plast1c_sk1n
no longer human
- Jul 4, 2024
- 42
(forgot lots of details cus I was drunk, tired, and speaking in my 2nd language, but the main idea has been stuck in my mind ever since this happened)
A few weeks ago I was drinking with some friends, at some point 1 of them decided to head home & sleep, me & 1 other went downstairs to walk him out. I don't even remember what led to this being asked, I must've said something weird or maybe he's just been wondering because of my scars? But as we were walking to the door he asked if I've ever thought about wanting to kill myself. I said something along the lines of "yes, every day, but it's okay, I won't really do it" and he just nodded. I asked what about him & he said yes. I don't remember the exact words but I think the general idea was that it's just always been that way, like a thought in the back of his head. Then he left and we said goodbye and went back up to keep partying without talking about it again.
The reason this is on my mind is because it really just confirmed my assumption that for people like us, this feeling will never go away. When I talk about things like suicide and depression with friends my age, we can at least tell ourselves surely it will get better and we'll grow out of our anxieties and all that. But that friend is 35 years old (we're in college and I'm an adult as well) He's married, pursuing his passion for art, I'm sure most people would say he's doing alright in life. And yet he still thinks about suicide just like us and just like he did when he was my age. For some people, it really doesn't just "get better". But we have people we can't let down. So we just have to keep dragging ourselves through every day until we eventually die. Working to have a "normal life", going to school, making friends, getting a job, acting normal to everyone around you.
I work so hard on a life I don't even want.
tldr; learning that my friend who's 35 years old, married, and financially stable, still wants to die, confirms my belief that for some people, this is a feeling that will never leave.
A few weeks ago I was drinking with some friends, at some point 1 of them decided to head home & sleep, me & 1 other went downstairs to walk him out. I don't even remember what led to this being asked, I must've said something weird or maybe he's just been wondering because of my scars? But as we were walking to the door he asked if I've ever thought about wanting to kill myself. I said something along the lines of "yes, every day, but it's okay, I won't really do it" and he just nodded. I asked what about him & he said yes. I don't remember the exact words but I think the general idea was that it's just always been that way, like a thought in the back of his head. Then he left and we said goodbye and went back up to keep partying without talking about it again.
The reason this is on my mind is because it really just confirmed my assumption that for people like us, this feeling will never go away. When I talk about things like suicide and depression with friends my age, we can at least tell ourselves surely it will get better and we'll grow out of our anxieties and all that. But that friend is 35 years old (we're in college and I'm an adult as well) He's married, pursuing his passion for art, I'm sure most people would say he's doing alright in life. And yet he still thinks about suicide just like us and just like he did when he was my age. For some people, it really doesn't just "get better". But we have people we can't let down. So we just have to keep dragging ourselves through every day until we eventually die. Working to have a "normal life", going to school, making friends, getting a job, acting normal to everyone around you.
I work so hard on a life I don't even want.
tldr; learning that my friend who's 35 years old, married, and financially stable, still wants to die, confirms my belief that for some people, this is a feeling that will never leave.
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