Venting The consequences of my actions.

[Droso]

I am a transsexual male (female to male) and I've been dealing with uterine atrophy from my testosterone. Because my estrogen is very suppressed, the female sex organs start to atrophy after a while. It's painful both in the physical sense and in the emotional sense (dysphoria inducing to be reminded of what I have).

The only treatment for this would be estrogen topical cream which is just fucking horrible, especially since you have to put it on your damn genitals directly. I didn't want to do that, so I decided that I would up my dose from 80mg to 100mg to see if I could aromatize some of the testosterone into estrogen to help.

Well… it DID aromatize. And my atrophy hasn't been as painful or constant as before. But it aromatized way too much and now I can FEEL my estrogen levels being raised.

For a lot of trans people, their natal dominant hormones will cause a physiological dysphoria. Basically.. their brain feels bad being in their natal hormone dominant environment. In fact, when I started testosterone I felt as if I could actually think clearly for the first time.

So now that my estrogen levels are raised, I feel more depressed than ever. My brain basically refuses to function correctly in terms of executive functioning (I already have ADHD which sucks). And not to mention that I feel way more emotional and sensitive whereas I don't when my testosterone levels are high.

It sucks and all I can think about is ctb. I have classes and I just keep skipping them. Idk how the hell I functioned for 17 years without high testosterone in my system, I feel like I've been fucking nerfed.

 

[SadGirl]

Man, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am a lesbian woman, I can really understand your pain. But I think you've already managed to be who you really are, and that's a great victory in your life, seriously, I say this because I have a male friend who is also trans, but a trans woman. Well, he's my best friend, the best, I really love him. Well, I don't know what to say, I'm just saying to try to hang in there, get treatments and whatever is necessary, you know? But what I want to say is that you have already managed to be who you really are. This is a step that thousands of people like us don't take, due to prejudice, fear, etc... Don't give up man, keep moving forward. You would say the same to me, but today I decided that I'm going to end everything, I still have a way to go back, I don't want to die, nobody does. But I could move on too and take care of my problems... But the only people I have shit on me, humiliate me, fight, judge me, and guess what if someone asks how I'm really doing? They call me a drug addict, but no one asks me about the pain behind drugs. Anyway, don't give up my friend, if I can get out of here, wherever I am, I'll be happy for you anyway. Big hug to you, and be strong and courageous. I have this phrase with me but I can't be strong anymore, I'm already too tired.

 

[Droso]

Man, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am a lesbian woman, I can really understand your pain. But I think you've already managed to be who you really are, and that's a great victory in your life, seriously, I say this because I have a male friend who is also trans, but a trans woman. Well, he's my best friend, the best, I really love him. Well, I don't know what to say, I'm just saying to try to hang in there, get treatments and whatever is necessary, you know? But what I want to say is that you have already managed to be who you really are. This is a step that thousands of people like us don't take, due to prejudice, fear, etc... Don't give up man, keep moving forward. You would say the same to me, but today I decided that I'm going to end everything, I still have a way to go back, I don't want to die, nobody does. But I could move on too and take care of my problems... But the only people I have shit on me, humiliate me, fight, judge me, and guess what if someone asks how I'm really doing? They call me a drug addict, but no one asks me about the pain behind drugs. Anyway, don't give up my friend, if I can get out of here, wherever I am, I'll be happy for you anyway. Big hug to you, and be strong and courageous. I have this phrase with me but I can't be strong anymore, I'm already too tired.

No, you do not understand because you are a cis woman and I'm a trans man. Being trans is different than being a lesbian. Also you misgendering your trans female friend tells me even further you do not understand, especially since you called her male. Also I do not care for the rest of the sentiment of staying strong, I have already decided to ctb, but need to find the optimal time.

 

[SadGirl]

No, you do not understand because you are a cis woman and I'm a trans man. Being trans is different than being a lesbian. Also you misgendering your trans female friend tells me even further you do not understand, especially since you called her male. Also I do not care for the rest of the sentiment of staying strong, I have already decided to ctb, but need to find the optimal time.

Ok, I may not understand you what it's like to be trans because I don't fit into that concept, and that's okay, we're on the same team. About my friend, he is still a man, until then he acts like one. As my best friend, he said that when he changes his name and finally has the body he dreams of, then he can call me by my feminine name. If you don't know the story, don't judge too soon...
Well, I hope you find the peace you are looking for, wherever you are. Take care.

 

[bankai]

That sounds really tough. Brutal. Hope it gets better soon.

 

[StrugglingSienna]

I'm so sorry you're going through that pain but it at least makes me feel less alone that transsexual guys have similar physical pains. It happens less often now that I've been on E for a while but my occasionally my fucking testicles will be in so much fucking pain like I just got punched there. Wish science would just fucking catch up so we could donate our bits to eachother. I don't think that'll happen in our lifetimes so CTB it is.