Venting Tales of isolation. Part vent, part asking for help / people who can relate.

[Isolated Parasite]

I'm gonna try and keep this brief, though I have a tendency to ramble.

I've thought about CTB for over half my life. I've been diagnosed with depression and C-PTSD. I've coped my entire life, though I've been to the hospital twice, the last time being late last year. I have been on a downhill slide the last 2-3 years at this point, especially the last 1-2 and these last 5-6 months have been mental hell. I am numb to the point of complete exhaustion. I've felt numb or "void" as long as I can remember but now I've lost any resemblance of feeling connected to ANYTHING, people, places, things, hobbies, interests, etc. I am somehow extremely emotionally unstable while still feeling nothing internally. I have isolated the last 3-4 months or so, only seeing the people I live with for very very little of the day (maybe an hour) and I barely talk to anyone else because at this point no one in my life understands what I'm going through, have been through, or they just outright ignore me, I also see people when I go to the store or something but I don't count that, I interact with as few people as possible in as short of time as I can in places like that. It doesn't really feel like social anxiety, it just feels like I don't exist or at least don't want to exist, and a big piece of that is interaction. I can feel my brain turning to sludge inside of my own skull and I don't know what to do. Obviously this amount of isolation is killing me, but I don't know how to change at this point, but I want to.

Basically, what this has come down to, and has been for as long as I can remember, is I'm basically only living so I don't devastate those around me and partially because I'm scared of death. Part of me thinks that it'll get better, the other parts of my brain and my history show otherwise. I haven't actively thought of CTB these last couple weeks though today I basically wrote a note on my computer in case anyone were to find it after my death, so take that as you will, doesn't make much sense to me either. Regardless of if I'm "actively thinking about it" or not, my desire for death grows daily. I need an amount of help at this point that I can't find anywhere, not with friends, family, therapy, or medication. I'm entirely at a loss. I've never talked to anyone in my entire life that has also thought about death like this severely or chronically, or has felt this way. Essentially this post that I'm making right now is a cry for help. To put it clearly, I want to live more than I want to die, for the time being and the foreseeable future. All this being said and with as serious as this is, none of it feels real, not life, not myself, not anything.

Is there any piece of what I wrote that you resonate with? I just need to know that I'm not alone. Also my brain is sludge to the point where I'm not even sure if any of what I wrote makes sense, although I have proof read it a couple times.

 

[snooperdooper]

I can relate with some aspects of your story. I sympathize with what you are going through and hope that you find the help you need. From personal experience finding this community has helped cope with my depression, but doesn't alleviate any of the suicidal ideation I feel. Take from that what you will.

What needs to happen to cure my depression is an impossibility so I relate to the feeling that nothing will help you get better. Although I don't wish to continue living in this body and in this life, I would like to experience life in a more suitable body that doesn't bring me torment and pain. I don't know if that's what you're specifically experiencing, but I'm assuming if you didn't have depression and C-PTSD you would be fine.

What you wrote makes complete sense to me, and I was able to relate to a lot of it. So, don't worry, you still have that part of you intact.

 

[enjoythesilence]

I am somehow extremely emotionally unstable while still feeling nothing internally.

What I related to in your post was … mostly all of it, and especially the above; it's been my default setting for too long now, a deep internal glitch that can't be alleviated. I've reached the point where I'm so over people and life and manufactured distractions I no longer have the internal want or energy to try. I have family members who somehow recovered their life wish after mental unwellness, but they're unable to explain this magical recovery process and I feel more and more alienated from them as time goes on. You've articulated your pain very clearly, and hopefully (that cringey word) sharing and venting can relieve some of your burden.