(UK based here). I am the post toxic person i know. I've posted in here before, about three years ago, about my toxicity issues. basically being toxic and disgusting to hundreds of people, everyone i've ever met. i'm 29 now and things are no better. I've harassed, manipulated, emotionally abused hundreds of people, posts have been written about me publicly, been banned from many events, people generally do not like me. i have no friends at the moment- rightly so. many people have trauma because of me. and despite saying over and over again for the last 15 years that i was aware of my issues and wanted to change, that change is minimal. because the second things don't go my way i get awful again, threatening people to tell their friends/family things they told me in secrecy, messaging them elsewhere out of 'concern', etc. - i am a textbook covert narcissist. read my previous posts for more info if you wish.
I moved about a year ago and got my dream job in the world, working for the NHS (national health service) here, on a training programme for a very good job, my DREAM JOB. my salary was amazing. i felt like i was actually helping people. when i moved i decided to move my epilepsy care and my mental health care to a provider down here.
during a mental health appointment they mentioned that, whilst i was waiting for actual therapy, based on the issues i shared, they recommended that i go to a charity, which offers a DVPP - domestic violence perpetrator programme. i referred myself on their advice- i thought, okay, i've never hit anyone, but maybe some of the emotional abuse stuff they have could be helpful to someone like me. i thought it was proactive. i was proud of myself for going. anyway, i spoke too much in my initial appointment, and they phoned my workplace at the hospital and i was fired. from my dream job. no warnings, nothing. just fired. I'm angry at the mental health service for recommending I go to that DVPP charity. That one hour of going to that appointment cost me my life.
It's been a few months. I spend my days doing nothing. I have no job- I 've been told that there's no point applying to other NHS jobs. I have no hope for anything. I have no friends because I've alienated everybody. My family are dealing with their own issues, dad is ill. nothing feels the same any more. I'm just bedrotting at the moment. I know it's my own fault, I didn't think it would be this traumatic though, and I know I wouldn't have repeated ANY of that behaviour in this role. They said they couldn't mitigate the risk though.
My last SC attempt was probably 11 years ago. I had a few around that time, and some were fairly close. I wish I was more actively suicidal right now though. It's the right time to go. I've ruined everything, I'm 29, I have nothing left. I dated someone in June to July who left me because of my toxic petulant behaviours and then had to block me as I was getting bad to her after that and pressuring her to be friends with me still.
Having housemates is a tricky thing, as I don't want to traumatise them by hanging in my wardrobe.
I want to believe that when we go, we can start again anew. I'd like that, a lot.
It's too late for me to find something now and be good to people and start all over again. People all around the country have been warned about me. And I cannot get a job in this field again. On top of that, my dismissal looks VERY bad to employers. I'm not getting better at all and I've exhausted all support options.
I feel more numb than suicidal, and I wish it was the other way around. I wish I had more of a drive to CTB at the moment.
Rant over. Apologies.
I moved about a year ago and got my dream job in the world, working for the NHS (national health service) here, on a training programme for a very good job, my DREAM JOB. my salary was amazing. i felt like i was actually helping people. when i moved i decided to move my epilepsy care and my mental health care to a provider down here.
during a mental health appointment they mentioned that, whilst i was waiting for actual therapy, based on the issues i shared, they recommended that i go to a charity, which offers a DVPP - domestic violence perpetrator programme. i referred myself on their advice- i thought, okay, i've never hit anyone, but maybe some of the emotional abuse stuff they have could be helpful to someone like me. i thought it was proactive. i was proud of myself for going. anyway, i spoke too much in my initial appointment, and they phoned my workplace at the hospital and i was fired. from my dream job. no warnings, nothing. just fired. I'm angry at the mental health service for recommending I go to that DVPP charity. That one hour of going to that appointment cost me my life.
It's been a few months. I spend my days doing nothing. I have no job- I 've been told that there's no point applying to other NHS jobs. I have no hope for anything. I have no friends because I've alienated everybody. My family are dealing with their own issues, dad is ill. nothing feels the same any more. I'm just bedrotting at the moment. I know it's my own fault, I didn't think it would be this traumatic though, and I know I wouldn't have repeated ANY of that behaviour in this role. They said they couldn't mitigate the risk though.
My last SC attempt was probably 11 years ago. I had a few around that time, and some were fairly close. I wish I was more actively suicidal right now though. It's the right time to go. I've ruined everything, I'm 29, I have nothing left. I dated someone in June to July who left me because of my toxic petulant behaviours and then had to block me as I was getting bad to her after that and pressuring her to be friends with me still.
Having housemates is a tricky thing, as I don't want to traumatise them by hanging in my wardrobe.
I want to believe that when we go, we can start again anew. I'd like that, a lot.
It's too late for me to find something now and be good to people and start all over again. People all around the country have been warned about me. And I cannot get a job in this field again. On top of that, my dismissal looks VERY bad to employers. I'm not getting better at all and I've exhausted all support options.
I feel more numb than suicidal, and I wish it was the other way around. I wish I had more of a drive to CTB at the moment.
Rant over. Apologies.
