steel-and-glass
Binary Suffering
- Feb 5, 2025
- 23
I want to CTB so badly but I can't and I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep pretending that there's anything to stay for, - we all die. Every one of us. There's no guarantee we'll even see tomorrow. I just want to get it over with.
But I can't. I don't have access to the necessary tools and supplies to use the methods that would overcome Our SI. It's been a year - exactly - since Our last attempt. My last attempt. All I can think of is how.... nice it was, in the limbo of the overnight hold after. I was given food, a place to lie down, crayons and coloring pages. I didn't want to leave. I still wish I were there. No expectations. No requests. No fear.
In the wake of that, Steel and I agreed there would be no more attempts. It wasn't worth the difficulty it caused everyone, and We wouldn't be able to go through with it anyways.
But even now I feel so.... empty. There are so many things We want to see, to know, to experience, but none of it feels worth surviving for.
So what do I do? What do We do? Keep pretending we want to stay until We can finally leave? Keep knowing there's nothing that feels worth existing for and having to go through the motions anyways? Obviously, yes. Obviously, that's what We're doing. But how can I make the pain go away enough so time can pass without feeling like every second in this world is a century?
Glass
But I can't. I don't have access to the necessary tools and supplies to use the methods that would overcome Our SI. It's been a year - exactly - since Our last attempt. My last attempt. All I can think of is how.... nice it was, in the limbo of the overnight hold after. I was given food, a place to lie down, crayons and coloring pages. I didn't want to leave. I still wish I were there. No expectations. No requests. No fear.
In the wake of that, Steel and I agreed there would be no more attempts. It wasn't worth the difficulty it caused everyone, and We wouldn't be able to go through with it anyways.
But even now I feel so.... empty. There are so many things We want to see, to know, to experience, but none of it feels worth surviving for.
So what do I do? What do We do? Keep pretending we want to stay until We can finally leave? Keep knowing there's nothing that feels worth existing for and having to go through the motions anyways? Obviously, yes. Obviously, that's what We're doing. But how can I make the pain go away enough so time can pass without feeling like every second in this world is a century?
Glass
