Suicidal ideations since childhood

[lainsitooo]

Since I am a kid, I always been suicidal.
Wether the tiniest mistake, I was hoping to die, or I would always say that I wouldn't care if I died.
I can't really tell when this started, but I know that it has been like that since I am a child; live or die it makes no difference.

Since I am a teenager I was always seeking ways to ctb, I even thought it was normal until someone made me understood the fact that it wasn't. I feel that death is my only way to freedom.
Maybe death really is the only path to freedom; I always feel so useless, because my attempts never work at all, it's been tot hat point that I never even got hospitalized.

I never understood why I got this thinking since I am a child, nor what caused it.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

I understand how you feel. I started having constant suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager. At the time I said I'd never act on them because I hoped things would get better but they never did. I also feel like CTB is the only way to freedom. And I can't wait until the day that I finally grow a pair and choose to do it.

 

[isthisit?]

Can relate. Whenever something didnt go as planned I said in my head "welp, time to die now!" (In estonian). Never really saw death as something bad, just as a thing that happens.