Discussion Spiraling

[TheLastGreySky]

So for the past couple of weeks I've been doing good. Just got a new job and I'm trying to handle everything that correlates with getting my kids back. But I'm spiraling.
I feel like I'm out of touch creatively.
My music sucks and my art sucks.
I'm wondering if my kids love me or not because their caseworker has been pushing this narrative that they're afraid of me (which if you kept up with anything I've said over the past 2 years you'll know isn't true) and she's so adamant about it but won't let me see the therapist or talk to their therapist that I deeply think they're just trying to make money off my kids. My free lawyer is a piece of garbage right now. And my hearing is early November.

My wife wants a baby really bad and we've been leaving that option open for the past year. But I haven't got her pregnant and I haven't got anyone pregnant since 2019.
I'm not trying to give too much information but I've had a lot of opportunities because I don't use protection and everyone I've been with have not been on birth control. So I'm kind of feeling like it's probably me. So I'm here because I considered partial suspension tonight. I just don't even want to try anymore.
I feel like I'm fucking useless.
Since starting my job I've missed two days of work and I feel like I can't do anything but fuck up.

I'm open to advice or just to talk,
I don't know what I want just by posting this but I wanted to take my mind off the intrusive thoughts for a moment.

 

[Lions303]

Im really sorry to hear and you're going though a lot rn <3 I also want to congratulate you on the new job, im really proud of you. Your absolutely right to be spiraling, its a ton of shit you're going through for it to all happen at once? While I cant relate to being a parent, I have a friend thats gone through courts fighting for custody and I asked like 'do you worry?' and he point blank 'No, the kids will know'... Does your wife know? Have you spoken and talked with her about it? As its absolutely normal for that to happen tbh, but more importantly do you want a baby?

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Im really sorry to hear and you're going though a lot rn <3 I also want to congratulate you on the new job, im really proud of you. Your absolutely right to be spiraling, its a ton of shit you're going through for it to all happen at once? While I cant relate to being a parent, I have a friend thats gone through courts fighting for custody and I asked like 'do you worry?' and he point blank 'No, the kids will know'... Does your wife know? Have you spoken and talked with her about it? As its absolutely normal for that to happen tbh, but more importantly do you want a baby?

My wife doesn't know because she's the type who would blame herself for not "doing enough". She's an amazing woman and she's willing to take in my kids if we get the opportunity to. I don't know if I made it clear in my post but my kids are from my ex-wife who really screwed me over.

I absolutely want a baby. So, I want to share with you this and I'll make it short but my daughter is my youngest and there is something about her that just changed who I was as a person. I have never felt so loved and so needed as I have with her. I don't know if it's because it's a girl and as a father I'm more protective of her but she made me want to change my life just so I could be this big teddy bear that I felt like she saw me as.

And shortly after having her my ex-wife left me for another man. They're now both addicted to fentanyl and my kids are in foster care because she dragged me through the mud because I was an idiot until I had my daughter. So now I have these case workers who think I'm a monster and I've jumped through all their hoops, and they just can't get over the fact that she split who I was as a person in two and I chose her over a toxic life. I only wish I chose all my kids over a toxic life when my first child was born but I can only go from here and make amends when and if I'm allowed to.