Struggling with passive suicidality (as opposed to active)

[dogdrool]

I think that being passively suicidal is the worst thing in the world. I do very genuinely want to die and I think about suicide every day but for some reason I can't force the urge/ itch to come back. I have no real motivation to think of a date or actually plan anything real. It sucks, seriously. I'm just suffering in this hole full of self-pity.
It's the same with self-harm. At least when I was cutting myself I had something to feel proud of, something to do, now I just think about cutting but never actually pick up the razor. It is genuinely so fucking pitiful and pathetic.

If you wanna cut, cut. If you wanna die, then die.

It's only a matter of time, though. I'm losing so many friends, I have no motivation and money is running low. I spent the last of it booking my computer in for a repair (and it hasn't even been looked at yet, so). I'm insecure and horrible with relationships-- really all I do is watch tiktok on my phone, eat and jerk off. I even invested in a kettle for my bedroom so that I don't have to leave my room for food (instant noodles).

I feel so disgusting and disconnected. Like the real me died at some point and now I'm just piloting this freak of a body that I can never seem to fully control.

The urge to get myself into some kind of dangerous situation honestly gets more intense every day. Like, maybe if I was assaulted or injured or blackmailed then I'd finally kill myself. I just want something to make me say 'fuck it, I'm doing it'.
I'm going out with some friends (sorta) on thursday aswell as somebody I've been trying to reconnect with for some years. Going out with them already makes me suicidal and I think if I'm rejected face to face by this specific person then it'll be one of my final straws. He has made it clear to others he wants nothing to do with me, so.

 

[InevitableDeath]

That's depression. Its hard. It'll pass, then it'll turn up again.

At some point you'll either get used to it or ctb.

Good luck

 

[slapntickle]

Totally agree that you're suffering from depression. You can try and make it better, or not, and it basically just sucks, especially as it makes creating a good life for yourself (which would help lift you out of depression) so much harder, and so it self-perpetuates. I would def try meds if you haven't already - why not? - and you can always stop taking them if they don't agree with you

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I don't think you're pathetic. Everyone here is damaged and probably dysfunctional on some level. I'm sorry to hear about the event you're going to causing you so much apprehension. You deserve to have fun with your friends and not have to worry. I hope after you meet up with them in a couple days you will feel reassured and more comfortable in how they view you. But even if you're not accepted by them that doesn't mean you are unworthy or bad.

I know how hard it can be to carry on, I don't blame you for struggling. My PMs are open if you want to vent to me at any point. I hope making these threads recently has helped relieve your suffering at least a little bit. Wishing you the very best.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I guess like many others here you will need to become a "prepper" of sorts: preparing your mind and situation for a peaceful exit. Things can get unbearable and it sounds like you've already crossed into a hellish zone. I am so sorry.

 

[dogdrool]

I guess like many others here you will need to become a "prepper" of sorts: preparing your mind and situation for a peaceful exit. Things can get unbearable and it sounds like you've already crossed into a hellish zone. I am so sorry.

I spent a lot of time working up my mindset and situation when I attempted last year, I was very very close but christmas was around the corner so I couldn't try again. I was so ready and I felt so euphoric even after failing because I knew my next attempt would be my last, everything just fucked up.

A lot of people in this comment section seem to have misunderstood my post as somebody wanting help or solutions. I don't want anything to get better, I want to kill myself, that's why its so frustrating lmao.

I don't think you're pathetic. Everyone here is damaged and probably dysfunctional on some level. I'm sorry to hear about the event you're going to causing you so much apprehension. You deserve to have fun with your friends and not have to worry. I hope after you meet up with them in a couple days you will feel reassured and more comfortable in how they view you. But even if you're not accepted by them that doesn't mean you are unworthy or bad.

I know how hard it can be to carry on, I don't blame you for struggling. My PMs are open if you want to vent to me at any point. I hope making these threads recently has helped relieve your suffering at least a little bit. Wishing you the very best.

Thank you, typing on here definitely helps. The people in this community helped to relieve a lot of shame I felt about surviving my last attempt.
To be honest, I really only want things to get worse. The thought of eventually feeling happy or comfortable or appreciated is very scary and feels harder than death. I don't have the energy for any of this anymore and I truly just want to die.
I hope that you're alright too, genuinely.

Totally agree that you're suffering from depression. You can try and make it better, or not, and it basically just sucks, especially as it makes creating a good life for yourself (which would help lift you out of depression) so much harder, and so it self-perpetuates. I would def try meds if you haven't already - why not? - and you can always stop taking them if they don't agree with you

I haven't tried to take meds because nobody in my real life is aware of my attempts or state of mental health but I also genuinely want to kill myself. Committing suciide is genuinely so much more appealing than getting better in any way. I'm not interested in it, I just want to die.

That's depression. Its hard. It'll pass, then it'll turn up again.

At some point you'll either get used to it or ctb.

Good luck

It is depression but it's also chronic suicidal ideation sort of evilly combined with intrusive thoughts. I'm not interested in getting used to it tbh, I'm gonna kill myself. I've already tried 3 times in the past 5 months. Thank you for the luck. Good luck to you too.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I hope I didn't step on your toes there. I see you and I hear what you're saying. I respect the decisions you make with your own body. And thank you for your well wishes to me.

 

[dogdrool]

I hope I didn't step on your toes there. I see you and I hear what you're saying. I respect the decisions you make with your own body. And thank you for your well wishes to me.

You didn't at all, I can get a bit defensive with certain types of advise on here but that's not the fault of anybody else. You were positive but not pushy and you've been really friendly and understanding on all of my threads which I genuinely really appreciate.
I have a hard time recognising any sort of impact I have on the world around me (I feel like a ghost or invisible or something), so getting any sort of replies really does help with that delusion.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

You didn't at all, I can get a bit defensive with certain types of advise on here but that's not the fault of anybody else.

I relate to that feeling a lot. Most people seem to respond to any complaints with advice, both online and offline, but that's not always what we're looking for. It tends to assume a lot and for that reason can be unhelpful, and come off as callous or disconnected.

I still sometimes do the advice-giving thing to my friends and others by habit. I have recognized it in recent years and started limiting it, and only suggesting to people what they should do when they explicitly request that. Compassion and understanding can be so much more helpful while expending a similar amount of energy and time to advice-giving. I'm not certain why it's such a common knee-jerk reaction to hearing someone's problems. Maybe it's cultural, or maybe it's something with human nature.

 

[InevitableDeath]

its a male thing. Called fixing stuff. Finding solutions. Something women don't tend to.

That's the gender difference as a generalisation. Men fix things, women listen.

In reality I've found women wreck things, men top themselves.

Obviously a huge generalisation, but the statistics show its that way around, particularly when it comes weaponising children and wrecking both fathers and their own kids.