Venting Suddenly feeling good??

[iLikeFrogs]

It's weird because I was at my low point for so long I was just lying in bed and doing nothing, too tired to even check this forum or do my studies. I actively planned to kill myself and even considered overdosing even though my last overdose left me with focal lesion in my frontal lobe and worsened my tetany. I was cutting myself again and even planned my attempt but I suddenly feel good, like I'm in remission or smth. I'm aware of my body and have strength to move and do stuff, I'm euphoric way more than usual and I feel like my bpd symptoms calmed down/are overshadowed by whatever I'm going through? I still want to ctb and have a plan but for no reason I feel healthy and it worries me. I don't want to be better, I want to be worse and have a reason to ctb so it doesn't seem like I did it because of finals that I'm having next year. I don't know "healthy me" if they ever existed and I don't want to become someone who is so foreign and empty to me- I want this vessel called body to turn into dust with whatever I could describe as me, the sick and miserable me.

 

[Willowherb]

This kinda resonates with me
feeling better feels as if I lost the only purpose I'm clinging onto
I know that I still wanna CTB but I, for the love of god, can never seem to do anything about it anymore
I've always hated living, but stress has always been the fuel to my fire. whenever it lasts a bit too long I start thinking that this is what feeling suicidal should be like, until I'm no more under pressure and loose that strong sense of taking my life .
It makes me feel so naive, as if I've never took this seriously, that it was just a "Phase".
It feels as if it was only teenage angst, except you're no longer a teenager.
and this makes me feel so damn small and worthless.

 

[sugarh1gh]

There is a study I believe, that when you are ready to ctb, you feel normal and no depression. You might be experiencing that.

 

[whiteboyswithars]

Yeah, you aren't alone with this one. I've been actively suicidal for so long but now I am not like.. feeling the same way. I still don't see myself making it through the summer, but I don't have the same drive to kill myself.. you know? I feel "good" but I am still depressed af

 

[divinemistress36]

There is a study I believe, that when you are ready to ctb, you feel normal and no depression. You might be experiencing that.

My therapist said most suicides happen in Spring people start feeling more energy to ctb

 

[Mebius]

There is a study I believe, that when you are ready to ctb, you feel normal and no depression. You might be experiencing that.

dang, sounds like me. I've been blowing my money for days before committing soon.

 

[catnowmeowmeow]

I feel like you need some energy to ctb, if you're too depressed it's hard to get the motivation to do all the steps

 

[SNastablesalt]

Yeah, you aren't alone with this one. I've been actively suicidal for so long but now I am not like.. feeling the same way. I still don't see myself making it through the summer, but I don't have the same drive to kill myself.. you know? I feel "good" but I am still depressed af

real