Venting Take me out

[Suizid]

Can't stand working a job but also hate being unemployed. Can't be alone, but hate how i feel when i'm around others. Fuck.

I know deep down that by CTB i'm actually doing myself a favor. I Feel like i'm paralyzed, as if i'm in a wheelchair, not able to live life freely. Just existing. I try to change my Situation but i'm already 28 and although i did so much i'm still at the same Spot. It's gotten even worse.

I had no job, was in rehabilitation for panic attacks and a suicide attempt. Now i have a job, earn good money but i still want to die everyday. I had no friends and was lonely, but when i did find friends it was too overwhelming for me and i isolated myself to the point where i'm friendless again.

I feel like if god exists, he hates me and wants me to suffer until i go crazy for his entertainment or sum.

 

[LighthouseHermit]

I feel like if god exists, he hates me and wants me to suffer until i go crazy for his entertainment or sum.

Yeah, I feel the same a lot. So sorry you feel that way. It sucks

 

[unluckysadness]

Yeah, I feel the same a lot. So sorry you feel that way. It sucks

Same. I'm in constant anxiety / stress / pain 24/7. I just want peace and physical & emotional relief.
I believe in karma, and I wonder if I wasn't a nazi in a previous life to deserve all this shit...

 

[LighthouseHermit]

I believe in karma, and I wonder if I wasn't a nazi in a previous life to deserve all this shit...

Yeah, I often think that too. If so, it's incredibly unfair punishing someone for something they have no memory of. At the same time, what is more cruel than that?

 

[unluckysadness]

Yeah, I often think that too. If so, it's incredibly unfair punishing someone for something they have no memory of. At the same time, what is more cruel than that?

the worst thing is that I ask for forgiveness if I was really a nazi in a past life... but the universe seems to not care because things are getting worse...

 

[liquid jen]

Can't be alone, but hate how i feel when i'm around others.

You're not alone in this feeling. It's so confusing and frustrating, I dont understand how my brain works at all.

I feel like if god exists, he hates me and wants me to suffer until i go crazy for his entertainment or sum.

I'm not religious at all, but I had a dream once where I died and ended up in Heaven's waiting room (Purgatory?) And an angel came to speak to me. I asked her why a God would allow so much suffering to happen to humans if he supposedly loved us. She scoffed and told me that he doesn't love us. We were made for entertainment alone. That God was a sadist and tortured us for fun.
Again, don't believe in a God, but if there is one he is surely like how that angel described.

 

[batmanreal]

i relate so much, i've probably vented about this exact issue before. there's just nothing that can make me happy. i identify something that's making me depressed, i fix it... but i either remain unhappy or end up feeling so much worse. i thought i'd be a lot happier after achieving a steady income, but it doesn't make me feel much better. being able to sustain myself and blow money on stupid shit is fun, i'm grateful for it, but i still want to die. my job makes me even more suicidal anyway, so it doesn't even feel worth it.
i did feel happier when i had friends, but they all left me because that's what people do. human interaction is what made me happy, now it just leaves me so drained and depressed. despite everything, i'm still constantly craving human connection.

improvement isn't possible. every step i take towards betterment just makes things worse, no matter what that step is. i'll just be stuck in this headspace forver, regardless of any changes. it's so unfair and honestly comical. everything going wrong, every possible positive in life becoming so extremely negative—it's a joke, like something out of a cartoon or sitcom. remaining in the same spot, doing the same thing with no deviation is my only option because any changes will just lead to more misery.

i'm sorry you have to experience this, i hope you feel the slightest bit of comfort knowing that there are people out there who can relate.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Same. I'm in constant anxiety / stress / pain 24/7. I just want peace and physical & emotional relief.
I believe in karma, and I wonder if I wasn't a nazi in a previous life to deserve all this shit...

Same. Right down to wondering if I was some kind of extermination camp commander in a previous life and thus condemned to suffer for all eternity for my sins. I really do sometimes wonder if this entire universe is a prison and that I exist for no reason other than to suffer in pure agony for the entertainment of the cosmos while being unable to claw my way out.