anything productive right then what's the point. These people want to make me feel special even know I know I'm just another whiny white girl who tried to kill herself over the thought of having to inevitably deal with responsibility. I complain about autism infantilisation and yet I act and think like a toddler who can't do shit for themselves. I'm terrible for the autism community, I'm terrible for my parents' health and wallets and I'm terrible on every single fucking social media I'm on cause I just start whining like this one meme:

I should just shut the fuck up but I think I physically can't cause I keep trying to self sabotage myself when I know exactly what's gonna happen if I tell someone. And what's really annoying is how I can't openly admit that I'm a horrible person cause then people will think I'm like attention seeking (because I am) and that I don't actually mean it (I very much mean it) cause I'm just edgy or whatever. There really is no good ending for me and I feel especially pathetic as there's loads of older people on this forum who have dealt with much, much worse stuff AND be autistic too and I'm here complaining about "oooooooo life hard" without doing anything to actually try. I'm not even that far on the spectrum, I barely count really I'm mostly just a cringy idiot. That's not a trait. I'm sorry those who recognise me here have to pretend to care about me. I can tell you're all sick of me whining because I don't really have any problems and I'm not even that suicidal. I just think about it like every other week, that's not enough. I don't go through enough for anything that I say to be worth valid.

On a lighter note, if anyone knows any tips on how to enjoy the last 12 months so I don't have to drag myself out a a filth infested nest when it's time then please tell me! You only live once, after all (unless you're religious).

 

[Cauliflour]

12/09/2025 haha i am not dealing well with this information! haven't slept well since!

 

[Lazy]

Hey so in advance, sorry that this reply probably is going to be way to short and shallow compared to what I'd like to express/your post deserves as a response but I'm really shit with words (as you might've noticed).

Since you probably are going to ignore it if I tell you that someone might actually care for you if you share your feelings (I certainly wouldn't believe it; also I don't know your situation so it's kinda not my place to speak on the matter, I can only offer to share my own experience, since I actually have a very similar situation.
I just now am going to university and the whole living alone thing is really shitty, like I can still ask my parents for help but they already pay for my rent and everything and I have siblings which they also have to provide for so I'm really just a parasite because the only reason I even exist is just to make them think their investment in me was worth it, meanwhile I literally don't have any ambitions, am entirely incapable of social interaction and just generally doing the bare minimum. And I really don't have a good reason to ctb, I just don't feel like living is something I want to do. That sounds super stupid and it is but there just genuinely isn't anything that desires or maybe there is like socializing but everytime I do I wish I wouldn't because I'm bad at it. Idk just what you describe and are experiencing seems very familiar to me.
I'm n retrospect I realize this kind of is a nothing burger of a comment but I guess I just want to tell you that you are not entirely alone in your feelings or something, as I said I'm bad with words sorry.

Oh and as for what you could do in the last 12 months I personally started to enjoy audio books a lot since you don't actually need much dedication to listen to them and you can do other things simultaneously. Also if you have a forest or just nature near you go there a for better experience:)

 

[Cauliflour]

Hey so in advance, sorry that this reply probably is going to be way to short and shallow compared to what I'd like to express/your post deserves as a response but I'm really shit with words (as you might've noticed).

Since you probably are going to ignore it if I tell you that someone might actually care for you if you share your feelings (I certainly wouldn't believe it; also I don't know your situation so it's kinda not my place to speak on the matter, I can only offer to share my own experience, since I actually have a very similar situation.
I just now am going to university and the whole living alone thing is really shitty, like I can still ask my parents for help but they already pay for my rent and everything and I have siblings which they also have to provide for so I'm really just a parasite because the only reason I even exist is just to make them think their investment in me was worth it, meanwhile I literally don't have any ambitions, am entirely incapable of social interaction and just generally doing the bare minimum. And I really don't have a good reason to ctb, I just don't feel like living is something I want to do. That sounds super stupid and it is but there just genuinely isn't anything that desires or maybe there is like socializing but everytime I do I wish I wouldn't because I'm bad at it. Idk just what you describe and are experiencing seems very familiar to me.
I'm n retrospect I realize this kind of is a nothing burger of a comment but I guess I just want to tell you that you are not entirely alone in your feelings or something, as I said I'm bad with words sorry.

Oh and as for what you could do in the last 12 months I personally started to enjoy audio books a lot since you don't actually need much dedication to listen to them and you can do other things simultaneously. Also if you have a forest or just nature near you go there a for better experience:)

Like I have ambitions and stuff but the thought of disappointing my parents when they expect such high things of me and the thought of being behind everyone else in like life and society is what's freaking me out. It's a really stupid reason to be thinking about committing suicide as I'm literally chickening out of life but it's so much harder having to deal with young adulthood when you have autism as nobody tell you shit!

 

[Lazy]

Like I have ambitions and stuff but the thought of disappointing my parents when they expect such high things of me and the thought of being behind everyone else in like life and society is what's freaking me out. It's a really stupid reason to be thinking about committing suicide as I'm literally chickening out of life but it's so much harder having to deal with young adulthood when you have autism as nobody tell you shit!

I really don't think that is that stupid of a reason tbh. For me pleasing my parents is important to a degree where I have faked documents like my final grades just to make them happy, though I am heavily reliant on the approval of others just to function. I couldn't imagine to go through what you are going through and having to deal with autism as well. My main reason to ctb really is just not having a goal/seeing a reason to continue existing.