SI or higher power?

[beyond_aquila_rift]

I've been wanting to ctb since I was 14. Only until this year did I really look into methods and found this site, etc. This is the furthest I've gotten on the subject and I really started planning everything even though I don't have a date. Blue prints let's say.

I'm not a religious person and vehemently have rejected Christianity/what have you. I've felt more connected with Buddhism/Hinduism but lightly and I guess I wouldn't say I've been as dedicated as others probably are. Just pick things here and there to follow to try and be a good person even though that's completely subjective.

Recently I've had two experiences where when I was half asleep or somewhere around there I've felt negative feelings about ctb. Or hearing in my mind "don't do it".

just thought it was interesting. I don't know if my spirituality is enough for me to believe this right now. Or agree with It. I used to be extremely spiritual and then this year I had a psychotic break, lost everything, on top of my myriad of problems... I don't know anymore.

but I still want to ctb. I've been suicidal for so long, I just want it to end. I hate the tricks our mind plays on us. I don't want to exist in this life anymore. If other lives are there, I guess I can't say for sure.

 

[last_tour]

If buddhism/hinduism taught us anything, thoughts aren't yours and its your mind playing tricks on you . Its a required technique to not to react to stimuli in strenuous training exercises like fasting or not to succumb to anger in stressful situations.

i had a dream once myself, someone was banging and broke down my door, and menacingly told me to not CTB, I was like alright i wont kill myself! , then woke up and realized it was just a dream. It's most likely SI, if we didn't have it none of us would be here by now.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Why can't it be both?