dropdeadfred
Boarding the bus to Everlasting Dreamland ♡
- Oct 19, 2020
- 255
I want to start off by saying that I am neither a religious or spiritual person. I am open- I suppose you could call me agnostic. I believe that energy can manifest & do as it pleases, whenever & however it wants (I mean, everything is energy & look at how crazy this shit is. Ups & downs galore; constant flux.)
To me, synchronicity is powerful... like a "meant to be" feeling, which is not a concept I subscribe to but it's the closest I can come up with. When things appear to/do align, it's hard to dismiss that things, indeed, feel aligned in reaction to & it can feel good as fuck.
Been struggling with peace to exist, to die... neither feels quite right, but I know which one is necessary. So, it would be that my daughter would start emitting the most beautiful, original poetry I'd ever heard last night, lasting for minutes. Her words were like a blanket to my wounded soul & it felt like that experience induced some kind of catharsis in me. I can't help but feel that she has come to terms with, to the best of her ability, my darkness; my "demons" if you will, without actually knowing them like I do. Intuition? Possible within the realm of energy. There was a sense that she accepts my pain, a pain that she could never know; this joyful, inquisitive child who loves life. Last night felt like an validating play within/by the universe... alignment.
Foreword on, my SN arrived today, one day earlier than expected. I rarely walk to the mail (usually drive & stop on my way out). Of course, on my journey to the mailbox, there were 7-10 crows/ravens chilling on the road as I walked to my destination & flew toward a cold, dim-ish silky cotton sky to a rooftop as I approached. These are the birds that I have for some reason always associated the most with death. It was kind of majestic. I never see crows/ravens around my house.
I grab my package containing my newly chosen death powder & I feel calm: almost happy-like. I did not expect that at all.
Fast forward to package opening: 99.6% pure bottled SN, 4 oz. Feeling like, "Holy damn, shit just got real." Mixed emotions follow. Get on SS & see older thread pertaining to SN that I had not seen before that I really, really needed to read. Who bumped it? The one member who deliberately attempted to make me feel like shit for simply being a human being. Leads to extra gratitude for SN in possession, while sure it will be no picnic, especially for me.
Day progresses into evening. Another financial hit to my life is uncovered. Synchronicity, synchronicity.
Feeling calm & accepting of all that is. There was never much I could do about the state of life in general anyway. Surrender? Maybe I'm starting to... less like force; more like letting go hopefully in the way Gene Sprague appeared to.
P.S. Dr. wouldn't give me benzos for sedation during panic attacks due to what she said was "high addiction rate" & gave me hydroxyzine in lieu of. I've researched some threads on hydro & SN without much takeaway. Curious how those with experience with this drug/knowledge think of its possible effectiveness when used with SN as a sedative (not as an antiemetic like most of the threads question.)
To me, synchronicity is powerful... like a "meant to be" feeling, which is not a concept I subscribe to but it's the closest I can come up with. When things appear to/do align, it's hard to dismiss that things, indeed, feel aligned in reaction to & it can feel good as fuck.
Been struggling with peace to exist, to die... neither feels quite right, but I know which one is necessary. So, it would be that my daughter would start emitting the most beautiful, original poetry I'd ever heard last night, lasting for minutes. Her words were like a blanket to my wounded soul & it felt like that experience induced some kind of catharsis in me. I can't help but feel that she has come to terms with, to the best of her ability, my darkness; my "demons" if you will, without actually knowing them like I do. Intuition? Possible within the realm of energy. There was a sense that she accepts my pain, a pain that she could never know; this joyful, inquisitive child who loves life. Last night felt like an validating play within/by the universe... alignment.
Foreword on, my SN arrived today, one day earlier than expected. I rarely walk to the mail (usually drive & stop on my way out). Of course, on my journey to the mailbox, there were 7-10 crows/ravens chilling on the road as I walked to my destination & flew toward a cold, dim-ish silky cotton sky to a rooftop as I approached. These are the birds that I have for some reason always associated the most with death. It was kind of majestic. I never see crows/ravens around my house.
I grab my package containing my newly chosen death powder & I feel calm: almost happy-like. I did not expect that at all.
Fast forward to package opening: 99.6% pure bottled SN, 4 oz. Feeling like, "Holy damn, shit just got real." Mixed emotions follow. Get on SS & see older thread pertaining to SN that I had not seen before that I really, really needed to read. Who bumped it? The one member who deliberately attempted to make me feel like shit for simply being a human being. Leads to extra gratitude for SN in possession, while sure it will be no picnic, especially for me.
Day progresses into evening. Another financial hit to my life is uncovered. Synchronicity, synchronicity.
Feeling calm & accepting of all that is. There was never much I could do about the state of life in general anyway. Surrender? Maybe I'm starting to... less like force; more like letting go hopefully in the way Gene Sprague appeared to.
P.S. Dr. wouldn't give me benzos for sedation during panic attacks due to what she said was "high addiction rate" & gave me hydroxyzine in lieu of. I've researched some threads on hydro & SN without much takeaway. Curious how those with experience with this drug/knowledge think of its possible effectiveness when used with SN as a sedative (not as an antiemetic like most of the threads question.)
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