I definitely can't stand, as mean as this sounds, to see other enjoying their lives, going on vacations with friends, having a family, being overall happy.
I definitely can't stand the holidays, Christmas, new years, thanksgiving etc..
They make me feel more alone then ever.
It a time for rejoicing and getting together with friends and family and I have nothing of all of that. I'm just alone, in pain, sad, and angry that things turned out like this for me, I'm really angry.
I feel like I'm a burden to my mom because she sees me, not wanting to leave the house, not being able to see anybody, even when family members come to the house, I hide because I can't stand myself, she sees me not having any friends, it truly hurts her to see me this way and by the the way I'm 50, my mom is 82, I moved back n with her a few years ago when my depression starting getting to a point where I could no longer care for myself.
I've been in a suicidal depression for about 2 years and a half now…. Plus in past 6 months I've been noticing that I've been losing fat tissue in different areas of my body, which altered the shape of my body, I started losing muscle tissue, my legs becoming weaker, off balance then my feet and hands started feeling numb in some fingers, sometimes it's worse then others, the numbness in the hands and my arm sometimes feels heavy, not mb and floppy, I'm absolutely devastated, I thought I was depressed before this started happening, imagine now.
I've done research about what's happing to me and I think it's a condition that keeps worsening to the point where you're not able to use your hands, arms, legs and feet properly.
I don't want to stick around to find out how bad it's going to get, I don't even want to go to the Dr for a diagnosis, I just want to not exist anymore.
The funny thing is that just when you say things can't get any worse, they do, they definitely do, just when I say my pain, emotional pain can't possibly get worse it does. I'm so fucking angry at god for letting this happen to me, i don't do anything to deserve this torture, it's living in pure agony. I don't know if god exists anymore but if he does I feel like he/she wants me to suffer like this, not just me, my sister who I love dearly is also in a suicidal depression, suffering unimaginable chronic pain due to botched surgeries.
Both of us are good people, with kind hearts, very sensitive…. So why do we have to suffer this way, what did we do to deserve this agony.
It makes me so fuckibg angry that good people have to suffer and others who have no heart continue on to have great lives, happy lives. Wow, sorry I went on a rampage, rambling, sorry I guess something inside of me wanted to let this out.
I definitely can't stand the holidays, Christmas, new years, thanksgiving etc..
They make me feel more alone then ever.
It a time for rejoicing and getting together with friends and family and I have nothing of all of that. I'm just alone, in pain, sad, and angry that things turned out like this for me, I'm really angry.
I feel like I'm a burden to my mom because she sees me, not wanting to leave the house, not being able to see anybody, even when family members come to the house, I hide because I can't stand myself, she sees me not having any friends, it truly hurts her to see me this way and by the the way I'm 50, my mom is 82, I moved back n with her a few years ago when my depression starting getting to a point where I could no longer care for myself.
I've been in a suicidal depression for about 2 years and a half now…. Plus in past 6 months I've been noticing that I've been losing fat tissue in different areas of my body, which altered the shape of my body, I started losing muscle tissue, my legs becoming weaker, off balance then my feet and hands started feeling numb in some fingers, sometimes it's worse then others, the numbness in the hands and my arm sometimes feels heavy, not mb and floppy, I'm absolutely devastated, I thought I was depressed before this started happening, imagine now.
I've done research about what's happing to me and I think it's a condition that keeps worsening to the point where you're not able to use your hands, arms, legs and feet properly.
I don't want to stick around to find out how bad it's going to get, I don't even want to go to the Dr for a diagnosis, I just want to not exist anymore.
The funny thing is that just when you say things can't get any worse, they do, they definitely do, just when I say my pain, emotional pain can't possibly get worse it does. I'm so fucking angry at god for letting this happen to me, i don't do anything to deserve this torture, it's living in pure agony. I don't know if god exists anymore but if he does I feel like he/she wants me to suffer like this, not just me, my sister who I love dearly is also in a suicidal depression, suffering unimaginable chronic pain due to botched surgeries.
Both of us are good people, with kind hearts, very sensitive…. So why do we have to suffer this way, what did we do to deserve this agony.
It makes me so fuckibg angry that good people have to suffer and others who have no heart continue on to have great lives, happy lives. Wow, sorry I went on a rampage, rambling, sorry I guess something inside of me wanted to let this out.
