The thought of losing him makes me want to die.

[OliverGarden]

I'm 19M, and have been dating a severely mentally ill 25M for about 6mo now. Mentally, he's somewhere between 6-10yo, and isn't really capable of doing a lot. He doesn't leave the house, doesn't talk to his family (besides his little brother), and has no real plans in life. I fell in love with him because of his sunny disposition and kind-hearted personality, and was fully okay with being a full-time caretaker for him long-term. I've been planning on ways to bring him to live with me next year when I start uni, and we've roughly discussed our goals for the future in terms of building a family. I love him dearly, and in spite of that, I hurt him.

A few days ago, his little (12yo) brother stopped breathing and was sent to the ER. I told my boyfriend to go be with him, but he couldn't due to his trauma and mentality. I was harsh, but ultimately was just scared of him losing his little brother and the kid being alone. But this hurt my boyfriend a lot. To him, it was basically me forcing him on something that was mentally impossible for him. He said he doesn't love me anymore, and that I fundamentally broke his ability to ever rely on others for comfort anymore. He said he's willing to give me a second chance because of how much he did love me before, and how I made him feel before. He needs to have that life I've promised him.

Before we met, he was essentially aroace. The ace part stayed, but he said I was the first person he fell in love with, because I was willing to take care of him when nobody else would.
With all this stuff out the way... I feel super conflicted. I feel... used in a way, now. How can he stop loving me so easily when all I've done is be there for him, and restructure my entire life plans around him? I was willing to give up dreams for him... and I feel used now, knowing I'm so disposable for him, when paired with the fact he only loves me for what I can offer. I knew that going into the relationship, but I guess I told myself that'd change eventually. He'd also grow to love me for me. Guess not...

He was perfect for me in many many many ways. Him needing so much care was honestly part of why! I've always been a caretaker at heart, and it made me happy to think about being able to give him a happy life. But I just feel so broken... I wanna die. I've been hitting myself, self-harming, crying...I know he's hurting too. We've been talking daily - he wants me to make him love me again like I did the first time, because he needs me. But it's hard to be that chipper again because my world feels shaken.

I wrote this horribly I feel because I'm in a bit of a hurry and still saddened, but I'm willing to answer questions. I'm planning to ctb in Feb or so because I can't imagine life without him, and while technically we're still together for now, our relationship is on a rope and I feel like it won't hold. I have severe abandonment issues stemming from trauma due to being groomed for most of my life, and this doesn't help - especially during Christmas...

 

[DeadbeatDaughter]

I'm 19M, and have been dating a severely mentally ill 25M for about 6mo now. Mentally, he's somewhere between 6-10yo, and isn't really capable of doing a lot. He doesn't leave the house, doesn't talk to his family (besides his little brother), and has no real plans in life. I fell in love with him because of his sunny disposition and kind-hearted personality, and was fully okay with being a full-time caretaker for him long-term. I've been planning on ways to bring him to live with me next year when I start uni, and we've roughly discussed our goals for the future in terms of building a family. I love him dearly, and in spite of that, I hurt him.

A few days ago, his little (12yo) brother stopped breathing and was sent to the ER. I told my boyfriend to go be with him, but he couldn't due to his trauma and mentality. I was harsh, but ultimately was just scared of him losing his little brother and the kid being alone. But this hurt my boyfriend a lot. To him, it was basically me forcing him on something that was mentally impossible for him. He said he doesn't love me anymore, and that I fundamentally broke his ability to ever rely on others for comfort anymore. He said he's willing to give me a second chance because of how much he did love me before, and how I made him feel before. He needs to have that life I've promised him.

Before we met, he was essentially aroace. The ace part stayed, but he said I was the first person he fell in love with, because I was willing to take care of him when nobody else would.
With all this stuff out the way... I feel super conflicted. I feel... used in a way, now. How can he stop loving me so easily when all I've done is be there for him, and restructure my entire life plans around him? I was willing to give up dreams for him... and I feel used now, knowing I'm so disposable for him, when paired with the fact he only loves me for what I can offer. I knew that going into the relationship, but I guess I told myself that'd change eventually. He'd also grow to love me for me. Guess not...

He was perfect for me in many many many ways. Him needing so much care was honestly part of why! I've always been a caretaker at heart, and it made me happy to think about being able to give him a happy life. But I just feel so broken... I wanna die. I've been hitting myself, self-harming, crying...I know he's hurting too. We've been talking daily - he wants me to make him love me again like I did the first time, because he needs me. But it's hard to be that chipper again because my world feels shaken.

I wrote this horribly I feel because I'm in a bit of a hurry and still saddened, but I'm willing to answer questions. I'm planning to ctb in Feb or so because I can't imagine life without him, and while technically we're still together for now, our relationship is on a rope and I feel like it won't hold. I have severe abandonment issues stemming from trauma due to being groomed for most of my life, and this doesn't help - especially during Christmas...

This will sound harsh I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like a person you should be with at all. This sounds like in the end, despite you being a caretaker at heart, you'll still end up feeling used. For this person to discard you so..? Carelessly? And say he doesn't love you... It's easy to see why your world would be shaken, especially after everything you were willing to do (and did) for him.

It doesn't sound like your intention was to hurt his feelings at all when it came to the situation with his little brother. Infact you understood how much his brother meant to him, of course he should have been there. Trauma can do alot to you, I'm not blaming this person or trying to say they're anything horrible. But even his little brother, who's the only person he really talks to...to stop breathing, to be sent to the ER, it's dangerous, life-threatening. And it all still wasn't enough to push himself to go? This just doesn't sound like someone that'll be good for you.

 

[orpheus_]

This sounds eerily similar to a situation that I went/am going through. I mean, still different of course but many patterns match up. Please don't treat what I write as direct advice (because I am certainly not the correct person to give it) but that's just a description of what I figured out and my experience, and maybe you can draw some conclusions out of it or just find it relatable.

I have a friend/ex partner/almost a partner who I'm kind of taking care of. We're both in our early twenties, we have been long-distance friends before but we got closer just when I moved out of my parents' house for university and they started having more serious problems (because of many life circumstances). It's more of an up-and-down, they are sometimes able to function on their own for some time but they still have many severe mental issues (and some physical ones too) which make them essentially disabled and often unable to even leave the house or maintain themselves. They have no plans for life, no contact with family. Many traumas which make them unable to do most things or get involved emotionally in some events. I am the only person who they trust enough to get any help from and the only person who really wants to do it. Over the last 2 years they have lived with me on and off, having no other option because of bad relationships with family.

We love each other dearly, although it's... A complicated relationship. I am also "the caretaker type", sometimes even too much. Being chronically suicidal I had many periods of life when I lived exclusively to be useful to others.

I was harsh, but ultimately was just scared of him losing his little brother and the kid being alone. But this hurt my boyfriend a lot. To him, it was basically me forcing him on something that was mentally impossible for him. He said he doesn't love me anymore, and that I fundamentally broke his ability to ever rely on others for comfort anymore.

Now. I also had... Well, more than one situation like this. It's always the same scheme:
I am too harsh because I wanted to talk them out of something stupid/convince them to do something I think will help me or I think is right. They perceive it as an attack/invalidating their trauma/forcing them to do something impossible for them. They tell me that I fundamentally broke their ability to X (usually "to trust someone" or "to feel emotions") and, if the situation is very serious, that they don't love me anymore. They say they will "give me a second chance if I never come close to doing *the thing I did* anymore". If I do not agree to take that chance, they will kill themselves/cut themselves/leave my house and go ride a random train... etc.

The most extreme situation was when they accused me of "traumatizing them" by me having a severe depressive episode and just existing around them. After a few months of functioning I suddendly got told that "my suicidality and self harm made them loose emotions and renewed their trauma". They wanted to end the relationship but gave me "one last chance", and for another few months I kept doing everything they claimed to be good for them, to keep us together - because I loved them and wanted them around me... But also because I knew that at their current state, they would simply not deal with life without my help. Ended up with many months of extreme situations, extreme sacrifices and shit I would never imagine would happen in my life. I regret many of it.

In the end, actually.. we're in a more stable place now. In a close relationship again, and I finally, after so many months, feel like I can live, not just do everything for them. I'm not saying it's a happy ending but it is a moment of stability, hell, sometimes even mild happiness, and maybe it will last longer. BUT it was only possible because I stopped loosing all my shit to do everything for them. Long story. I don't really want to write it all in a public post.

How can he stop loving me so easily when all I've done is be there for him, and restructure my entire life plans around him?

That's the thing: with people with severe issues with emotional regulation/relationship building, things always grow into extremes. They either love you dearly or suddendly hate you/want to have nothing to do with you. It's a defense mechanism: they see that something might do *even the smallest thing* that can be harmful/perceived as harmful to them, so they escape that thing. Or person. It can change back overtime.
Anyway... It's not that you did something bad. You did not "break" him or any of his abilities. It's, really, basically his threat response system malfunctioning. This reaction is common in many people with BPD, but happens with other mental issues (especially connected to trauma) as well. This is a symptom of mental issues. And not everything he says he needs is actually what he needs.

He needs to have that life I've promised him.

No, he doesn't and you do not owe him anything just because of a promise. People do crazy things for love, and say crazy things. Hypothetically: of you promised to gift him a star from the sky, it would be absurd if he demanded you to fullfill the promise just because you said so, right?
...But I get that you want a good life for him. It's fair. But you can only reach it in a realistic way. Try your hardest, but not chase it for all costs.

Okay, I know I probably sound like a therapist. I might sound cold and overly psychologizing. But these are.. the things I learned after over 2 years of a complicated relationship with some similar patterns. And also after researching lots and lots about behaviors caused by certain mental issues and reading others' similar stories. I think that really understanding what's going seriously helps in both supporting that person, and not destroying yourself.

What you need to really understand and internalize is that you have no obligation to morph your life and the entire world to fit their standards which are dictated by an illness. I know it's hard. Seeing someone you love suffer makes one want to do everything in the world to save them. But in the end.. it can only lead to reinforcing their harmful behaviors (not to mention that your life will suffer seriously - but I'm assuming that right now, you're thinking more about your boyfriend than yourself). And this way they will only keep getting deeper into their issues.

The thing is. Your boyfriend/my partner may be a good person, an amazing person really. Yet do bad things because of their issues. Like a person in manic psychosis who stabs their lover because the voices told them it's actually an evil doppleganger.

I honestly get the inner conflict of both loving someone and wanting to help them, vs feeling used and simply not being able to put up with so much responsibility. It's a very nuanced situation and there are no simple answers. But... it's very dear and brave of you that you support your boyfriend, most people would never sign up for a relationship which requires so much sacrifice.

Still please do not loose yourself in it. You deserve a life too. I know it's incredibly hard, trying to support someone enough yet avoiding reinforcing their harmful behaviors. But you're more than his caretaker, and if you're someone who's willing to help people, you can stay in this world to do it in a way that will not harm you and will do others more good.

Please take care of yourself. Dealing with a severely ill person might make someone feel like their problems are actually easy to deal with and not worth thinking about. Which is not true at all. Please, please find something in your life outside of taking care of your boyfriend, something that will keep you sane - a hobby, other relationships... It will do you both good. I know you might not care about your life but if you want to try giving your boyfriend a chance for a good life or even a few more good moments, you need to take care of yourself.

It's hard as fuck, but only finding the right grey zone between abandoning him and fully sacrificing yourself will give you two a chance of a good life.

I hope I do not sound too patronizing.. I apologize if I do. But it's what I would tell myself two years ago.
Maybe it will help you in some way. I hope so. I hope you two will be able to have a good and happy life together, where your issues are managed. But even if your relationship falls apart... You can still be in this world and try having a good life. As long as you're alive, you can reunite one day.

Still I know situations like this can be over one's capacity, especially stacked on top of other issues. You have a full right to end your life and it is justified. What I'm saying is just, there's a different perspective.

Also feel free to send me a direct message and talk about it in private, if you want. And sorry for an overly long post...

 

[OliverGarden]

This sounds eerily similar to a situation that I went/am going through. I mean, still different of course but many patterns match up. Please don't treat what I write as direct advice (because I am certainly not the correct person to give it) but that's just a description of what I figured out and my experience, and maybe you can draw some conclusions out of it or just find it relatable.

Dear friend.

Happy new year, first and foremost! I hope you have an amazing year and years to come, and that your troubles become manageable and easily overcome over time.

Thank you so, so much for the care and warmth you wrote those words with. All of them. I've been, and am currently going through, the wringer the past week, and might honestly take up your offer to talk... I feel very isolated - isnt it funny, to be isolated when surrounded by friends? - because it's hard to admit to these things. I tried to open up to my friend of five years regarding my suicidality regarding this topic, and they said it was silly. That I'd be over it by February, and that their life was harder than mine. I... haven't talked to them since. Even a pushover like me knows limits. >_>

I'm trying really hard to figure things out with him, but we spent the past couple days doing exactly this:

It's hard as fuck, but only finding the right grey zone between abandoning him and fully sacrificing yourself will give you two a chance of a good life.

And it's hard, since he's willing to do a lot of things that are hard for him for my sake, but I'm hesitant to let him because... I feel like that'd make me a bad boyfriend and caretaker. He keeps telling me he's willing to do them because he loves me and wants me happy, but I'm scared of hurting him. He doesn't want me to fully sacrifice myself to him because he feels useless. He feels awful about not being able to give me some of the things I want in a relationship (particularly our sexual incompatibility) without being highly uncomfortable (dysphoria) or upset, but he's willing to do it. For me.

I'm struggling a lot. I have hope in the two of us, so I'll keep trying. I'm... still considering CTB, but mostly in a passively suicidal way now, I suppose.
Over the holidays, my little (7y and 10y) cousins texted me a lot about their day to day and the holidays. I plan on seeing them this week and see if they improve my mood.

Thank you so, so much for the love and warmth and advice. I mean it. You're an incredible person that deserves to be happy and loved and held, and I truly hope you see nothing but the utmost joy in your days. Thank you for choosing to spend your time trying to make a stranger just a tiny bit less sad in this difficult world. That means more than you might imagine.

 

[39hatsune]

i dont know your life but from what ive read here it really seems like you deserve better i understand he has issues, but you are not responsible for them, especially if its taking such a toll on you

if he can stop loving you so easily, then im afraid i think it mightve never been real love to begin with, which you deserve ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

please dont end your life for someone else, let alone someone that isnt treating you well