socially inept (cant make friends..)

[fishygirl]

im 21, female, and have absolutely no other friends besides my boyfriend. T_T i get along with his friends, but theyre not my friends and i dont interact with them unless my bf is involved.

im in between jobs, and not currently in school so i just spend all day alone. i dont even have online friends.

i like to go into the city and hope i look cool enough that somone will approach me first, and then i can fantasize that we'll become best friends forever and hang out all the time.

but whenever someone does approach me, i clam up and can only say 1 word sentences until i can awkwardly speed walk away.

then, i inwardly freak out and curse myself for being a frog and wish i could wash off the interaction from my skin like a bloody stain!

it sucks. i feel scared all the time of being completely alone if my bf ever leaves me. part of me feels daring and wants to talk to strangers- the other wants to crawl into a hole the moment i talk to anyone without my bf with me.

and thats just part of it. my bf is crazy jealous. theres been some incidents that seem to have just made his feelings worse. if i go outside anywhere to do anything without a thorough explanation, it falls under his scrutiny.

if i want to explicitly go anywhere by myself, he insists on going with me. if i refuse, he accuses me of being sneaky.

for the most part, it doesnt bother me. hes otherwise an amazing boyfriend and overall human being. but it gets to a point... and its really limiting me from exploring.

does anyone have any tips to make friends?? if youre in nyc please feel free to message me as well... >_<

 

[amerie]

Force yourself into looking like a fool and you'll eventually get it. Accept the dirty looks and the NY attitude and cry yourself to sleep and try again the next day.

This will take months but you'll get it, trust.

Joining improv or theatre groups helps as well because you become better at comedic timing and social cues

Maybe start a club in NYC of other loser women and you all can connect, it's a big city so it'll probs work

Best of luck sugar lips

 

[takuyablackbox]

yeah i dont really have any real friends outside of my roommates and its like i can only socialize and "make friends" (exchange instas and never speak again) if im on drunk or on some type of substance . what helps me a lot tho is trying not to overthink and to realize that it's not that deep and thinking like whats the worst that could happen if i try to start a convo with this person? yeah there's a chance they might not like me, but they can't hate me if i just be myself. dunno. i think everyone is in this same shell to an extent and thats why its been rly hard. approaching someone and talking to them the same way you'd wanna be approached/talked to is a good way to not overthink things. it's hard but it's worth it. yu never kno who you could meet!

 

[fishygirl]

yeah i dont really have any real friends outside of my roommates and its like i can only socialize and "make friends" (exchange instas and never speak again) if im on drunk or on some type of substance . what helps me a lot tho is trying not to overthink and to realize that it's not that deep and thinking like whats the worst that could happen if i try to start a convo with this person?

youre right, i feel like i really have to stop overthinking things. im also a lot more social when im drunk or high. (which makes me want to do nothing but be drunk or high all the time)
right now though i just feel like the more energy i put into trying, the more let down i am. i already tried inviting someone i know irl (gf of my bf's friend) to go out recently, and got totally blown off, just ignored/forgotten essentially. it really hurts and makes me not want to try. but what else can i do but try? its either try or wallow in my loneliness forever.

anyway, thank you for your reply.. ♡

 

[vira]

you seem like a cool person, i wouldn't sweat it. if i can find you interesting and worthy of being friends with, you'll definitely find someone who feels the same thru exposure. you ARE a cool person, you just need practice in expressing that to other people. no matter how you act on a first impression, you'll always be the same person in the end. what matters is showing people that person before they lose interest in who you try to be. i agree with the previous sentiments.. exposure works best in this case. eventually, the people you're looking for will see the fun person you are, and put in effort to talk and engage w/ you. just takes time, you'll do great. nyc is big, anyway.

 

[fishygirl]

no matter how you act on a first impression, you'll always be the same person in the end. what matters is showing people that person before they lose interest in who you try to be.

thank you :") i actually like this point of yours a lot. it really makes me think.. im still in control of how i act, i should put my best self forward first..

ill update this thread if/when i do put this into practice :) ♡

 

[Zerengin96]

Friendship is just a farce anyway, people only want to be your friend if they can get something out of it, there is no true love among humans

 

[DoAnythingMore]

The fact that you're dreaming about all of this is already a very good sign. You clearly have genuine desires and motivation to approach new people and make friends.

My ex was in the same situation as you a few years ago. The way she managed to "break out of it" was by making friends with a coworker and then going meeting up with her and her coworkers friend group after she asked if she could join them sometime to meetup.

It might be helpful to take small steps at a time. There's no need to "go for the gold" straight away, but of course you can do that as well if you feel like it. What I mean by that is that you might benefit from "practicing" with small talk with strangers. One place that comes to my mind is a library, if you see someone looking for books in some topics you're also interested in and/or they've picked out a book that looks interesting that could be a conversation starter. Just some small comments like "hey that book looks interesting", "i like [topic] as well, can you recommend other books related to this?" can go a long way in starting a conversation. If the conversation continues and the other participant seems like they're enjoying the talk, you might want to ask for their socials or some way to keep in touch with them. If it looks like they want to get away from the situation, let them go! There will be so many more opportunities.

And like @amerie mentioned you may want to give theatre or improv a try. If acting is not your thing you may want to find some other hobby clubs or meetups/gatherings in your area, you're bound to find someone in the same situation as you and once you find that person you will be good friends, just like you've dreamed. This will happen, sooner or later but it will happen!

I kind of disagree with what @Zerenging said. People are friends with eachother because they enjoy spending time with them. There is true love in this world and genuine connections to be made. The people who are your friends just because they can somehow benefit from it (financially, social climbing etc.) obviously aren't real friends, but just because those kinds of people exist doesn't mean that the opposite of those kinds of people don't exist (you'know, normal people just genuinely looking to create connections, hang out with eachother and talk about common interests. Like normal friends!).

This is kind of a side comment and I don't mean to get worried over things that don't affect me, but you said that

my bf is crazy jealous. theres been some incidents that seem to have just made his feelings worse. if i go outside anywhere to do anything without a thorough explanation, it falls under his scrutiny.

if i want to explicitly go anywhere by myself, he insists on going with me. if i refuse, he accuses me of being sneaky.

and it worries me that this might be a little "toxic" or control-freaky if you know what I mean. In my opinion, your bf should be supportive and encourage you to make new friends as that's clearly what you want. I understand that he might get jealous if you befriend another dude (especially if he's the same age as him and looks better or about the same) but that's still not a reason for him to prevent you from making new friends. You may want to bring this up with him that you really want to make new friends (and still be with him!) and need his support, even if just emotionally and with compliments and encouragement. Every adult has the right to go anywhere by themselves.

One last thing: don't be afraid of failing. I haven't been to NYC but I can assume it is a huge city with so many people that even if you have a "bad" encounter with someone, there's a good chance that you'll literally never see them again. With that being said, if you make a friend or meet someone nice make sure you can keep in touch with them so you don't lose them in the crowd!

 

[Skallagrim]

You have a boyfriend, so you're obviously not beyond any ability to be social with others. If you need company and online words for you then the chatroom here can provide that, it can also be practice for socializing with others.

As for how to make friends in real contact with people? It's actually not so difficult - spend time with them, hang around, talk, listen, and that sort of does it. It happens organically, without you noticing. It's not one day you're a friend, the next you're not. It grows, like mold in a cup that you've forgotten about.

Managing to make friendships last more than 3 or 4 months is the bit I've always struggled with. Eventually I just start feeling like I'm not supposed to be there, and then -whomp, I'm cutting myself off. One of therapists told me to go look up someone I hadn't seen for five f*cking years and try to start getting back out into the world. I've never met a competent therapist.

 

[fishygirl]

and it worries me that this might be a little "toxic" or control-freaky if you know what I mean. In my opinion, your bf should be supportive and encourage you to make new friends as that's clearly what you want. I understand that he might get jealous if you befriend another dude (especially if he's the same age as him and looks better or about the same)

im happily surprised to see new replies. i genuinely appreciate all the advice ♡

to clarify, my bf does care abt me (maybe too much), and does want me to have friends. (but on his terms?)

its a long story, which i might vent about in another post sometime, but my bf and i had a major argument recently over me talking to someone online
(as i had recently been making more of an effort to reach out online, since i currently dont have many opportunities to make friends irl.)

me n my bf dont normally fight. and we make up quick. but his behavior is starting to frustrate me a lot, it feels limiting, and like i have no personal life/cant have friends outside of him and his circle.

it's just made me exhausted. the idea of making friends now just sickens me. i think ill take a pause on any efforts for now. theres a lot holding me back, but my bf is definitely making it harder, in some ways.

As for how to make friends in real contact with people? It's actually not so difficult - spend time with them, hang around, talk, listen, and that sort of does it. It happens organically, without you noticing.

thank you for your words♡

i understand- but i feel like organic friendships are easy. its what i want. all of my few true friendships over the years- its because i was either forced to be with that person a lot (school, living situation, etc) or that person chose to spend a lot of time with me.

its non-organic i struggle with most. how to start a conversation with a stranger, how to make the first step, leave a good impression.

this would be easier if i was in a work setting, or in college. its easier to slowly warm up to people i see every day. (although with minor succes regardless, its easier.. i still struggle to talk to them haha)

but im essentially isolated at home, unemployed and not in school. there arent "normal" daily situations where i can make friends organically, if that makes sense. just for clarification ♡

 

[DoAnythingMore]

his behavior is starting to frustrate me a lot, it feels limiting, and like i have no personal life/cant have friends outside of him and his circle.

it's just made me exhausted. the idea of making friends now just sickens me. i think ill take a pause on any efforts for now. theres a lot holding me back, but my bf is definitely making it harder, in some ways.

my bf and i had a major argument recently over me talking to someone online

There's no reason for anyone's SO to start an argument about chatting with people online or trying to make new friends.

I'm sorry to hear that happened. I hope you don't feel "trapped" in your relationship. Romantic relationships should be a positive addition to anyone's life, not a sacrifice or adding limitations to your life.

Of course I don't know the whole situation with you and you bf, but maybe it's good to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life with him and his restrictions (this is if he isn't willing to improve with this finding-friends situation).

 

[Pluto]