Help Terrified that I have BPD

[RosebyAnyName]

I am not currently diagnosed with BPD, but no way am I going to speak with a psych. I don't trust them to not just slap on the BPD label regardless of what I say.

I'm terrified that I have BPD because I relate to some (but not all) of the criteria. Particularly, fear of abandonment, unstable sense of self, and stress-related paranoia / dissociation. I also somewhat relate to: unstable relationships, mood instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, and anger problems. I hate the idea of having BPD because I'd have no hope of recovering.

I was previously diagnosed with autism through my own pursuits as an adult, and autism does run a lot in the family (only the boys are diagnosed though, and I'm female). Originally I pursued an autism diagnosis due to social difficulties, emotional dysregluation ("highly sensitive", + childhood anger management issues), and even physical sensitivity (I sometimes wear my clothes inside-out when I needed to concentrate, + I struggle to concentrate in loud / busy settings).

Recently I was friends with another woman and started to develop feelings for her / thought she was interested too (she mentioned she dated women), so I asked her out. She said no, but I was ok with staying friends. Then, while she continued to accept my invitations to places, she stopped inviting me to places and basically didn't reach out. I started to worry she was just trying to "let me off easy" and hated me, so I stopped all contact and she never reached out again.

I was so devastated by this that I started to wonder: "is this splitting?" Was it too soon for me to tell her I really valued her friendship after only 8 months of being friends? Am I clingy? After we stopped being friends and it finally settled in a week or two later, I was so suicidal (but not wanting to attempt at that time) that I started seriously neglecting my health for months after.

But it's not just recently. I had friends in gradeschool, highschool, post-secondary, etc. but in retrospect there was always one friend who I liked more than anyone else but I'd realize I was closer to her than she was to me. I never really "split" on them in the sense that I started to lash out and despise them, but I more just despised myself for feeling so attached to someone who didn't feel the same way and not realizing it until after the fact. This same phenomenon has been persistent for my whole life. Is it just me being a lesbian and finding women attractive or is it splitting / being obsessive? Is it both and I'm just fucked up?

I hate myself and reject myself a lot. Sometimes I will come across my own posts and think "huh? who's this?" Aside from the fact that a message would be attached to my username, I would assume someone else wrote it.

I'm always censoring myself and putting myself down to try and fit in.
"Haha no I don't love cats *that* much, I'm not a crazy cat lady" (I want to live alone and get at least three cats the second I move out.)
"I'm into alt fashion, but I know it makes me look weird and stupid so it's fine if people don't want to hang out with me in public." (in actuality, it hurts my feelings a lot)

Now whenever I share my interests, I try to act like I don't care. Heck, with that ex friend I mentioned earlier, I remember often saying something along the lines of "it's ok if you only like me because of this one shared interest we have" even though evidently I ended up feeling more. Am I bad? Was I manipulating her? I don't think I was doing it intentionally but now the idea that I was doing it intentionally haunts me. Do I just manipulate people because I know I'm unlovable otherwise?

Often I'll spend at least half an hour carefully writing a message and making sure it's legible, otherwise my posts end up like this one: long, nonsensical, "ramble-y", etc. and usually I edit like crazy in the hopes it will make people listen to me more but is *that* manipulative? Is using emotionally charged language manipulative? Is *intentionally* using emotional language manipulative?

I've considered I might have OCD too. When I got my autism diagnosis, I was "suspected strongly for OCD" with it. I always need reassurance, I always feel I want people to tell me that what I feel is real and what I think is normal, but then when they tell me my feelings are exaggerated or what I think is weird I get extremely upset. Even if I get reassurance instead, it doesn't make me feel better. For example: "What's wrong with me?" -> get autism diagnosis -> "now I finally know what's wrong with me." -> feel better for a couple months -> "but is it really autism??? what if it's BPD?"

It's like my obsession is with knowing the truth about myself, and my compulsion is to get reassurance from others. But isn't that also just BPD / "unstable sense of self?"

I'm so scared there's something deeply wrong and unfixable about me. I keep telling myself there's nothing wrong, but then why am I so miserable and alone? Why am I unable to understand myself or keep friends? If I was fixable, then why haven't my persistent efforts led anywhere?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

If I was fixable, then why haven't my persistent efforts led anywhere?

For some people, even targeted therapies for things like BPD (DBT for example) can't get you where you need to be. The majority of Borderlines I know also rely on medications like mood stabilizers.

Your efforts not working doesn't mean you're doomed. Maybe you need more support.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

For some people, even targeted therapies for things like BPD (DBT for example) can't get you where you need to be. The majority of Borderlines I know also rely on medications like mood stabilizers.

Your efforts not working doesn't mean you're doomed. Maybe you need more support.

If you mean "more support" as in medication, then honestly I'm on the fence about it. I tend to have really negative reactions to medications. I had already tried SSRIs, and that seems to be the only thing anyone in my area is willing prescribe, honestly I'm not confident that mood stabilizers / anti anxiety meds / antipsychotics will help me even if they seem good in theory. My experiences with SSRIs weren't great.

Only substance I'd be willing to try is shrooms / psylocibin. I've had overall positive experiences with shrooms despite the side effects, unlike other drugs where the side effects never seemed worth it. Probably not the "objectively correct" answer but I'm really not seeing the value in other drugs.

As for other forms of support, I feel like the time for that is long and gone. I definitely wish I had more support when I was a child, now I'm in my late 20s and any kind of "support" that isn't substances feels pointless. My brain has already decided what it wants to be.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

If you mean "more support" as in medication, then honestly I'm on the fence about it. I tend to have really negative reactions to medications. I had already tried SSRIs, and that seems to be the only thing anyone in my area is willing prescribe, honestly I'm not confident that mood stabilizers / anti anxiety meds / antipsychotics will help me even if they seem good in theory. My experiences with SSRIs weren't great.

Only substance I'd be willing to try is shrooms / psylocibin. I've had overall positive experiences with shrooms despite the side effects, unlike other drugs where the side effects never seemed worth it. Probably not the "objectively correct" answer but I'm really not seeing the value in other drugs.

As for other forms of support, I feel like the time for that is long and gone. I definitely wish I had more support when I was a child, now I'm in my late 20s and any kind of "support" that isn't substances feels pointless. My brain has already decided what it wants to be.

Me and a family member have BPD, and mood stabilizers have worked for us, but I get it. It's your body, take care of it—just don't be afraid to try if your only other option is killing yourself.

DBT helped me, even with just learning how it works on my own. I have never had a DBT specialist, but I have been given resources by my current specialist, and I have also used multiple workbooks to learn more.

Support isn't meant to fix what your childhood caused, but to make it bearable and find to a way to live in a new way.

 

[4colliez]

I want to say first and foremost that it is entirely possible to go into remission for BPD. No it can't be cured entirely but you can get to a point where you medically won't fit the criteria for BPD anymore.

Now I will speak entirely from personal experience; from what I've experienced BPD is often an"last resort" diagnosis given once every other option has been explored. BPD has many similar symptoms to autism which is why one is often misdiagnosed as the other. Secondly, everyone experiences symptoms of BPD because they are all basic human emotions/reactions, the intensity at which you feel them and how that affects your day to day life is way more telling than "I'm scared of being alone" because honestly most people are scared of rejection/abandonment for example.

It can be helped through therapy and medication but it demands a lot of work and will. I went through intensive therapy & DBT which had helped me a lot, I am an entirely different person than when I was first diagnosed . I still have a lot of work to do and I still suffer a lot but I have made great progress. I also have a very bad experience with medication and I have entirely stopped using them and rely on the skills I learned in therapy. I was very lucky because my country is known to be bad regarding mental health but I had a very kind psychiatrist and was surrounded by other people with BPD who actually wanted to get better and were all very kind and supportive. It's best to go to psychiatrists/therapists/programs who deal specifically with personality disorders. Even if you don't have BPD, DBT is able to help with a lot of different things.

BPD is very stigmatised but you never see much of the success stories or people who go into remission. You only see the bad and the people who use it as a weapon, who go on about never being able to get better, who do horrible things "because of the disorder" but there is soooo much more to it. Everyone lives it differently and you are not terrible or unfixable because you may have it. Just know you're not alone, I've been there too, and there are many of us who just look for understanding where we won't be judged because of a diagnosis

 

[RosebyAnyName]

No offense but my reading of these responses so far is that I definitely have BPD and I'm beyond fucked and people are just too scared to tell me. I asked if I'm normal, not how I can cope with being fucked up.

I'm not interested in "recovering" from BPD, because you can't. BPD can't be cured. I'm interested in discovering that life won't be an endless struggle and that there's a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn't require constant work and upkeep and that life will get easier, or killing myself. I'm already exhausted just living, no way I'm willingly going to stick around with the "you might as well just kill yourself for everyone else's benefit" disorder. Abelism / internalized abelism / stigma be damned but I would rather be dead than told my brain is fucked up and I just have to cope harder.

 

[Moniker]

This was an awkward read for me. My experiences are almost beat-for-beat identical to yours. The only major differences are that I'm a guy and I've never been checked for things like autism or OCD.

Honestly, the whole incurable eternal self-hatred aspect of it is only a fraction of the reason I loathe suspecting I've got BPD. It's the stigma around it that fucks me up so badly. It's like telling people you're a sociopath, except now literally EVERYONE, friends and medical professionals, will treat you like shit. None of your feelings are valid. No one will see you as a person. Getting a diagnosis would genuinely ruin my life.

Blowing my brains out feels way easier than dealing with that shit.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Well, after a bit of research, I've come to the conclusion that I most likely have AVPD. While BPD and AVPD have some overlap, and while I meet some of the BPD criteria, I meet all of the AVPD criteria. It's a cluster C disorder, so it's anxiety-based.

There are 7 criteria, and you need to meet four:
1. Avoidance of frequent / repeated contact due to fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. Unwilling to start new relationships unless there is a certainty of being liked
3. Restraint in relationships due to fear of being ridiculed or shamed
4. Preoccupation with criticism and rejection
5. Inhibition in new interpersonal situations due to feelings of inadequacy
6. Low self-confidence, belief that one is inferior or unappealing to others
7. Reluctance to take personal risks that can result in embarassment or perceived failure

I meet all of these criteria. In fact, there's even an extra observed phenomenon not directly mentioned in the criteria that some people with AVPD, when they do feel "safe" in a relationship, can become overbearing or overtly nurturing in a way that's similar to BPD though usually not as extreme. Essentially, people-pleasing. "I finally secured a relationship, now I need to constantly prove myself worthy so they don't leave." You'd think AVPD is more like being a sociopath or a misanthrope / being cold towards others, but in practice it can present more like a social anxiety disorder on steroids. Individuals can still craves intimacy while having AVPD (craving intimacy does not disqualify you from the criteria). I've also heard it's correlated with having overbearing / critical parents and an overtly critical childhood enviroment, which also matches my experiences.

Personality disorders cannot be cured, I'm fucked. Although, the general outlook for cluster C disorders is apparently better than with cluster A and B disorders, I still hate this and I hate myself and I cannot be fixed. Still seems like a hell of a lot of work for nothing, why did it have to be me?

 

[FoxSauce]

As a person who is female and has bpd. If ypu have your reservations and questions dont be afraid to ask.

If your psychiatrist is a person you can trust then do so. Ofc is not curable but can be managed with DBT medication can help as well benzos antidepressants and mood stabilizer, Lithium has helped me alot. Ofc is not a easy fix takes a lot of will power to self regulate with the right techniques. Ofc is different for many people.

Ask all the questions you have seriously. Ik it may feel like my world is ending but your not alone it can feel overwhelming.

I hope I dont sound like hella positive bpd can suck ass sometimes I wont lie but I hope you are able to get your answers.

Ofc idk in different countries how it is diagnose for me was very extensive, Im talking about 2 paper tests, questions and personality test. So idk how it may be for you.

Hope this helps