hhtroc
Student
- Mar 22, 2025
- 138
Unbelievable it has come to this not gonna lie. I actually think unlike a lot of people with severe depression I always coped with a light at the end of the tunnel. I was severly mentally abused as a child, living with a suicidal single parent who bullied me for getting fat after over eating to cope. Got sexually assaulted a bunch by two other kids who were also abused. Then got anorexic. Now okay weight, bit fat to cope with my face and lack of cheekbones but whatever. I have crippling BDD, I quit law school. I was relentlessly bullied in school. I hate myself so much, i think I am disfigured. I have been in therapy for 12 years. Not had a gf for 5 years and I barely feel like a human anymore. Every day I feel so much panic. I moved in with my depressed dad, I gotta tell him to shower at points. I am still in uni and do work for 4 hours a day but recently i have had a lot of breakdowns and I am 27 year old now and I dont wanna live in the shadows anymore. I have no sense of self worth from being told I am worth nothing for so long, I am so scared of rejection it is unbelievable. These last days I have been going through unbelievable panics, I met a friend who is one of the only ones i have left and even he was kinda mean to me. Dismissive I guess. I won't matter much to anyone for biological reasons, I give off signs of bad health, we are animals after all. Some people at work like me but I am tired of styling my hair, watching what I eat, the skin care, the clothes to cover up stuff like gyno from puberty that I never got removed because psychologists told me it's bdd. Close people to me have died like flies or gone away. I am scared of basically everything but no one irl would ever know. One offhand remark like i look tired will ruin my week with anxiety. It was never in the cards and I want a way out to have some sort of control. I am new and I have honestly not found the search function yet, how can I get SN in Germany? I want to lay down on a summer night on a hill where I used to go, listen to music and just leave this hell. I fought for so long, I was in psych ward for 4 months and when I went out I was arguably worse. Im on meds and I am on my 5th therapist. Can't nobdy tell me I didn't try. TY
