the big grief - a blog???

[mundanejane]

Well...

It is definitely ironic. He killed himself the night before he was supposed to fly out to see me.

He freaked out over something small that, to him, seemed so big and life ending.
I cant even blame him. I have done the same exact thing and could have very well died in a similar way myself.
His last words were that he doesnt feel bad, he threw up his method right away but alas...

So now, it is the second day of work without him. I usually check in every break and lunch.

I cried harder today, the grief is static around my aura picking at my heart chakra like hungry vultures.

I can only get so high, I can only distract myself so much...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's also a very accurate phrase I imagine for a lot of people: 'I can only distract myself so much'.

 

[bankai]

Words really aren't enough in these situations. You must be stricken with overwhelming grief. I'm so sorry.

 

[mundanejane]

this will be the third work day without him..

im starting my moon cycle soon and he was always there to support me through the pain

I also have PMDD which he profusely researched because he wanted to understand and help me better, in any way he could

i was alone before him, he entered my heart and lit up all the dark places

he knew about my DID and alters, they are.. pissed is an understatement

i have stated making and editing videos again so thats a ..plus?

i did a transmutation spell to shatter false illusions a night or two ago, we will see how that manifests

also going to work stoned for the very first time -- wish me luck!

 

[shroomia]

I'm so sorry for your loss the pain must be unbearable. My girlfriend killed herself as well and the grief absolutely destroyed me. I can understand how you must be feeling rn and I'm so sorry

 

[mundanejane]

i dont want to live but,

it just spreads the pain. and as much as i dont like my parents; i dont ever want them to feel this way.

in a weird way, i can appreciate how my life is filled with such love and wonder. but all of it would be without him.

King Belial (read;demonolatry) said that this is apart of our spiritual bootcamp. Not him ctb but HOW i react to it and what i decide to do.
I stopped drinking. I dont plan on hurting myself but its on my mind.... a lot. you know what i mean.

i dont know where his soul went, i really dont feel him here. well, part of me does but im also stoned and a bit psychotic rn.
i know if i ctb, we wont reunite so ...yea

but at the same time, holding up just enough to be TRULY ok. Experiencing grief is going to be a rollercoaster but others have gone through it so i should prob reach out somewhere?

here is a song that was on the playlist i made him, i think ill share more stuff maybe

p.s. getting stoned at work was a GREAT idea, at least sativa.

(and thank you everyone)

 

[Alexandra0]

My condolences on your loss. May he rest in peace

 

[mundanejane]

i have a three day weekend, i have so much cleaning and catching up to do but i dont care about any of it.

ive started talking to him out loud, that helped me get some tears out last night.

what an asshole...

to be fair, before he died, i felt the same way about my weekends and didnt care.
i have to build self discipline somehow w my ADHD fucking around...