The death we think we want, until it comes: sadworld

[thaelyana]

I keep thinking about the story of @sadworld, and I need to talk about it. Maybe some of you remember too, or feel the same way I do.

She took SN, "just to test," to see if 3 or 4 grams would be enough. She was still posting messages like: "I'm in pain… I don't understand… my body is burning…"
Then suddenlly : nothing. She went offline. No more messages. No sign of her. It's been three years now.

It felt like an indirect suicide, maybe not fully planned. But it was still irreversible. And it left a deep mark on me.

There were words in her bio that I can't stop thinking about:

"I can't wait for my last day here and my first day there. It will be beautiful! Let's leave this human existence behind. Just let me sleep forever…"

That's what haunts me the most.
Someone who spent so long wanting to die… and when death finally came close, she may have started to want to live. To regret ? To hold on.

That image won't leave me. A person facing the irreversible, in pain, in fear and realizing too late they didn't really want to die. Or not like that.

And I'm terrified of that.
Of making a permanent decision in a temporary moment. Of regrettingbut it being too late.

I just wanted to share this.
Maybe someone else remembers.
Maybe this story stayed with you, too.
I'd really like to talk. To understand. To not carry this alone ?

 

[Wolf Girl]

As someone who has had serious attempts, I can say you will likely feel exactly that in your final moments regardless of whether you truly want to die or not.

 

[thaelyana]

Damn, that's really scary! Dying stressed out, unhappy... The journey is not at all soothing, it's scary.

 

[Doll Steak]

when I attempted hanging and I woke up after passing out i definitely felt a weird regret, something in my head literally screamed the words "wait I don't want to die! or no I'm not ready!" and then I shot up and untied the belt from my neck. I'm still suicidal but it was a strange feeling and one of the only moments I've actually had a will to live recently.

This is the first time I'm hearing about this story but wow, that really is so fucking painful to imagine. Being lonely, full of regret, knowing THIS is what your last moments are. Just pain, isolation, sorrow, and then nothing forever. I hope they are in a peaceful sleep.

 

[bankai]

What makes you think she started to want to live? Do you think that's why she ingested SN albeit in a low dose?

She's at peace now. I feel that's what she wanted, which is why she did what she did.

 

[thaelyana]

Yes, I really imagine that people change their minds at the moment of dying. It must be so paradoxical, like an ultimate inner struggle or sudden questioning. I've never tried I'm too scared and luckily I know I would probably change my mind right away.

If you check out @sadworld s last messages on their account, it's terrifying… It's been three and a half years since they disappeared from the site, and I feel really sad for them. The contrast between their bio and those last desperate messages is heartbreaking. It really hurts me..

What makes you think she started to want to live? Do you think that's why she ingested SN albeit in a low dose?

She's at peace now. I feel that's what she wanted, which is why she did what she did.

Look at her last messages, it seems like she didn't understand what was happening to her. She wanted to test the effects on her body by taking much less than a lethal dose. It's surprising she must have been so scared.
The day before, she said she wanted to die, and then suddenly she just wanted to test. You know what I mean?

And sorry i don't know if is she or he

 

[k1m]

When I got discarded after a horrible, abusive relationship I poured 20g of SN in my coffee, stirred it in, and drank a bit. I had second thoughts, I didn't finish it, but it did hurt a lot. The whole time I was sick I kept thinking, "wow, how dumb would it be if I died here?" It wasn't intense at all. I just felt like I was watching a movie of my life and it was ending anticlimactically. I never had a strong feeling of wanting to live or die. I was just in so much pain.

 

[tpboy]

it is my personal belief that very few of us will ever be totally ready when the time comes. it is just how it is.

 

[Romanticize]

yea its sad. During our last moments, there is our deeply rooted instict to live. Its there, in our DNA, strenghtened by evolution

She wanted to test the effects on her body by taking much less than a lethal dose.

3-4 grams of SN is absolutely a lethal dose. You dont test SN, and if you really want, test 100mg maximum.

 

[Corovaner]

When I got discarded after a horrible, abusive relationship I poured 20g of SN in my coffee, stirred it in, and drank a bit. I had second thoughts, I didn't finish it, but it did hurt a lot. The whole time I was sick I kept thinking, "wow, how dumb would it be if I died here?" It wasn't intense at all. I just felt like I was watching a movie of my life and it was ending anticlimactically. I never had a strong feeling of wanting to live or die. I was just in so much pain.

So, SN is painful. Not peaceful at all. But why?

 

[thaelyana]

yea its sad. During our last moments, there is our deeply rooted instict to live. Its there, in our DNA, strenghtened by evolution


3-4 grams of SN is absolutely a lethal dose. You dont test SN, and if you really want, test 100mg maximum

OMG I must have taken the wrong dose! Does anyone have the exact dose sadworld took?

When I got discarded after a horrible, abusive relationship I poured 20g of SN in my coffee, stirred it in, and drank a bit. I had second thoughts, I didn't finish it, but it did hurt a lot. The whole time I was sick I kept thinking, "wow, how dumb would it be if I died here?" It wasn't intense at all. I just felt like I was watching a movie of my life and it was ending anticlimactically. I never had a strong feeling of wanting to live or die. I was just in so much pain.

This is terrifying... damn

 

[Dante_]

Ok, closing thread because there's so much here that I dont think should be up for discussion.

Edit: On second thought, unlocking thread so long as it doesnt devolve into discussion like whether its peaceful or not or what the right amount to take is as thats been discussed numerous times, please stay on topic regarding what the op posted about.

 

[bankai]

Yes, I really imagine that people change their minds at the moment of dying. It must be so paradoxical, like an ultimate inner struggle or sudden questioning. I've never tried I'm too scared and luckily I know I would probably change my mind right away.

If you check out @sadworld s last messages on their account, it's terrifying… It's been three and a half years since they disappeared from the site, and I feel really sad for them. The contrast between their bio and those last desperate messages is heartbreaking. It really hurts me..

Look at her last messages, it seems like she didn't understand what was happening to her. She wanted to test the effects on her body by taking much less than a lethal dose. It's surprising she must have been so scared.
The day before, she said she wanted to die, and then suddenly she just wanted to test. You know what I mean?

And sorry i don't know if is she or he

Ah Ok.I just wish I could overcome my survival instinct ASAP and end it all though. Every person at that end is going to have second thoughts. It's not going to be 100% clean for anyone. I'm actually happy for all of them. Yes, we can sit here and second guess what they might have felt at the end. But they still took the decision, no one interfered and they followed through with it on their own terms.So it's better to just feel happy for them. But I understand your sadness as well and I'm sorry for that.Mourning the ones that have passed is always understandable.

Second guessing their intentions though, I don't think is really up to us. So yeah,try to find peace with that maybe.


Edit :Also, yes, I've been taking some time to look through that particular user's posts. It's pretty sad.Thank you for highlighting this.They did have some regrets and were second guessing themselves

 

[thaelyana]

Ah Ok.I just wish I could overcome my survival instinct ASAP and end it all though. Every person at that end is going to have second thoughts. It's not going to be 100% clean for anyone. I'm actually happy for all of them. Yes, we can sit here and second guess what they might have felt at the end. But they still took the decision, no one interfered and they followed through with it on their own terms.So it's better to just feel happy for them. But I understand your sadness as well and I'm sorry for that.Mourning the ones that have passed is always understandable.

Second guessing their intentions though, I don't think is really up to us. So yeah,try to find peace with that maybe.


Edit :Also, yes, I've been taking some time to look through that particular user's posts. It's pretty sad.Thank you for highlighting this.They did have some regrets and were second guessing themselves

It really is difficult… I can only imagine all the thoughts that must go through someone's mind in that moment.
I'm so afraid of that, how many people have regretted it the second they started their attempt?

What makes this story even more heartbreaking is that the goal wasn't actually to die.
Death came for her anyway. That's what's so painful.

When someone is fully aware they're ending their life, there's room for regret .. but at least it was their decision.
But when someone dies without truly meaning to, just trying to "test" or understand something… that's a whole different kind of tragedy.

May her soul rest in peace.

 

[bankai]

I'm so afraid of that, how many people have regretted it the second they started their attempt?

Actually, many have regretted it the moment they started it. Especially with SN. Unfortunately, this method gives you quite a bit of time to think about things. That's why they recommend taking benzos along with SN. It's supposed to calm you.

 

[thaelyana]

Edit: On second thought, unlocking thread so long as it doesnt devolve into discussion like whether its peaceful or not or what the right amount to take is as thats been discussed numerous times, please stay on topic regarding what the op posted about.

Okay , thanks

Actually, many have regretted it the moment they started it. Especially with SN. Unfortunately, this method gives you quite a bit of time to think about things. That's why they recommend taking benzos along with SN. It's supposed to calm you.

Yes, I was thinking the same thing... the SN seems effective but leaves a lot of time for reflection... between the pain and the fear you must change your mind many times... Thank you

 

[painfully]

Maybe it was for the best. Many people want to die but dont have the strength to carry it out...

Im pretty sure I should have ctb 15 years ago, at the very least... I would have saved a ton of pain. I didnt gain anything by living, just more suffering...

This stupid survival instinct clinging to hope when everything has been logically examined and its obvious that there is no future, no improvement, no hope.

If I died tonight in my sleep it would the best thing that could happen to me...

 

[bankai]

It really is difficult… I can only imagine all the thoughts that must go through someone's mind in that moment.
I'm so afraid of that, how many people have regretted it the second they started their attempt?

What makes this story even more heartbreaking is that the goal wasn't actually to die.
Death came for her anyway. That's what's so painful.

When someone is fully aware they're ending their life, there's room for regret .. but at least it was their decision.
But when someone dies without truly meaning to, just trying to "test" or understand something… that's a whole different kind of tragedy.

May her soul rest in peace.

I saw your post on her profile page. I feel terrible about Raphtalia as well.Seems like they were very profoundly affected by the loss of sadworld.This is what I hate the most. The ones left behind having to pick up the pieces. It's of course no fault of the ones who decided to take the bus. But still, it's a very sad situation for the ones left behind.

 

[secretghost]

Ok, closing thread because there's so much here that I dont think should be up for discussion.

Edit: On second thought, unlocking thread so long as it doesnt devolve into discussion like whether its peaceful or not or what the right amount to take is as thats been discussed numerous times, please stay on topic regarding what the op posted about.

appreciate both your reasonings here, and watching the thread because the original topic is really sad and important and worth consideration for everyone here

 

[thaelyana]

Maybe it was for the best. Many people want to die but dont have the strength to carry it out...

Im pretty sure I should have ctb 15 years ago, at the very least... I would have saved a ton of pain. I didnt gain anything by living, just more suffering...

This stupid survival instinct clinging to hope when everything has been logically examined and its obvious that there is no future, no improvement, no hope.

If I died tonight in my sleep it would the best thing that could happen to me...

Yes, I can imagine. Since we can't predict our future, our brain holds on to the possibility of something new . idk something magical that could save us. But it still hurts… because we can't fight against the survival instinct

I saw your post on her profile page. I feel terrible about Raphtalia as well.Seems like they were very profoundly affected by the loss of sadworld.This is what I hate the most. The ones left behind having to pick up the pieces. It's of course no fault of the ones who decided to take the bus. But still, it's a very sad situation for the ones left behind.

Tragic
I really hope my post doesn't bother anyone .. I just wanted to bring their story back up.
Maybe, together, we can still hope that everything somehow turned out okay for them.
To me, this story is truly haunting.

 

[Dante_]

the original topic is really sad and important and worth consideration for everyone here

I do appreciate the discussion here since it touches on something we all think about within ourselves, the enormity of what this decision carries and whether we'll be fully accepting of our final choice, if we do arrive at that point.

Since we can't predict our future, our brain holds on to the possibility of something new . idk something magical that could save us. But it still hurts… because we can't fight against the survival instinct

While i'd be inclined to agree that we cannot predict the future, I doubt anything magical exists to save us at all for one and two, survival instinct is often seen as the one thing too difficult to get past but awareness of what holds one back is important to, could be fear of failure or the thought of loved ones in grief after you're gone, a matter of introspection is what really matters before making any choice that ends all possibilities of any others.

 

[thaelyana]

I do appreciate the discussion here since it touches on something we all think about within ourselves, the enormity of what this decision carries and whether we'll be fully accepting of our final choice, if we do arrive at that point.

While i'd be inclined to agree that we cannot predict the future, I doubt anything magical exists to save us at all for one and two, survival instinct is often seen as the one thing too difficult to get past but awareness of what holds one back is important to, could be fear of failure or the thought of loved ones in grief after you're gone, a matter of introspection is what really matters before making any choice that ends all possibilities of any others.

Thank you for your reply… it's thoughtful and really resonates with me You're right! It's not always just the survival instinct itself, but everything behind it but the fear of what we leave behind, the pain we might cause others, even the fear of failing at this too… ? I don't know. These are all things worth acknowledging.
And Like you said, it's incredibly hard to do when you're already at your lowest.

Ty, I really appreciate our conversations .. bcs Ibelieve they already carry a lot of value.

 

[Dante_]

but everything behind it but the fear of what we leave behind, the pain we might cause others, even the fear of failing at this too… ? I don't know. These are all things worth acknowledging.
And Like you said, it's incredibly hard to do when you're already at your lowest.

And its so individual but in the end, there will be a part of you that will try to hold on until it can't anymore...whether its loss of hope or closure in terms of any possibility of getting better or having a sense of assurance from a method (even then, who knows if it'll work because its taking a gamble on the future, just one where you wont exist anymore).

 

[thaelyana]

I really love your perspective and the way you express things.. thank you, it's truly meaningful. I totally agree with you! :)

It's crazy how part of our own mind can be in conflict with itself. It reminds me of that feeling when someone is drowning and instinctively starts fighting to breathe : even if they intentionally walked into the water !! The body fights, even when the mind gave up. That contradiction is so deeply human.