encore
“but eternity is far too cruel a fate for you, Ei”
- Nov 14, 2024
- 133
before i met him, i thought that something was wrong within me. i never understood how it feels to love a person. i mean, i most certainly loved things, i loved fictional characters, i was constantly full of love for the smallest things and despite feeling hopeless and unsatisfied my entire life, i felt okay. i felt like i could take this life, that surviving day after day was manageable. i never envisioned the way he would change my life, i never envisioned this being my new "normal". i miss me. i miss the way i was. i miss the way my head felt when it wasnt constantly weighed down with this love and grief, feelings so profound i cant get out of bed and nothing seems to help me. no amount of time passing seems to fill that hole, or rather, calm down this storm of emotions in me.
my life changed on the 3rd of June 2024, and it has never felt the same since. this person destroyed any and all semblance of "myself" i had before we met. but god, do i still love them. i still crave them, their presence, the way being with them felt, our profound and genuine friendship, our deep bond. i miss every small thing and detail i got to find out about him. he made me realize just how much i despise people. he made me realize why i could never fall in love before, because all those people were not him. they didnt have his soul, they didnt have his personality, his past, his dreams and beliefs, they didnt have the kindness and empathy and love for this world that he had, despite seeing and being subjected to the ugliest parts of it.
he truly never understood just how beautiful he was and still is to me. and i hate that i still see him this way, that despite all the damage he did to me, my heart still calls out for him every single minute of every single day. i can't stop those feelings. everywhere i go, our memories follow, and no matter how many letters i write, it only gets more and more difficult. this love feels like a curse. i feel as though nobody was ever meant to be as loyal, loving and devoted as i have been to him. and now that i've lost everything, i am left to pick up my own pieces and figure out how to manage and navigate this new version of me - this new version of my life.
my life changed on the 3rd of June 2024, and it has never felt the same since. this person destroyed any and all semblance of "myself" i had before we met. but god, do i still love them. i still crave them, their presence, the way being with them felt, our profound and genuine friendship, our deep bond. i miss every small thing and detail i got to find out about him. he made me realize just how much i despise people. he made me realize why i could never fall in love before, because all those people were not him. they didnt have his soul, they didnt have his personality, his past, his dreams and beliefs, they didnt have the kindness and empathy and love for this world that he had, despite seeing and being subjected to the ugliest parts of it.
he truly never understood just how beautiful he was and still is to me. and i hate that i still see him this way, that despite all the damage he did to me, my heart still calls out for him every single minute of every single day. i can't stop those feelings. everywhere i go, our memories follow, and no matter how many letters i write, it only gets more and more difficult. this love feels like a curse. i feel as though nobody was ever meant to be as loyal, loving and devoted as i have been to him. and now that i've lost everything, i am left to pick up my own pieces and figure out how to manage and navigate this new version of me - this new version of my life.
