Staring down barrel of gun

[failure_consumes]

I just lost my job...career. I see no way from this. I'm a sham. It's not just money, it's my identity. I am ashamed. I am scared. I hate myself. I think I was always meant to sabotage myself. To think...I'd be too ashamed to even say how I got to this place.
I took out one of our guns and held it to my head. I was afraid to look down the barrel. Terrified. I wanted to feel it and see if I could do it. Guns have always scared me, but it seems the easiest way. I thought of others.
I told my partner o would kill our dogs first to make it impossible to not kill myself next...or asked him to do it for us.
I have thought about ctb my whole life and I wish I had done it sooner. My mind is swirling and I'm dizzy and I don't think I can ever look at myself again. So why am I scared? My partner just left the house. It be fast. How do you life with this?

 

[broken_stoic]

I just lost my job...career. I see no way from this. I'm a sham. It's not just money, it's my identity. I am ashamed. I am scared. I hate myself. I think I was always meant to sabotage myself. To think...I'd be too ashamed to even say how I got to this place.
I took out one of our guns and held it to my head. I was afraid to look down the barrel. Terrified. I wanted to feel it and see if I could do it. Guns have always scared me, but it seems the easiest way. I thought of others.
I told my partner o would kill our dogs first to make it impossible to not kill myself next...or asked him to do it for us.
I have thought about ctb my whole life and I wish I had done it sooner. My mind is swirling and I'm dizzy and I don't think I can ever look at myself again. So why am I scared? My partner just left the house. It be fast. How do you life with this?

I feel for you so much. I lost my job/career about 1.5 years go due to mental health and a severe mental breakdown. I thought alot of things about me were not that great, but at least I had a cool career I could be proud of. I put ten years into it and it turns out I'm just not good enough at it. Savings are going to be an issue, and I can't function well enough to work. If I can't pull myself together in the next 12 months I will be in a very bad place.

So how do you do it? I can't tell you other than what I have done so far. I may not make, or I may, but I fucking intend to try. Having one person who believes in you, be they a therapist, friend, or family member can make all the difference in the world. Grieving and realizing you will may have to do something else, I think, is part of the process. Or maybe you just need a break and then you can go back to your career, I don't know your details. Life goes in different directions, and I think ultimate we have to find our value in something other than the thing we do for work.

If you are depressed enough to end things then start with the basics. Eat three meals a day or two if you can't do three. Drink water. Get sleep. Get outside at least once a day. Be kind to yourself and don't be upset if you aren't kind to yourself. You can always end things, but if you have a chance to keep going and there is any hope of doing so consider putting it off one more day. Then one more. Then maybe one more week. Then one more month. Then one more year. Throw everything you have into making the life you want, and leave ctb for another day.

Anyway, that's something like my approach. Can't say it will work, but I'm hoping.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I lost my job for no reason at all, just BAM. I thought I was doomed. I panicked and called recruiters and had another job in 2 weeks. Still stunned at that because I'm "over 50". I am NOT trying to make you feel better, just sharing my experience. I hate the fact that I can't summon the courage to get off of this ride.

 

[failure_consumes]

I feel for you so much. I lost my job/career about 1.5 years go due to mental health and a severe mental breakdown. I thought alot of things about me were not that great, but at least I had a cool career I could be proud of. I put ten years into it and it turns out I'm just not good enough at it. Savings are going to be an issue, and I can't function well enough to work. If I can't pull myself together in the next 12 months I will be in a very bad place.

So how do you do it? I can't tell you other than what I have done so far. I may not make, or I may, but I fucking intend to try. Having one person who believes in you, be they a therapist, friend, or family member can make all the difference in the world. Grieving and realizing you will may have to do something else, I think, is part of the process. Or maybe you just need a break and then you can go back to your career, I don't know your details. Life goes in different directions, and I think ultimate we have to find our value in something other than the thing we do for work.

If you are depressed enough to end things then start with the basics. Eat three meals a day or two if you can't do three. Drink water. Get sleep. Get outside at least once a day. Be kind to yourself and don't be upset if you aren't kind to yourself. You can always end things, but if you have a chance to keep going and there is any hope of doing so consider putting it off one more day. Then one more. Then maybe one more week. Then one more month. Then one more year. Throw everything you have into making the life you want, and leave ctb for another day.

Anyway, that's something like my approach. Can't say it will work, but I'm hoping.

Thank you for responding. And caring. Im...was...a professor. I know nothing else. I have been suffering from a nightmare of traumas over the last year and messed up. So told to resign. I don't know any worth but my job. Definitely worried about money. I have almost no one I confide it. Even though I've been unhappy in my job I hate myself for my self sabotage and loved my job...just not the people, place, situations. I let everyone down. And myself...I have no words. I don't have savings, scraping by as it is. How do I be kind to the person in the mirror that I'm so ashamed of. How did you wake up the next day?

I lost my job for no reason at all, just BAM. I thought I was doomed. I panicked and called recruiters and had another job in 2 weeks. Still stunned at that because I'm "over 50". I am NOT trying to make you feel better, just sharing my experience. I hate the fact that I can't summon the courage to get off of this ride.

I hate for us all that this is so hard. I'm in my 40s. I don't even think I have any real skills that matter in real jobs outside academia. I hate being afraid of something that I literally think (thought) about for a job everyday...death. I'm just a aged fate ugly old person who is so socially awkward as to not have friends and let those I do have fall to the wayside. Easily replaceable. Have so much anger.

Lost so many I loved the last few years. My step son was abducted and abused to the point that he can't function outside a mental ward at 11 years old. I'm the breadwinner and I just failed everyone.

I always said I wanted to this this job...but on my terms. I am so stupid.

 

[broken_stoic]

Tka

Thank you for responding. And caring. Im...was...a professor. I know nothing else. I have been suffering from a nightmare of traumas over the last year and messed up. So told to resign. I don't know any worth but my job. Definitely worried about money. I have almost no one I confide it. Even though I've been unhappy in my job I hate myself for my self sabotage and loved my job...just not the people, place, situations. I let everyone down. And myself...I have no words. I don't have savings, scraping by as it is. How do I be kind to the person in the mirror that I'm so ashamed of. How did you wake up the next day?

I hate for us all that this is so hard. I'm in my 40s. I don't even think I have any real skills that matter in real jobs outside academia. I hate being afraid of something that I literally think (thought) about for a job everyday...death. I'm just a aged fate ugly old person who is so socially awkward as to not have friends and let those I do have fall to the wayside. Easily replaceable. Have so much anger.

Lost so many I loved the last few years. My step son was abducted and abused to the point that he can't function outside a mental ward at 11 years old. I'm the breadwinner and I just failed everyone.

I always said I wanted to this this job...but on my terms. I am so stupid.

Take this for what it is worth and do what you will with it, but when I was super low this is something I should have considered:

• Try not to do anything drastic as long as you have some runway/time to figure things out. Let it hit. Grieve. Be upset. It's ok to be upset. It's ok to be despondent.
• Money worries are real, and that's fucking scary. I never realized just how scary until I landed where I am now. I can't fix that for you, I can't fix that for me, but know there are others here in the same shit.
• I would say take a little time to see if you feel better, then start exploring what else you might possibly do. I've never worked in academia, I don't know how transferable skills are, I don't know if you can move to another institution, etc . . . but if you were a professor and if you cannot do that again, that tells me you have at least a few things going for you:
  • You are probably smart
  • You had enough grit to get a professor position, that's not something everyone can do, very few people make that leap. I fantasize about working in academia. Honestly I'm not smart enough to be anything more than mediocre though
  • You probably have more valuable skillsets than you realize. I may well be wrong, but hell even chatgpt might be able to help you think through this a bit when you are ready. I'd be careful with trusting it ofc, but I have used it to do some basic exploration.

Whatever the case, whatever you do, know that at least some other random internet people care :)