Venting The littlest things

[simji_is_offline]

TW: SH

I'm so angry at myself and embarrassed. I've been genuinely considering suicide for months now with varying degrees of intent. The thing that kills me is that sometimes when I'm feeling better it's the littlest thing that sends me spiraling. Last night I embarrassed myself in front of a friend by unintentionally revealing how uneducated I was on something. I know it's completely trivial but it just made me go insane — I was desperately searching for the blades I had my bf hide. I found a dull exacto knife in my crafts drawer and dragged it across my skin but it couldn't draw blood. Instead of continuing to look for them, I finally made an account on here after browsing methods for the longest time and imagined how I'd go through with ending it until I calmed down.

I'm so fucking embarrassed. There are so many reasons I've thought about catching the bus but my strongest desires to actually act on it come from the littlest, stupidest things. Honestly it's kept me from actually ending it sometimes — the idea of killing myself over a fucking faux pas is too humiliating. Does anyone else feel like this? Why does the little stuff get to me so much?

 

[CaptainSunshine!]

People can live for little things like the taste of ice cream (or so I've read), so I guess it's only natural that it can go in the other direction as well.

 

[simji_is_offline]

People can live for little things like the taste of ice cream (or so I've read), so I guess it's only natural that it can go in the other direction as well.

That's a good point. I definitely find myself prone to extremes. Thanks for replying <3

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I hear you.
Don't know if this is applicable to you, but sometimes this kind of thing can stem from trauma, and/or having some kinds of neurodivergence (like rejection sensitive dysphoria that's often a part of ADHD, or having BPD, or being a Highly Sensitive Person, etc).

If it's trauma, it could be an emotional flashback. (They work like 'regular' flashbacks, except you don't consciously remember what you're flashing back to. You think you're still in the present, but your emotions are actually about something in your past.)
Let's say you were frequently shamed and yelled at as a kid. Your brain internalizes this. Then, years later, you do something embarrassing, and suddenly you feel like you're that little kid again - "I'm bad, stupid, worthless, I always screw up, I just want to vanish". Your 'adult' brain tells you that it's no big deal and you're over-reacting, but emotionally you're back to being small and overwhelmed and desperately trying to appease others' judgement. "See, I know I'm bad, I know I deserve to be punished, I know I don't deserve to be alive, look, I'll prove it to you!"

If it's neurodivergence, basically your brain is wired in such a way that you feel some (or all) emotions more sharply and deeply than most people.
Maybe you're prone to 'black-and-white', 'all-or-nothing' thinking - "either I'm perfect, or I'm worthless" - so doing any little thing wrong throws your brain into "I'm worthless" mode.
Maybe your brain is hyper-sensitive to rejection, so any misstep immediately triggers the conclusion "therefore everyone will abandon me".
(There's lots of other ways it can work, too.)

If this helps at all, let me know if you'd like some resources and information.

 

[simji_is_offline]

I hear you.
Don't know if this is applicable to you, but sometimes this kind of thing can stem from trauma, and/or having some kinds of neurodivergence (like rejection sensitive dysphoria that's often a part of ADHD, or having BPD, or being a Highly Sensitive Person, etc).

If it's trauma, it could be an emotional flashback. (They work like 'regular' flashbacks, except you don't consciously remember what you're flashing back to. You think you're still in the present, but your emotions are actually about something in your past.)
Let's say you were frequently shamed and yelled at as a kid. Your brain internalizes this. Then, years later, you do something embarrassing, and suddenly you feel like you're that little kid again - "I'm bad, stupid, worthless, I always screw up, I just want to vanish". Your 'adult' brain tells you that it's no big deal and you're over-reacting, but emotionally you're back to being small and overwhelmed and desperately trying to appease others' judgement. "See, I know I'm bad, I know I deserve to be punished, I know I don't deserve to be alive, look, I'll prove it to you!"

If it's neurodivergence, basically your brain is wired in such a way that you feel some (or all) emotions more sharply and deeply than most people.
Maybe you're prone to 'black-and-white', 'all-or-nothing' thinking - "either I'm perfect, or I'm worthless" - so doing any little thing wrong throws your brain into "I'm worthless" mode.
Maybe your brain is hyper-sensitive to rejection, so any misstep immediately triggers the conclusion "therefore everyone will abandon me".
(There's lots of other ways it can work, too.)

If this helps at all, let me know if you'd like some resources and information.

This is really helpful! I've talked about this sort of thing with my therapist. I realized recently that a lot of my anxiety stems from having to play mediator for my parents as a kid. I'd try my best to keep them entertained, so any rejection feels catastrophic to me now (because as a kid not keeping them in a good mood led to an unstable, negative environment). Since this realization I've been able to step back when I feel like I don't get the reaction I expected, but I think this felt different so I'm wondering if maybe some other factors are at play here too.

I've never been diagnosed with autism/ADHD, but my bf who is autistic notes that some of my behaviors feel reminiscent of the way it impacts him — particularly with regard to socialization. I find I'm definitely prone to the black and white thinking you're talking about, so if you have any resources related to that I think it would be really helpful for me.

Thank you so much for such a thorough and helpful response! I really appreciate it <3

 

[always_a_crossroads]

That makes a lot of sense. Trauma on top of being neurodivergent is definitely a common thing. And if you don't know you're neurodivergent, there's an extra layer of "I don't know why I can't cope, I guess I'm just bad/wrong/weak".

In regards to childhood trauma/emotional flashbacks, what helped me a lot was the book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher.
Also the AI tool "My Foster Parents" ( https://www.earnedsecurehelp.com/my-foster-parents/ ). Use at your own discretion - it's an AI and there's inherent risks with that (e.g. uncertain level of privacy, potential errors/glitches, an illusion of a second opinion when it might just reflect things back to you, an illusion of a person when there's no actual person there, and so on). Personally, it helped me learn how to see myself with more patience and caring, but your mileage may vary.

In regards to extreme emotions and potential neurodivergence/distorted thought patterns:

• For understanding some common thought patterns, I read "Living Well on the Spectrum: How to Use Your Strengths to Meet the Challenges of Asperger Syndrome/High-Functioning Autism". Not all of it was helpful or applicable to me, and I found some examples overly simplistic, but it was a decent overview. You can also go online and search for "cognitive distortions" or "emotional dysregulation" or "why some people are emotionally sensitive", etc, there's a lot of resources out there.
• For dealing with the practical side of this, I found DBT helpful (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). I attended a group, don't know if that's an option for you. There's also a workbook, "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" - you can access it for free here: https://cursosdepsicologia.com.ar/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/THEDIA1.pdf
• In my case, starting on ADHD medication made a huge difference. It was like there was suddenly breathing room between "I'm upset" and "I act on it". If you have the ability to ask your therapist or doctor about a diagnosis, and a way to get treatment, that might be something to think about. (Though there's also potential risks, depending on your country and healthcare system, so it's up to you to do your research and decide whether it's worth trying.)

Hope that helps!
In any case, I wish you luck. It's really tough when your brain goes into 'self-destruct mode' at the slightest provocation. I've been there and I feel for you.

 

[orpheus_]

Damn, it sounds painful. Have you tried mood stabilizing medication? I know a person with a similar problems (caused mostly by autism and trauma) and it helped them a lot. Contrary to what some think, it's not only for people with bipolar and it doesn't numb emotions completely, but it makes them less rapid and easier to handle.

 

[simji_is_offline]

That makes a lot of sense. Trauma on top of being neurodivergent is definitely a common thing. And if you don't know you're neurodivergent, there's an extra layer of "I don't know why I can't cope, I guess I'm just bad/wrong/weak".

In regards to childhood trauma/emotional flashbacks, what helped me a lot was the book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher.
Also the AI tool "My Foster Parents" ( https://www.earnedsecurehelp.com/my-foster-parents/ ). Use at your own discretion - it's an AI and there's inherent risks with that (e.g. uncertain level of privacy, potential errors/glitches, an illusion of a second opinion when it might just reflect things back to you, an illusion of a person when there's no actual person there, and so on). Personally, it helped me learn how to see myself with more patience and caring, but your mileage may vary.

In regards to extreme emotions and potential neurodivergence/distorted thought patterns:

• For understanding some common thought patterns, I read "Living Well on the Spectrum: How to Use Your Strengths to Meet the Challenges of Asperger Syndrome/High-Functioning Autism". Not all of it was helpful or applicable to me, and I found some examples overly simplistic, but it was a decent overview. You can also go online and search for "cognitive distortions" or "emotional dysregulation" or "why some people are emotionally sensitive", etc, there's a lot of resources out there.
• For dealing with the practical side of this, I found DBT helpful (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). I attended a group, don't know if that's an option for you. There's also a workbook, "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" - you can access it for free here: https://cursosdepsicologia.com.ar/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/THEDIA1.pdf
• In my case, starting on ADHD medication made a huge difference. It was like there was suddenly breathing room between "I'm upset" and "I act on it". If you have the ability to ask your therapist or doctor about a diagnosis, and a way to get treatment, that might be something to think about. (Though there's also potential risks, depending on your country and healthcare system, so it's up to you to do your research and decide whether it's worth trying.)

Hope that helps!
In any case, I wish you luck. It's really tough when your brain goes into 'self-destruct mode' at the slightest provocation. I've been there and I feel for you.

You are AMAZING! Thank you for all of this.