tbh i've kinda forgotten why i'm even suicidal in the first place lol

[Cauliflour]

I used to have a clear reasoning as to why I thought and acted the things I did. But I've been like this for so long and throughout my teenagehood that if someone asked me "why do you want to kill yourself?" all I could really answer is that I'm a freak who would love to feel the thrill of dying and that I hate myself. Why do I love the idea of dying? I don't know! Why do I hate myself? Cause I'm shit! How can therapy and "kind words" help me when I'm so far gone that it's not even clear what supposed to be helped anymore? I used to keep track of how many "fucked up thoughts" I had in a day but it got to the point where I was so unclear on what ever qualified and how many that I just gave up. I am so detached from myself nowadays that therapy isn't gonna do shit. All this "talk about your feelings!" nonsense must be so easy for you huh? And I don't trust drugs considering caffiene makes my suicidal thoughts ramp up so much to the point I can barely focus on anything anymore, so I avoid coffee like the plague now. I don't even remember when all of this started really. I used to think it was after my suicide attempt that I got all fucked in the brain, but then I look back at old discord messages and no, no I've been like this for years now, I just for some reason see my younger selves as "healthier" cause they didn't need to cover their arms full of cuts every week to not feel depressed and unmotivated. Hell, I've been cutting like I have for so long that I'm forgetting why I even like it in the first place, so my thoughts of it are like this vague blur of an "emotion" that I can't for the life of me understand. It's a shame cause cutting used to be one of the few things that I could easily identify in terms of feelings but I guess I haven't gone deep enough to keep this addiction working.

But I've learned that people don't want complicated reasoning like that: they want a checkbox they can neatly tick from a list of common causes.

 

[sanctionedusage]

thank u for writing what'll be the realest post on sasu all month. i love reading about people with self awareness

 

[Cauliflour]

thank u for writing what'll be the realest post on sasu all month. i love reading about people with self awareness

I think it's down to overexposure. Romance is one of the few feelings I can easily identify still, and I think that's mostly due to it being a strong emotion that only pops up occasionally (I've never had a girlfriend). I guess the strength of suicidal feelings has faded off like how drug addicts need stronger doses when their body gets used to the current dose. I don't know how to feel about that cause on 1 hand it means I don't have to worry about overwhelming feelings much anymore if my brain has increased it's tolorence for self loathing, but on the other hand now I'm terrified of getting into a relationship cause what if that feeling of love gets used so much that my stupid autistic retarted brain starts making that into an unexplainable blur like almost everything else. Alexithymia is horrible yet it's a symptom of autism people don't talk about and when they do, it's either to say we're all emotionless freaks, or to be like my dad who thinks not being able to identify emotions is a good thing because "it's good to not be overemotional".

 

[sanctionedusage]

I think it's down to overexposure. Romance is one of the few feelings I can easily identify still, and I think that's mostly due to it being a strong emotion that only pops up occasionally (I've never had a girlfriend). I guess the strength of suicidal feelings has faded off like how drug addicts need stronger doses when their body gets used to the current dose. I don't know how to feel about that cause on 1 hand it means I don't have to worry about overwhelming feelings much anymore if my brain has increased it's tolorence for self loathing, but on the other hand now I'm terrified of getting into a relationship cause what if that feeling of love gets used so much that my stupid autistic retarted brain starts making that into an unexplainable blur like almost everything else. Alexithymia is horrible yet it's a symptom of autism people don't talk about and when they do, it's either to say we're all emotionless freaks, or to be like my dad who thinks not being able to identify emotions is a good thing because "it's good to not be overemotional".

well the feeling of love does 'deteriorate,' 'blur,' or kind of blend into the background for NT people as well. along with that, it gets increasingly complicated the longer you spend with someone, the initial 90% positive image you have of someone getting muddied with the reality, disappointment in who they are outside of the idealization you had in your head. im not at all saying this is the same as full blown alexithymia. but the typical experience isn't clean, objective, and nicely categorical either. type of emotion, severity, reason— all arbitrary measures of a feeling that's mostly subconscious, even for the most introspective. honestly, they'll tell you it's a disability to not be able to identify these, but when you do, they call you overly detached, clinical, and say "you're intellectualizing." i could be talking out of my ass and secretly im equally as autistic though. if what im saying isnt just subjective anecdote though, i think the only people who can avoid this are people who aren't prone to overthinking, or thinking, at all.