Ear
I love you
- Apr 14, 2021
- 15
I am so sick and tired of my life, it's been purposeless so far as I can tell. The more the days go by, the more I start realising that my eventual suicide is inevitable.
I do not see a future ahead of me no matter how far I look—I can't imagine myself at an old age—nor married with children. The truth is I have been hiding that reality from myself for far too long.
There is nothing there.
Absolutely nothing.
It is just an empty husk full of false promises I deluded myself into believing. Lies.
"Don't worry! There is someone out there who likes you for you!"
"You will definitely have a wife one day!"
"Your children will be so adorable!"
I kept fantasising about those scenarios playing out, I kept thinking about that imaginary lover, a woman who would fulfil me, both romantically, intellectually, and of course sexually.
A co-partner, someone who knows how to take care of the little ones—and who can forget about them, those small chubby little hands that just grab at your heartstrings.
I would have been an amazing father and husband.
But lately my fantasies are turning dark. I started noticing this couple of months ago on my way to work and couldn't stop thinking about those images.
Every passenger on that particular ride felt odd. It is as if they could see what I was thinking about, on hindsight I think my subconscious was being reflected on my face.
Regardless, the thoughts I had were of torture, mutilation, rape, murder, mass murder, and suicide.
I was greatly bothered by something at that time, I thought perhaps I am just playing these scenarios as things not to do but after deeper inspection, especially tonight I am starting to realise it's somewhat of a fetish.
It started out subtly, that family I imagined—I started abusing them in my head. One scenario I remember vividly that got me even disturbed was the image of my made up daughter being romantically involved with a boy.
The scenario played out with me discovering her self phone, and from there I'd take her for a little drive without her knowing what contents I have seen on her phone.
I would take her shopping and buy fashionable clothing for her, take her to a beauty salon to do her make up and hair—and genuinely make it seem like a father daughter bonding experience.
When it gets darker and the sun finally sets I drive her by a street where prostitutes are actively working.
I then proceed to viscously strip her naked or force her in promiscuous whore like clothing, and drop her off right then and there.
I imagined her groped by multiple passersby while I am watching from a distance in my car—just watching until she breaks down and can't take it anymore.
I honestly don't know why I imagined this, for hours straight I imagined this—for hours straight, on multiple night shifts.
Another such scenario in familiar fashion is the great rape and murder of an innocent young Jewish woman. I don't know how it started, I would like to believe it has something to do with Palestine but I don't think that's the case at all.
In all honesty if it wasn't for those recent news events, I would have settled for a normal caucasian woman—perhaps even a black woman, just any race of women I despise on that particular moment.
So the scenario starts off with me stalking, this one Jewish lady, kidnapping her or sometimes both her and her husband. I really felt like the rape and murder should be done in-front of someone who loves that person dearly, so I can make them watch her suffer. What better choice than a husband!
So I'd hog tie her, broadcast this live on the internet as I viciously rape her, over, and over again whilst her husband is begging and pleading me stop.
I fantasised about this for multiple days, different methods of rape, murder, and mutilation of innocent people who have done me no harm.
I knew then at that moment there was something wrong with me but I decided to ignore it. It's just a funny movie playing inside my head I kept telling myself, everybody does this in one shape or another.
I am wrong!
This is a fucking L.I.E!
There is something dangerously wrong with me, these are just a few scenarios out of a million. I have raped and murdered in parks, I have committed moss shootings, T-attacks, murdering individuals with my imaginative son, teaching him how to murder people and dismember corpses.
I just can't stop with those thoughts. And my dreams are even more inappropriate than that, I am sexually involved with family, friends, my colleagues. In almost all my dreams I somehow end up having sex: heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, you name it.
Sometimes I woke up eerie, unable to interact with said person for sometime, I have been having these dreams ever since I was a child—they still do spark up from time to time but not as vividly as before. I think my mind is trying to protect somewhat from those images and shame. For years I am dreaming less and less— but when I do it's shameful…
It's always shameful—it's always disgusting.
I don't care anymore, I would not have revealed it if I did.
P.S.
Those writings are just thoughts of a fictional character I am writing for my book. Whatever is being discussed here is purely fictional.
I do not see a future ahead of me no matter how far I look—I can't imagine myself at an old age—nor married with children. The truth is I have been hiding that reality from myself for far too long.
There is nothing there.
Absolutely nothing.
It is just an empty husk full of false promises I deluded myself into believing. Lies.
"Don't worry! There is someone out there who likes you for you!"
"You will definitely have a wife one day!"
"Your children will be so adorable!"
I kept fantasising about those scenarios playing out, I kept thinking about that imaginary lover, a woman who would fulfil me, both romantically, intellectually, and of course sexually.
A co-partner, someone who knows how to take care of the little ones—and who can forget about them, those small chubby little hands that just grab at your heartstrings.
I would have been an amazing father and husband.
But lately my fantasies are turning dark. I started noticing this couple of months ago on my way to work and couldn't stop thinking about those images.
Every passenger on that particular ride felt odd. It is as if they could see what I was thinking about, on hindsight I think my subconscious was being reflected on my face.
Regardless, the thoughts I had were of torture, mutilation, rape, murder, mass murder, and suicide.
I was greatly bothered by something at that time, I thought perhaps I am just playing these scenarios as things not to do but after deeper inspection, especially tonight I am starting to realise it's somewhat of a fetish.
It started out subtly, that family I imagined—I started abusing them in my head. One scenario I remember vividly that got me even disturbed was the image of my made up daughter being romantically involved with a boy.
The scenario played out with me discovering her self phone, and from there I'd take her for a little drive without her knowing what contents I have seen on her phone.
I would take her shopping and buy fashionable clothing for her, take her to a beauty salon to do her make up and hair—and genuinely make it seem like a father daughter bonding experience.
When it gets darker and the sun finally sets I drive her by a street where prostitutes are actively working.
I then proceed to viscously strip her naked or force her in promiscuous whore like clothing, and drop her off right then and there.
I imagined her groped by multiple passersby while I am watching from a distance in my car—just watching until she breaks down and can't take it anymore.
I honestly don't know why I imagined this, for hours straight I imagined this—for hours straight, on multiple night shifts.
Another such scenario in familiar fashion is the great rape and murder of an innocent young Jewish woman. I don't know how it started, I would like to believe it has something to do with Palestine but I don't think that's the case at all.
In all honesty if it wasn't for those recent news events, I would have settled for a normal caucasian woman—perhaps even a black woman, just any race of women I despise on that particular moment.
So the scenario starts off with me stalking, this one Jewish lady, kidnapping her or sometimes both her and her husband. I really felt like the rape and murder should be done in-front of someone who loves that person dearly, so I can make them watch her suffer. What better choice than a husband!
So I'd hog tie her, broadcast this live on the internet as I viciously rape her, over, and over again whilst her husband is begging and pleading me stop.
I fantasised about this for multiple days, different methods of rape, murder, and mutilation of innocent people who have done me no harm.
I knew then at that moment there was something wrong with me but I decided to ignore it. It's just a funny movie playing inside my head I kept telling myself, everybody does this in one shape or another.
I am wrong!
This is a fucking L.I.E!
There is something dangerously wrong with me, these are just a few scenarios out of a million. I have raped and murdered in parks, I have committed moss shootings, T-attacks, murdering individuals with my imaginative son, teaching him how to murder people and dismember corpses.
I just can't stop with those thoughts. And my dreams are even more inappropriate than that, I am sexually involved with family, friends, my colleagues. In almost all my dreams I somehow end up having sex: heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, you name it.
Sometimes I woke up eerie, unable to interact with said person for sometime, I have been having these dreams ever since I was a child—they still do spark up from time to time but not as vividly as before. I think my mind is trying to protect somewhat from those images and shame. For years I am dreaming less and less— but when I do it's shameful…
It's always shameful—it's always disgusting.
I don't care anymore, I would not have revealed it if I did.
P.S.
Those writings are just thoughts of a fictional character I am writing for my book. Whatever is being discussed here is purely fictional.
