tried to CTB again, i didn't quite get there. took alcohol and too many pills to count. i thought i'd black out like i did the first time, but i didn't. my body was burning and freezing at the same time, i started sweating profusely, every sweat droplet like a knife made of ice slashing my skin with ice cold burning cuts, my body was trembling viciously, my head felt like it was about to pop, my heart was beating faster than ever yet skipping so many beats at the same time. i held myself for about two hours, but then i started throwing up and they found me. rushed me to the ER, connected wires from my head down to my toes, poked all kinds of holes in me, inserted a tube through my nose all the way down to my stomach and got rid of the best stuff i had ingested in a long time, wish they had taken out whatever made me want to die in the first place, but they must've forgotten. spent a few more days in the hospital, on watch 24/7. every nurse and doctor there looked at me like i was insane, but that made the hospital feel like home, everyone at home looks at me like that. i had never been hospitalized before, it's strange how you lose track of time. there were no windows in the room i was in, i'd think it was nighttime but then when i grabbed my phone it wasn't even noon yet. i all i did for days was claim i was anxious so they'd give me xanax and clonazepam. i'll never forget the faces of the nurses when they went to give me my meals, when they handed me a spoon instead of a fork and knife, they'd look into my eyes with the strangest type of pity i've ever seen. it's very hard to explain, but it was incredibly funny. they had me speaking to a psychiatrist, she heard the words coming out of my mouth, but she never listened to what i had to say. i said so much to her, but all she got from those words was that i was schizophrenic (?????). i am not, i never claimed to be, and never said anything that could've made her believe i was. she stared at me fixedly the entire time, and i couldn't help but stare back. she was young, not much older than me, she had big brown eyes and they revealed the truth: she pitied me. i think she was more focused on her pity for me than on whatever i had to say. oh how i hate pity, and it's what i will be confined to for so very long, since so many people in my life know of what i have done. anyways, i spent a few minutes convincing the doctor that i wasn't hearing things, or seeing things, but she thought it would be better if i was put in a clinic, regardless. my luck was that where i live apparently there aren't any psychiatric clinics that don't treat their patients like inmates, so i'm back home, under 24/7 surveillance, at least until they find a better alternative for me.
i left notes because i really thought i'd go this time. imagine how awkward it is for me now lol.
they say third time's the charm, right? next time i'll do it right and finish what i started.
i left notes because i really thought i'd go this time. imagine how awkward it is for me now lol.
they say third time's the charm, right? next time i'll do it right and finish what i started.
