I don't know if any of you have ever felt something similar, but knowing that I can end it all at once can be more relieving than despairing? Maybe it's a coping mechanism or something, but it really does make me feel better, ironically.
Has anyone here ever felt something similar?
No. I hate thinking about killing myself. Knowing is half the problem, Im scared and worried I will act on these thoughts. It is not relieving. I want to be happy.
For Cioran, the knowledge and awareness of suicide are both a relief and a curse. Suicide can be seen as a strange form of freedom, allowing one to explore existence without being enslaved by its worst impulses. He also suggests that consciousness of these thoughts—although painful—is what separates action (self-destructive impulses) from contemplation.
I live only because it is in my power to die when I choose to: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away. (Cioran, 1952)
This quote raises questions about what happiness realy is. Maybe, as Pyrrho of Elis pointed out, (certain) ignorance leads to mindfulness and subsequently to
ataraxia, to tranquillity of being, and not to digression of the experience. Cioran also speaks about this:
Only those are happy who never think or, rather, who only think about life's bare necessities, and to think about such things means not to think at all. True thinking resembles a demon who muddies the spring of life or a sickness which corrupts its roots. To think all the time, to raise questions, to doubt your own destiny, to feel the weariness of living, to be worn out to the point of exhaustion by thoughts and life, to leave behind you, as symbols of your life's drama, a trail of smoke and blood — all this means you are so unhappy that reflection and thinking appear as a curse causing a violent revulsion in you. (Cioran, 1934)
It feels like I'm attached to this life the same way I get attached to an old friend or a bad relationship. I might feel like the best choice is to let go, but it feels like a shame.
Somehow, I think it may be due to the fact that, having arrived to the consideration of suicide through absurdism and nihilism, if your reason to commit suicide is that there's no reason to live, why assume there is one to die? What's the
meaning of suicide in a
meaningless world? Suicide doesn't solve the problem of the suffering you've already been through.
We could say we are in a state of limbo where, as
suspension of judgement (a central concept in Pyrrho's and Agrippa the Skeptic's epistemology), we are not happy with neither the idea of living nor suicide; like someone who struggles between life and death in a state of coma and unconsciousness, but in our case, we sometimes dissociate ourselves in a hyperconscious state.
