Venting she’s right that it’s my own fault that i hurt myself

[myriapoda]

i resent my mother for a lot, for everything and anything. i don't remember the exact time i decided to stopped loving her and started resenting her. it's petty to hold grudges from year ago against her, but i can't help but blame her for everything when every time i do try and get better she swoops in take credit to only make things worse.

i remember not wanting to live when i was less than seven, not for any particular reason besides being tired of her and missing her,, of course i couldn't grasp what the idea of suicide was, it was more of an idea not wanting to to exist, a desire to disappear. i dreamed, that somehow if i was missing that she would look for me, that the absence of her child would make her love me.

now that i'm an adult, i've been sh regularly and neglected most of my physical needs because of an argument that left me scared to leave the my room. only recently we've "made up" and she calls me out when there's food. i used to be hungry, i loved eating food, but since for the week and a half of fluctuating between ramen, hot pockets, cheap snacks and overwhelming feeling of dread. i don't think i can actually taste or smell it, idk if it's i can't smell properly because i ugly cry so much that i get congested or that my senses are giving up on me

 

[bankai]

Please try to take care of your health a bit though.Feelings change.you may not want to ctb at some point in the future but health issues can become permanent.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.