NSFW Sex as a form of self harm?

[OOUUneverover]

I've come very close to downloading grindr or something similar for a while now. I have a very strong desire to feel some type of pain. I think I deserve it. I'm extremely ugly but I'm certain I could find some random old man somewhere who would be willing to fuck me.

I should clarify that I am gay but the idea of hookups grosses me out. I hate the concept of having sex with someone when I know nothing about their morals or how good or bad of a person they are. I guess my survival instincts kick in and make me afraid of getting an std or something. I'm also afraid that I would enjoy it, and I don't want to experience any enjoyment from it. I only want to hurt and nothing else.

 

[SHpr0]

I used Grindr to hookup with old men for self harm. that was about a year ago

 

[JadedBeing]

I tried Sex to cope too. I'm Hetero and hooked up with some woman on dating sites which sometimes led to sex on the first or second date and i always felt nothing. Even worse i felt like a male whore after, like i was just being used. My body still wants to have Sex but i learned it's only worth it for me when i have a deep connection and chemistry first.

I can see how it can be a Form of self harm and maybe thats why i did that too. It definentöy fucks with you. I get why hookers have to use drugs to do that job

 

[Siamese Believe]

I sometimes wish a woman would fuck me out of pity and bully me during it. Only way I could semi rationalize a woman doing the deed with me. No way I could imagine being desired in this body.

 

[miles-away]

I hooked up with a notorious manwhore. I kind of talked him into a tentative exclusive casual relationship and he sort of agreed. He then dropped me like hot garbage after a month of sex.

 

[lemonadeandgrapes]

100%, start of this year never had sex or gotten super drunk. Fell into suicidal ideation and depression in June, ended up spending my first semester at university getting blackout / very drunk and having sex with people. Doesn't help that most of these people went to my rowing club, it was shameful to wake up knowing the club was talking about what you did last night. Started drinking in my room, or anytime I needed to do anything which involved social interaction. I think I used sex as a way to validate my existence, if I couldn't find a reason in myself to exist, then at least I could use someone else (albeit temporarily) to confirm my existence. I guess I also wanted people to know that I'm not doing well, because it externalised something which (when sober) I kept completely internal and never wanted people to know.
I've been doing a lot better mentally since then, so I haven't been doing the same things- it's a lot more freeing.

 

[Lost.Empyrean]

sometimes I jack off when i'm not in the mood to things that disgust or upset me and idk if that counts here but it sure is something

 

[Dejected 55]

Even if you're touch starved, sex is not going to cure that if it is random sex with a stranger. That's just not how our brains work. If you truly are lonely and in need of connection and contact, then random encounters aren't ever going to make you feel good... and doing it to punish yourself somehow might not work the way you think... might just make you feel worse.

Then there's the safety side of it all... people who are sincerely into random stranger sex are in a dodgy practice that is fraught with dangers... but on some level they are aware of it and might do some things to protect themselves... but when you are doing it to hurt yourself, you're likely to ignore signals and warnings and get yourself into serious danger with someone who is preying on people to harm them.

While you might be suicidal and think you don't care and it would be a "bonus" to be in danger this way... there are worse things than your "normal" pain, and being tortured and assaulted has to be a kind of hell that nobody would want even if they think they "deserve" it when they are really depressed.

I can't caution enough seeking encounters for the reason the OP is saying and hope he reconsiders this.